So scared, so scared

I couldn't sleep from stress over my job, not having a permanent home, things I own in storage for going on six months now, so that I didn't go to sleep until 3 a.m. Usually I pray for 30-60 minutes before sleep, but I didn't have enough faith or energy. I woke up at 11 a.m. I feel that I need the sleep for the lupus fatigue; besides, life is very scarey right now. But when I wake up so late, I feel lazy and worthless. I forgot to take my neurontin, which didn't help with the sleep situation.

The first thing I opened this morning was an envelope from my mother, who is helping with my bills right now. There was a clipping inside about how when people lose their jobs in their 50s, they often watch all their retirement savings get used up, have to take jobs at lesser pay, may look for a year, and often have to start a business of some type, which takes immense energy (not to mention -- enough savings to start a business, which I don't have). I know that she meant it to boost me up -- to comfor's me by knowing "it's not you, Enid, it's the world."

But all it did was make me feel -- well, I hate to say it, but feelings of such profound discouragement started up, I started thinking -- maybe I should just kill myself, after all? What's the point of going through any more of this hell, if it's going to end up with being as frightfully poor as I've been in the past, and losing everything I've worked for, for the past 15 years?

On the bright side, I have two men interested in me. I can't believe this happening in middle age, with my hair silver, and without a job or nice home. When I say, "I can't believe it," this is not a turn of phrase. My T -- who is male -- said, "Why shouldn't men be interested in you. You're intelligent and attractive and interesting."

Yes, but I am also *depressed,* and occasionally suicidal, and confused. I am putting them off, bec. they seem to want more frequent contact than I can handle. So far, they accept it, bec. these contacts are new, but I expect they will get tired of my backing away, and this interesting development will fade from my life, too, reinforcing my beliefs about how worthless I am.

Not a great start to the day -- which is the afternoon for me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(((((Wants2Fly)))))

"Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time..." ~DMB

Shakes, what does this quotation mean -- to place these chances in a box? and who is DMB? Sorry to be dense and not understand.

God. Your mother sounds like mine. Her "best intentions" are actually the worst possible thing she could do for you, and she's clueless about it. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I haven't had more than 2 dates in a row in more than a decade. Relationships are the last thing I want to think about when I'm depressed, which is my normal state of being. I figure, I can't take care of myself, hardly, how am I going to take care of somebody else? But, I haven't really had anybody that interested in me, either (some vibe I'm sending out, I think!). Take it easy with these men, but hey -- enjoy it, too. It's nice to be thought well of and found attractive.

Try to find something small and easy to do that's a treat for yourself as well. Designer chocolate always works for me, and it boosts serotonin, too! :-)

Candy

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus

"DMB" = Dave Matthews Band

They are lyrics from the song "Ants Marching"

You can find the full lyrics here <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.lyricsondemand.com/d/davematthewsbandlyrics/antsmarchinglyrics.html>http://www.lyricsondemand.com/d/davematthewsbandlyrics/antsmarchinglyrics.html</A>

(Don't feel dense, I had to look it up...

But the funny thing is, the name "Ants Marching" when I found it sounded familiar, and I thought maybe I knew the song, so I found a clip on Amazon.com and recognized it, I heard it a long time ago and always liked it and planned to buy it someday, and sure enough I remember, I'm sitting at my computer looking this up, and I look over to my left at the dry erase board that I got but never look at (tip to potential buyers: you know, it doesn't remind you of stuff if you don't look at it) and the board is almost completely blank with a few notes small in the corners, and in the middle really big is says "Ants Marching". Because I heard the song on the radio and didn't want to forget the title.

So it is a small world, but there are no coincidences...

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--http://www.idexter.com

Dex,
You do great detective work!! Yes it is Dave Matthews (My most favorite band in the world by the way.) The name of the CD is "Under the Table and Dreaming." If you want it I can digitalize it to my computer and send it to you if you do not want to buy it. It is one of my most favorite CD's ever. It is beautiful and his songs are bittersweet. The album is dedicated to the memory of his sister who was killed in South Africa by rebelists.

Just some of my own trivia.
Jessica

You just should have seen how funny it was for me, doing all the detective work, finding the answer, something clicking in my head, and then me looking slowly to the left where I had it written in big black letters not seven feet away from me. And it has been there so long that I not only ignore it, I "don't see it" anymore if you know what I mean...

It was like my dry erase board was watching my searches for lyrics and then at the end looked at me and said "DUH!!!"