scared of going to new T

I am so confused. I used to go talk to my counselor at school, but never actually got to any of the 'real' issues.. then I didn't have that interaction at all once I was out of h/s and then a few months ago ended up seeing a counsellor at the clinic at my universit... but the experience wasn't too great I would say. I was very reluctant to open up at 1st but then did, and felt very vulnerable afterwards. he made sure to tell me that I wasn't being forced to talk to him which I know but he brought this up A LOT which made me feel like he could care less whether I was there or not so I might as well not be. I have issues anyways thinking that someone else is more 'deserving' of therapy than I am...

he would always ask me the same standard questions in regards to my ed and si and relationships and I would just say something along the lines of "the usual" or "bad" at which point he did not ask for an elaboration, even though deep down I had just had a week of bingeing & purging, cutting, feeling depressed and not being able to concentrate.. as much as I knew he understood on some level I desperately tried to appear "put together" and "okay" and wouldn't tell him how bad things were and how they were actually getting worse. it was like I was fighting this image of me needing help.

he wasn't too experienced in general but I guess I was more passive than trying to get anywhere. at times it was very akward (silence) and then at other times 50 min didn't seem enough... I just hated that feeling of being vulnerable. he would say things like "why don't you do activities to enjoy your body", "go to yoga/take a bath".. I understand what he was getting at but he would give me no support how to get there and my problem was much bigger than just 'taking a class' to relax, and even if, you can't just tell someone "find ways to feel better about your body", leave it at that and expect the ed to clear up!!! if it would be this easy I wouldn't HAVE an ed.

so here's the problem: I am trying to get in touch w/ this new T which would be the first 'real' time that I'd be in therapy but I am dreading having to open up, feeling vulnerable and am scared the same thing will happen all over (me getting worse!). what can I do to not fall back into this cycle? how do I even begin to trust this person? how much do I open up- everything or just bits and pieces???

Scarey stuff. Your T works for you. They have to keep your confidentiality so lay it all out there. Usually the first session is an assessment with a lot of questions. Be honest, it will help in the long run. I wish you luck and I hope it's a good T.

backandforth,

I wish you well! Let us know how it goes!

I'm sure that you're nervous about what to say or not to say. I always had a problem about "where to begin", even when I knew that there was something bothering me. Finally, I learned to blurt something hard out, with my heart feeling like it might explode. It's hard.

Mostly, it just came out in bits and pieces and my t helped me to put those bits and pieces together and apply them toward my actions/reactions of today in order to understand myself better.

Just do what you can and let t do his/her part and hopefully it will work out great!

I wish you the best!

KD

I agree with wisewoman. =) I hope the T works well with you, sounds like you need a good one!

Take care

backandforth

it is normal to be nervous before meeting new T but, I am sure, you have no reason for feeling that way.

Just try to relax and have in mind that you should be honest and open, as much as possible and that you T is there to help you.

eehhh... well, I made the call, so that's a 1st... she said there's a waiting list so I'll have to wait and see but I guess it's something , right? thanks for all the well wishes, I will keep you updated... it's nice to know people know what this feels like.... b/c it feels like torture inside. not knowing which way to go and feeling too exhausted to even care at times. as scary as this was and is, I can say, it's weird how much of a relief it feels like... why is that, that the things that you fear the most in the end are those things that are the best for you (in this instance)?