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#1
Feb 09, 2008, 03:43 AM
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lately i have been falling faster... falling deeper... into the black hole of depression... it has consumed me...taken over life completely.. it's like a black smog...suffocating the breath of life from me.... my body aching with anxiety...cramping in pain.. the nausea... throwing up nearly every day...over and over as the physicality of depression drains my soul... anxiety attacks...late at night...where i can no longer breathe...or scream..or ask for help... where not even a cigarette will calm my shattered nerves.. where i have this compulsion to run... out the house..down the street...to somewhere i can hide and cry... where i long to 'use'...to embrace my 'vice'..once more.. the hopelessness...the helplessness...the inability to get out of bed... the tiredness and fatigue...from lying in bed for hours.. without sleeping..without resting... the pain in every muscle, every bone and every joint... insomnia... the thoughts that i am useless...that i am ugly...that i am bad.. the thoughts that i am worthless...not worth the dirt beneath your shoes.. the thoughts that i am a burden..that friends will leave me... the reoccuring thought that i am poisonous....and destroy everything.. the insecurity...that makes me cling...makes me hold onto friends for dear life...so that i won't be left alone or abandoned...the fear of being unloveable...the irrational thoughts that seem so right at the time... the saddness of my sweet inner child...who's heart is bleeding..who's wrists are bleeding...who's heart and soul craves the love i never received...who longs to be held...and comforted...and loved... the screams of the child who LOVES...with everything she has... the child who cries and hurts as no friend or lover can EVER LOVE as much as this hurting child... the memories of being used...of being abused.. the denial i lived with for years and years...building up in intensity and pressure...until it burst...and flooded my mind with the pain and images of sexual abuse...victim..survivor....?? or guilty.... the withdrawl..and isolation...the loneliness and darkeness... the social phobia... the tears...the weeping...the pillows drenched as i cry myself to sleep... the thoughts of death..of dying..of suicide.. the plan and the intent... the attempt...that failed... the fear.... i have fallen...i have crashed...i have slipped..over the edge.. i am lost..i am scared.. i am crying.. i am so depressed..... |
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#2
Feb 09, 2008, 08:16 AM
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((((somebody)))))
Know here at pc we all care I hear the pain in your words |
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#3
Feb 09, 2008, 08:53 AM
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((((((somebody)))))))) ... sounds painful... very descriptive... sounds lonely....
dont let futility be the master... you can have control... let it out, say it, write it, scream it, sing it... let others know, let them know why, let them know its not ok... let us know you are real, the darkness is real.... and then find strength, find friends, have hope, have will, have strength and determination... dont let the monster win... you are stronger... you can make it.. we will help... look up... |
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#4
Mar 08, 2008, 06:39 PM
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((((((((((((( somebody )))))))))))))
__________________
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#5
Mar 08, 2008, 10:00 PM
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Yes, the pain will end. You feel bad now, but if you hang on, the pain will end. Please reach out, even if you don't feel like it. Let other people take care of you now, even if you don't feel like it. Hang on.
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#6
Mar 09, 2008, 01:34 AM
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the really good thing is that im feeling a bit better since i wrote this....at least im not feeling this as often or as intently..it's weird seeing it brought up now after a month of therapy and meds...makes me kinda think im doing the right things for myself...i don't even remember writing it which is the weird thing...god...anyway...it's true...the pain that was that intense and that scary and that soul destroying HAS ended....so there is hope....im still in pain..im still unwell but god..im nothing like i was and that makes me kinda smile inside... :-)
i don't want to die... |
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#7
Mar 09, 2008, 10:32 AM
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good news Somebody : ) hang in there ...
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#8
Mar 12, 2008, 11:42 AM
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you are not alone in this area. I started suffering from depression at 12. I suffered greatly and lived in an abusive household. i had no Friends, and no one to talk to.
I floundered for years but have regained what was lost and worked to be a complete person. Depression no longer controls me. Keep trying, you will get though it.
__________________
I have suffered from severe depression most of my life. I have suffered though metal,physical, and sexual abuse. Only recently gaining control of my life. For the first time, I am living and happy! I also had to deal with panic attacks and anxiety issues, but I have made it through the worse, and am ready to move onto the better. If I can help anyone, I will be glad too. |
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#9
Mar 12, 2008, 02:52 PM
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and then you fall......
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and hit so very hard...... |
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#10
Mar 12, 2008, 02:55 PM
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as i said....
when will it ever end????????? going to see a psychiatrist for the first time today.....maybe that's actually a good thing... and to think...last week i thought i was really on my way to happiness... what a cruel f#$%6n joke.. :-( |
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#11
Mar 12, 2008, 02:57 PM
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(((((somebodysomeday )))))))))))|
here to catch you if you fall |
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#12
Mar 12, 2008, 03:09 PM
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PC will still be here somebodysomeday..... dont give up hope
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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