[RozG]

I've seen a few posts here saying men generally find it harder to own up to M.H. problems like depression? Can anybody tell me why and how women (be they sisters, wives etc) are supposed to give genuine help when the man won't even admit he has a problem?

I am NOT having a go at men here, I just think women like me need to understand better so's we can help better.

[Brian37]

well men are generally taught as they grow up to be strong and dont let emotions spill out...dont cry....dont complain....just be a provider for your family and work till your body gives out

Ive battled depression for over 25 years now and it wasnt until I was married that I sought help....mainly because my wife was tired of me
shutting her out so to speak....

just my opinion

[nowheretorun]

i think its not a gender question really KJ... for me, its people to people.. but, there are certain particulars that are unique, like post partum depression a man might not as quickly connect with ... and of course im wrong because many ment do....

so, the same would apply in a womans place i imagine... that certain 'male' particulars might be better tended by a fellow male..... i think that is true also....

but, if i was on a desrt isle with a woman for my partner, i would hope she would help the best she could, and ask nothing more..... id hope to do the same for her.....

in the process we may possibly each grow... and thats ok...

so, treat a man like you would like to be treated i guess is what im saying.... men sometimes have short fuses with feelings and want to 'act out' ....... there is a good guy in there... if you could, try to find and respect and care for that guy... he really does have feelings too.. even if he doesnt understand them either......

and as always... no when the chore is larger than you are imo...

[RozG]

Thank you for replying Brian. I'm glad you listened to your wife and got the help you needed?

I guess I'm just trying to figure out why some men won't listen to even their wives, no matter how much you say that you won't think them any less a man, in fact quite the opposite, you'll think more of them for being brave enough to admit to having a problem and seeking help.

Or maybe that's the wrong angle to take?

[RozG]

Hi nowheretorun

At the risk of sounding big-headed I always try to be VERY supportive of men with M.H. problems, to the point of offering to go to doc with them for moral support, getting them leaflets and info, giving them numbers to confidential helplines for men with depression etc.

I guess what I'm really wondering is...when you've done everything you can and more and to no avail...is it because it's coming from a woman? Is it best to enlist the help of another man...or would that make it worse on a pride level maybe?

[nowheretorun]

imo.. gender has nothing to do with it... thats imo.... others? well, take it case by case?

[Brian37]

my father has suffered from depression I believe, but you'll never get him to admit to it.....he conquered it thru beer drinking....I believe there is a heredity element to depression.....

[Cyran0]

The basic question of "why don't men get help" has to do with a couple factors that have already been touched on here.

The first is that yes, we're taught to be strong and stoic at all costs. When a little girl skins her knee, she cries and is comforted. When a boy does the same thing, he's (often) told not to cry and to be a man. This creates a habit that's carried into adulthood. Just look at how hard it is to get many men to see a doctor for a physical problem. They just don't want to go. Not only does it show weakness but letting someone else poke around at you breaches the defenses we work so hard to build. We need those defenses to be a man.

The second is that girls are encouraged to explore and understand emotions while boys are taught to be physical and competitive. Many men lack the tools necessary to really understand or verbalize their own feelings. Instead men feel them and react without much reflection. Again, I stress this point, men are just as emotional, they (often) just don't have the tools to do much more than react to them. On the other hand, women have focused on feelings and communication skills since they were old enough to play house. So when mental health issues come up, women are much more equipped to recognize this and seek help. Men (often) are not only not equipped to recognize the problem but are more likely to avoid even the suggestion of a problem because they're reacting to the anxiety such a suggestion causes. This creates a pattern of avoidance for men that helps lead us to an early grave.

The third thing is that a lot of demands are placed on men these days (both sexes, actually) and we don't deal with anything that isn't urgent. Mental problems rarely seem like an emergency so seeking help can be put off...and put off...and put off...even when we do see that we have a problem.

As to how to get a man to get help? That's too dependent on the individual to answer. For my father, he had to have a stroke before he got help for the anxiety that I inherited from him. I guess you just do your best to talk about it and hope you reach him.

Cyran0

[RozG]

Thank you CyranO, that's helpful insight.