[angel730]

I just need to talk to someone or to just write what I am feeling right now because I can’t stop crying and need an outlet. I am in college right now and have usually been a good student while dealing with constant depression. I have been able to keep it to myself and deal with things in life. This last year has been hell for me and I am slipping to the point where I haven’t been to class in two weeks. I know I should go but I can’t do it in the end because I just have a mental breakdown and keep thinking of suicide and hurting myself. I know this is stupid because all it does is perpetuate the cycle. I hate myself for doing this but I can’t deal with it. I have always been able to pick myself up from these severe depression slumps but I don’t think I can this time. I just keep failing. The sad thing is, is that no one in my life seems to even notice when I ask them for help--they are too busy. I don't blame them considering I know how busy life can be. I just need someone to talk to here because no one in my life understands me and I can't afford to get professional help. please...

[ELLIEANDMONKEY]

Angel.....I just recently had to withdraw from 5 courses and 3 labs at college. It was absolutely one of the most difficult and painful decisions I had to make.

It was useless to keep missing classes though. And I couldn't study at all anyways.

My boyfriend helped me to look at the big picture.....its only money and its only 1 semester.

I am going to get help and then continue on my way.

Sometimes bumps in the road occur.....that is life and your health always comes first.

Good luck....i know how you are feeling....you are not alone.

[angel730]

Thank you,
Can I just ask a question? How did you deal with the pressures from your family and friends? My family has no idea what I have been going through and think everything is perfect. My friends wouldnt understand it and would probably just tell me to suck it up. Any kind of help would be good. Thanks again.

[JulieBean]

Yeah, I am in the same boat. I had to half my classes... I think I dropped 4 out of 8 of my classes. I have been sinking in my depression as well.

As far as friends and family... family - they kicked me out about a year ago. I am on my own now. They kicked me out, and then I moved to Texas from Massachusetts to go to a killer music school. I get no help or support from them, and was even estranged from them for awhile after i was kicked out. Friends... quite a few of my friends know what I have been through, but I have no one close right now to go to. Its what makes it so much harder. If i just had someone I could go to at the end of the day it would be so much better. That person used to be my upstairs neighbor... he was who I came home to and I would knock on his door and tell him what was up... but he moved.

Sorry, I'm totally making this about me. Just letting you know that I know how you feel.

[angel730]

thank you,
When i look at what youve done and are still doing okay it makes me feel a little better. i'm just too scared to change anything--I think that's why I'm having a hard time accepting what is happening. I cant deal with the stress at all. but thank you.

[ELLIEANDMONKEY]

I think perhaps the one of the biggest pressures I have is what my family and friends will think of me.

Logically I know they will love me unconditionally but I can't help but feel they still judge me deep down. And that kills me. I want to be almost perfect in their eyes.

I just recently told my bro and friend and I got a tsk tsk. I felt like crap. But they don't know what I'm going through.

I look at it this way. Many people say people that are depressed are weak and whimpy. They have no idea what we go through. So how can they even dare begin to judge. I know because at one time I was one of them.

When I'm 90 and on my deathbed none of this will matter. The materialistic things won't matter. My degree wont' matter. The type of car I drive, how much money I have, the amount of my house....it won't matter. My degrees......my medals.....they won't matter. I won't look back on them.

I will look back and remember my happiest moments. The time I spent with my children.....my husband. Going for the long walks on the beautiful nights with the stars out. Taking joy in my children playing. I dont yet have children by the way. Snuggled up in my boyfriends arms whispering sweet nothings. Sitting around a campfire with a few good friends sharing some hotdogs and beer.

Those are what I will look back on....not my schooling.

I want schooling for a better life yes......more money, job I love. But in the meantime I have to focus on the few things that make me happy which right now isn't much unfortunately.

I will finish school. But if I don't it wont'make or break my life. I won't let it.

I think everybody wnats to be happy. Most people equate money and power with happiness. I've learned enough to know that just isn't enough. So I have to focus on what truly will make me happy.

That's the ultimate goal of life....to experience happiness.

[foreverlost]

Please talk to someone. Does your university have a counseling center? I understand that no one "gets it". I'm now a professor but I had depression back then and I am still fighting it. I wish I had found someone to talk to back then because I got so used to shutting it out that now I don't even know how to talk about it. Another thing, as hard as it may be, if you absolutely cannot continue with your classes and are doing poorly, it is better to WITHDRAW, so those grades don't haunt your record. As another responder said, it is only a little money (in the long run) and a semester, and you've got time. Take care of yourself first and foremost. You're in my thoughts.

[Christina86]

((((((((((angel730))))))))))))

I'm in university, so I know about the amount of stress you can get under having to do so much schoolwork.

Can you try to send an email or go see your teachers to explain that you're depressed right now? Profs can be pretty understanding sometimes, because they're human too... and it is common to be depressed as a student, especially when we're under chronic stress from assignments and exams.

You can talk here/post all you want.

Does your college have a health centre where you can see a counsellor or a psychiatrist? Or maybe go see a doctor and try and be honest and say you're having a hard time right now? If you can't say anything, you could print off your post and bring it to them instead?

Safe hugs. Send me a PM if you ever want to talk, okay?

[Pseudonym]

This is extremely common at this stage in life. I'd be shocked -SHOCKED- if there weren't a counseling center on campus. The pressure of school isn't really that bad, it's the pressure of post-school that did me in during those years. I haven't really recovered. I wish I had been sound enough to recognize how much help my local campus counseling might have been.

As for explaining your sitch to your family and friends, I often find that the best approach is to be as honest and direct as possible. Don't fake it being better than it is to make it less uncomfortable. Be earnest and forthright, and hopefully at least one of them will clue in. Also recommended is printing out any threads you write in on here and giving it to them. It's sometimes easier to express yourself with total strangers like us, and then it's just a quick hop to giving the printout to the loved ones.

Take care, and welcome!

[ELLIEANDMONKEY]

There is no counselling on my campus at all. Even the advisors remind you that they are there to strictly advise about school....not life matters. I thought they were to talk to about anything but not in my school.

[Pseudonym]

*SHOCKED*

[Behindthemoon]

i ask for this post to be stuck to the top.
"i keep failing"
thats actully how i felt when i was in your situation several years ago.
"they are too busy"
just the same too...

come on guys! she need more support i think