Sad Today

In my late teens and early twenties, I had a pretty clear idea as to how to create a full life for myself. I was supposed to get married, have kids, build a career in film/tv, buy a house, and so on. I did all that but the result isn't what I expected.

I've come to realize that I take little to no pleasure in my life. Instead I trudge through an endless routine, doing what I have to do for job and family. From the moment I wake up I do what I have to do and at the end of it all, I have nothing left but this husk of me and a severe cough from smoking too much.

But ironically, there's nothing I want. I've lived this way for so long that I can't think of ways to enjoy myself. If I went on vacation tomorrow, I would default to cleaning the house and entertaining my kids. My spare moments would be spent working on scripts. The only other option would be to physically go somewhere but there's no place I want to go and there's no money to get there.

So on and on I go. And I know I'm an %#@&#! for not enjoying my time with my family. And don't get me wrong, I love my wife, my kids, my cat. But I feel like a praying mantis, left headless by his mate to be consumed by his offspring. The reality is more like castration, long abandoning innate drives for things like sex because we stopped being lovers and started being parents a long time ago. And while my need for sex has always out paced my wife's, I mourn the loss of my naive belief that there would always be some level of passion.

I used to have so many dreams, ambitions, and naive fantasies about the life I'd make for myself. But the pain I'm feeling now is the withering remnants of those ideas being ripped away. I'm dangling from the few thin strands that remain from a string of ideas that formed the guide wire for my life. My umbilical cord of hopes and dreams.

I wonder if it's like this for every adult. Something tells me that I'm not special, that this is the pattern played out millions of times by millions of people every day. The inevitable disillusionment experienced by all. And like cattle being raised for slaughter, we're incapable of seeing the true nature of our existence until it's far too late.

Cyran0

i am saddened there is pain and suffering in this world... i am saddened it has touched you our dear friend Cyrano...

what pains me more i think is the numbers you speak of...

many things about the whole situation are saddening.....

but, what is uplifting to me is souls and characters such as your self who speak out, speak up, are not silent about their pain.....

in voice, by being heard, the many can connect and create new beginnings, create change, find comfort, peace and joy in their lives...

your own part and place is no small matter imo......

please be well Cy....

(Difficulty posting a response to you because I feel inadequate.)

There is great beauty in your writing Cyran0, quite profound and really touched a nerve with me. You write how it is! How difficult it can be for us that struggle with depression.

You are not alone.

((((((((((( Cyran0 )))))))))))

Cyran0,

If you can hang on for a while, when the kids are older, you and your wife will fall in love all over again. It's so hard when the kids are toddlers.

(I feel the same as pegasus)

((((((((((( Cyran0 ))))))))))

wow....I think Cyran0 said everything Ive been saying to myself for the last 20 years or so.....hang in there, your not alone

It gets better. Once my son was out of the home, I could catch my breath. Parenting is really difficult. Especially these days. I hope you can stay friends with your wife so there's something left when the kids are grown.

Wow... you really have a gift for writing. Maybe you can show your T some of it? I bet that would really help both of you.

I feel the same way. My depression has gotten the better of me lately. I feel like a lot of the stuff I do is for everyone else, and I resent it. But I don't feel like I have much of a choice, because it's not gonna get done unless I do it. Hubby doesn't do a lot of helping, so I'm left with cleaning, running errands, etc. But what really helps me is that at the end of the day, I actually can count off all the constructive things I did regardless of how depressed I felt. It really helps with my guilt complex.

Hang in there. You're not alone.

Cyran0,
I don't have any answers and you knew I wouldn't. If you figure out how to get to the other side of nowhere let me know.

It's difficult when we come to that point in our lives where we realize that accomplishing the ideals of our youth did not bring us happiness. We are filled with emptiness and a feeling that there has to be more instead.

I can't speak to the children, sex, family relationships but that vast view of emptiness on the horizon I know all to well

Know that we care

Thanks, all of you. I've long felt that this feeling of complete sacrifice must be shared by lots of people and your comments prove that's true.

On one hand, this is such a small thing. A simple truth ultimately faced by everyone. It's so common that we don't even talk about it. And yet, on the other hand, that this is so universal makes it one of the biggest issues we face in life. And I find myself wondering, why don't we prepare people for it?

Instead of filling children's heads with a sense of limitless possibilities and the certainty that they'll really enjoy their lives, we should be honest with them and tell them that life is an endless series of sacrifices and compromises that are so numerous and relentless that ultimately they consume you. In the end, we are a ghost of ourselves and our only hope is that those we love have a better time of it than we did.

I know, I know. We don't tell them that because it's cruel. And because we know they'll learn the sad truth soon enough.

I should have known it but I have a really bad cold. My anxiety converts to overwhelming depression whenever I get sick; so much so that I could use it as physiological forecasting tool if only I remembered that this always happens to me.

So I can take some comfort in the fact that this illness will pass and I'll find my way back to my usual self. Everything I've written in this thread will still be true, but I'll have an easier time ignoring it and finding moments to indulge dreams that refuse to die.

Thanks again, everyone.

Cyran0

oh yes, it sounds familiar. When I was young I tought life would be FULL. I mean, be good or bad times, I thought I had a tasty mouthful. Now time has passed, I'm approaching 40 and nothing happened. And I say "so what?". You see, I have no wife, no kids, no house (I live with parents). YOur story tell me that if I had accomplished a lot that wouldn't make difference...

Yes, correct, children are kept in a kind of safe world where everything is colorful and fantastic (this applies to fortunate children of course). Then the child grows up and we tell him "ok you're grown up now, it's time for you to find out the truth. here is a truckload of xhit to eat!"
Better to tell them what life is like sooner? Or better yet NOT have kids?

I have no spouse, no kids, nor house too......I too had an ideallyc childhood, and hence believed life was a 'bowl of cherries........' then I came upon some very dark, dark years.....the emptiness was unbearable......slowly, my life turned around one piece at a time....now I'm at 35 years, and happy as a clam.......life wasn't exactly a bowl of cherries.........a chair of bowlies....(cute quote I once heard...)

Stefano you sound intelligent and funny, and perhaps your life will ever so slowly turn around...........and don't buy into the myth that being married or having kids is everything......families are everywhere & I do get jealous sometimes when I see a family that seems to have it all.......yet I have it all myself, I have inner peace.....one's perception of what life is like can change....in a heartbeat......

CyranO, You're such a smart guy...you've got it all figured out! (the problem) There in pieces in front of you like a jigsaw puzzle! put them together and then you'll see whats missing, a piece? some peace? a good piece? none of which are un-available to you...lol, take care

The pain of emptiness is what is most hard for me. I'm nearly 50 and have never felt more lost or confused. I think and hope that it's a very good thing that you're married, Cyrano; I read/heard somewhere that having a home & relationship is empirically healthier, especially for men. Especially for depression.

I too am very sad today. I'm single and functionally homeless; and "high functioning". When you're "high functioning" people assume you can function just because you have degrees or have work or whatever. I've been unemployed so long now I fear I am losing or have even lost employability. The pressure from this friend who rescued me when I lost my apartment---the middle class values pressure, mostly expectatcions---is so demoralizing. I'm so ashamed.

I hope that you feel better soon, Cyrano.

Schop, I haven't seen you around before so welcome. And thank you for the kind thoughts.

I'm sorry for all you're going through as well. I understand those pressures and it really does hurt your self esteem.

I hope I see you around more and I sincerely hope things start to turn around for you.

Cyran0

I know what I wanted when I was a kid - I wanted the high paying job with the travel and the big expense account. I got it. I also got addiction and mental illness because I was using work to run away from my true feelings. I'm in recovery now, but really struggling with getting back into the workforce and am now contemplating having to take a much lower, than I am used to, paying job, simply to end this gap on my resume. But every day when I get up and go about my day and don't drink is a little victory, one that I can remind myself of when I get down.

Cyrano, remember that happiness can be made up of little things, look for them, and remember that depression can eventually pass.

--splitimage