[lostinwilderness]

I'm sorry if this is not where I'm supposed to post this but I reckon its a bit too rant filled for creative corner and a bit too negative for the self esteem section. Sorry in advance if its so.



There was a time when you were always around, and I was always smiling,
In that one second, life turned on its head and I just kept on crying,
You didn't care or even look back and I felt as if I were dying...

Despite what I've written above, I've never experienced a break up or anything remotely as bad at least in the romantic sense. Though I feel as if I've been rejected by the majority of my paternal relatives or maybe it was used to feel because I really don't care anymore. I just wish I had the courage to tell them to their face how much they hurt me and pretty much screwed me over. That my pathetic-ness right now was a direct result of their actions. But I doubt they give a damn about it anymore. They'd probably just shrug it off and get on my parents' case to do something about me. How it was not their side of the family. As if!



You were supposed to give a damn, like me just the way I am.
Why didn't you? Was I really that bad?
You always measured me up against her and found me wanting,
Why couldn't you ever see me for me?
Why couldn't you ever accept me for me?
I always had to be as good as she,
Wasn't I good enough on my own?
Where do you get off judging me like that?
Where do you get off hurting me like that?
Why wasn't I ever good enough for you?
Almost all the problems I've got you were the beginning.
Is it guilty conscience?
Is that why you're around me so much?
Why you now ask after me?
I've ruined all my other relationships by now,
Because I don't want to be found lacking anymore,
Are you happy now? Are you content?
I still can't hate you, you know and I still crave your acceptance..........
For whatever foolish reason, one I can't seem to help,
One for which I just hate myself....
God damn you, but still not 'cause I still care and still not...
And I just hate myself even more.

[RozG]

If it means anything ((lostinwilderness)) ...I care, I give a damn, I like you just the way you are...and wherever this rant is best placed doesn't really matter. What matters is you let people know how you feel so we can be here for you.

*hugs* hang in there, things will get better for you!

[Christina86]

Rant away!

((((((((((lostinwilderness))))))))))))

Safe hugs, hope you feel a little bit better getting it out.

[Doh2007]

[Pseudonym]

I read that as "Rent" space... I need to use a bigger font.

Good rant! Don't worry about the possibility of the wrong forum. As far as I'm concerned, rants are poetry and vice versa. We have mods who'll move it if they need to. =) It was nice meeting you briefly the other day in chat. Maybe if I stay up late enough we can do it again! *hug*

[Justgiving]

Do not hate yourself. You are trying very hard and if some people in your life don't like the way you are, do not worry about it, it's just a reflection of themselves. It's them they don't like not you.

Some people have so much hate inside of them that they want to make everyone around them miserable but in the end, they are the one who are most sadder because they have never find love. They have never learned to let go and move on.

I hope you are feeling better.

[lostinwilderness]

Hi there,

Thanks Kalamity Jane. Its good to know that I have a helping hand or more like a shoulder to lean on whenever things get me down.
Please don't mind if I borrow your teddy for a hug every now and then.

I do feel better getting it all out Christina. More so as posting it here and your replies gave me the courage to confide in someone about it in real-life and their reaction wasn't as bad as I expected and rather encouraging.
Love the puppy in your signature and its lovely doleful eyes.

Thank you Doh. I suppose I can count it as an experience as it was definately unwanted.

Are you sure you don't need glasses or have them updated Pseudo? I had mine checked out recently and I'm due a new pair soon. Thanks, I'll put in the effort to make sure that my rant quality remains just as good. And as far as chat sure Pseudo.

Thanks Justgiving.I know that rationally I shouldn't worry about it and that most often there's nothing I can do to help,and that I just can't conform myself to their sensibilities, in an attempt to appease them. That it doesn't work that way. But I suppose sometimes or more often rationality gets thrown out of the window and more so when you're already feeling down and adds up on itself.

Thanks everyone for your words, and thanks for listening(reading more like).

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( lostinwilderness ))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

May I rant right along with you and on the same line? Hope you don't mind, because I can sure relate to what you've said.

To my so-called family. The cousins; you know, Fernandez is NOT a Jewish last name so even though you think you're so close to God that Jesus is your blood sibling, you're WRONG! You are no one to judge me or the world! You're so busy judging others and imposing what you think is justice, you can't see the log in your own eye!

MOM, so sorry you weren't able to live the life you wanted but you know what? That's YOUR problem. I wasn't put here to live your life for you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you "couldn't make out of me" what YOU wanted because I already had MY very own purpose for being here? No, I'm sure you didn't!

To school mates and others I've met along the way... Guess what?! I don't give a rats tail what you think of me or how you judge me! That's YOUR problem, not MINE!

I am who I am and damn proud of it! If you don't like it, then walk away, don't look back. You weren't there when I needed a helping hand, when I needed to be rescued, when I needed shoes to wear and food in my belly or when I needed to feel love and acceptance, so I SURE AS HELL DON'T NEED YOU NOW!

You think you're all so high and mighty and so damn righteous! Look again! You've got faults just like anybody else does! You're no more perfect than I am! What you think is right MAY be right for you but it IS NOT right for me! Don't try to control me, don't tell me I'm screwed up just because you don't see things the way I do! I AM!! I am ME! And ME is good enough for ME and for my Creator!!

I don't need your acceptance! I don't need your approval! I sure as Hell don't need what YOU call LOVE. It's NOT love! It's CONTROL!! It's USING me to get what you can't have for yourself! It's ACCUSATIONS of what YOU are guilty of yourself but can't see it for that log in your own eye!

I'm better off without the lot of you!