[beth16]

I am so sick of riding this car called life. I feel like I am driving down a narrow, windy, bumpy, full of pot holes, cracked pavement road during a dark, windy, rainy, and stormy night. A road that doesn't end with steep cliffs on either side. I feel like these endless cliffs are whispering, "come jump off- you don't have to drive that road...things are much easier down here...it's a swift fast ride that requires little attention...come take the easy route." My heart says, "yes I desperately want out of the car", but my mind says, "get a hold of your self, take the challenging route it will be a more rewarding route". But will it? Why does my family shut me down, why does my past haunt me, why can't I trust another person, why do I feel that everyone is out to get me or has an alternative motive for their actions....why do I hurt so much....why can't I sleep....why am I controlled by my feelings....Why Why Why? DOES IT EVER END! I want to cry for help, but fear no one will listen. Will they take me serious or just laugh and tell me to "snap out of it". I fear life itself. Why do I get upset when my daily routine gets altered? Why am I so irritable? Why should I care? I am sorry for posting so long, but I don't know what else to do?

<font color="purple">These are some very painful questions to ask yourself, and I think you have alot of stregnth to ask them, it is true- that life can be a difficult journey, but please, don't stop. Life may be difficult but it is rewarding as well. Right now the road may be terrible-but just think, sometime from now...as you continue to drive, you will come to a path where the road is smoother and the sun is shining and the grass is fresh and green. The cliff may be faster- yet falling off a cliff leads to nothing but pain. </font>

[Pseudonym]

Don't forget - you're not alone. Most of us here on PC, often feel just like you do. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's not. Don't worry about posting as much or as little as you want, we'll read it. My advice for the moment, having been in your shoes too, is that it looks like a lot of your worries are very external - family, past, no one listening, etc. - and you could benefit quite a lot from a nice break. Do what you can to spend some time alone (don't forget to mention it to people, so they don't interrupt), and figure out what it is beth16 wants from beth16.

If that seems glib, it probably is. None of us are going to magically wake up better, but the first step is the hardest. If you don't feel comfortable with psych help, continue posting here - verbalizing often helps. I don't know your family, but if I had to guess, if they saw that you were indeed hurting, they would take you seriously. A shoulder to cry on is the most wonderful thing in the world.

I sympathize with you, beth. And for the record, I think the most challenging route is the most rewarding route nearly all the time, but it doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to make your route challenging*.

(hug)

* own experience anecdote alert - I don't really get along well with my stepfather. He's not abusive or anything, it's just that we don't have anything in common, he's somewhat more boisterous than I am, and such things. Sometimes he asks me if I want to go out to eat with him. He likes me, and wants to connect I guess. My first instinct is to say "forget it". I don't like leaving the house, so it's typically really important things that make it seem "worth it". And if I do leave, I like to be with someone I trust when I do. So anyway, he asked last night, and I thought "forget it", and then I thought about the sort of thing you were saying. You know "anything rewarding is hard", "try to do things you don't like to do and see how they are", etc. I'm not good with the phrasing, but you know what I mean. So I said OK. And it sounds kind of trite, but it was actually not nearly as awful as I thought it'd be. The food was good, which helps, but the conversation wasn't too bad, either. I have to remember that for next time. Just an example of what I mean. It doesn't have to be life-changing situations we're talking about, just incremental adjustments. =)

[nowheretorun]

please try Beth....

[beth16]

I am continuing to drive down this road called life. As much as I may hate it at this point there is a small voice inside that whispers, "some day you'll be past this chapter in your life and the road will smooth itself out - eventually". I will continue to try...today., tomorrow is a new day...and I will try again. I do get to be alone because I live alone...except for my fish . The family I referred to is my adult siblings and my folks. I try to talk to them, but they seem unable to relate. I can not share my feelings with my friends..I just can't do that. I have seen a psych before ...it helped...life got better for many years, and yes it did have some significant ups and downs, but nothing that was interferring with my daily life....then WHAMMO!!! It has hit hard...unexpectedly....with no sensitivity....and I am caught completely off gaurd! So any way...it does help to post here. I have looked up therapist in the area, but am just not ready to take that step yet.

Pseudonym- I am so happy that you went out with your stepfather and it went better than expected. I am glad both the food and the conversation was good. Your actions of physically going through this event has been encourging to me as I look at myself and think -- yes I can follow your lead and and take the more difficult road.

Thank you all for your continued support. It means a lot to me.

[Cthomas]

Wow you've asked every question ice ever asked myself.

You need to keep going because when you make small strides you begin to have hope for bigger strides. Take it from somebody who had no stride for a long time. Keep it up. Just when you think its all crap something good will be coming. Keep saying today will be a good day. Practice makes perfect. Keep trying. We all deserve to be happy.

Hope this helps.

[Pseudonym]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Pseudonym- I am so happy that you went out with your stepfather and it went better than expected. I am glad both the food and the conversation was good. Your actions of physically going through this event has been encourging to me as I look at myself and think -- yes I can follow your lead and and take the more difficult road.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well, then, it was doubly worth it. =)

Take your time in getting up the motivation to see a therapist. It almost feels like if you're TOO eager you go in with unrealistic expectations. I live with my mom and stepfather now, which carries its own stigma, but to be honest, the worst time I've ever had was when I was living alone (didn't even have fish ). Have you considered getting a roomie?

*hug* - hang in there.

[beth16]

Today is a new day.. no I haven't considered a room mate. However, I have had them in the past. I am kind of crazy or obsesive compulsive. It stresses me out to have some one come over and mess things up out of order or leave a mess laying around, or just having some one around when I want to be alone irritates me. Its pretty crazy. So I think I do better alone. I like my things in their designated places. Pretty silly, I know, but that is just me,

[nowheretorun]

you is ok Beth : )

[Pseudonym]

I think you'd be surprised how common that is around here I'm somewhat that way as well, but the irritation is better than the depression for me. And if you can find a neat-freak roomie, well, then you're good to go! Might even find someone tidier than you are, as I did. Felt weird to be the "messy" one.

Like your new avatar, nowhere.