[Defective]

I was thinking to myself this morning how weird life is. When i was 18 if i had known what life would have been like at 22 id have quit. At 22 it was acceptable but if i had known what life was like at 26 id have quit. At 26 it was acceptable and if i had known what life would be like at 33(right now) id have quit. It doesnt quite seem acceptable but im not about to do anything drastic at this point either. Not what i want but i guess its whats been given to me. Thinking about this scared the heck out of me though! I mean yikes! When im 40 if i look at it through the eyes of my 33 year old self will i cringe that i put up with that? Does life ever get better? Is life a continual process of regret, pain and disapointment? Just when you think you cant take anymore you find you're a sponge and can soak up that much more.

I dont know what im doing other than whining here. It just made me depressed to think about how often i feel like im at a breaking point throughout my whole life only to see i can handle much crappier things. Thats not really a good thing. Im ready to handle some good stuff.

[TaintedGoth1]

Ya know...I think the fact that you can handle much more than you give yourself credit for is such a GOOD thing! I mean think about it...everytime you think you would've quit you actually made it through! That is amazing strength that you have inside you!

[onlymedid]

BJ

[Fuzzybear]

[Kiya]

my sentiments exactly.

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Defective said:
I was thinking to myself this morning how weird life is. When i was 18 if i had known what life would have been like at 22 id have quit. At 22 it was acceptable but if i had known what life was like at 26 id have quit. At 26 it was acceptable and if i had known what life would be like at 33(right now) id have quit. It doesnt quite seem acceptable but im not about to do anything drastic at this point either. Not what i want but i guess its whats been given to me. Thinking about this scared the heck out of me though! I mean yikes! When im 40 if i look at it through the eyes of my 33 year old self will i cringe that i put up with that? Does life ever get better? Is life a continual process of regret, pain and disapointment? Just when you think you cant take anymore you find you're a sponge and can soak up that much more.

I dont know what im doing other than whining here. It just made me depressed to think about how often i feel like im at a breaking point throughout my whole life only to see i can handle much crappier things. Thats not really a good thing. Im ready to handle some good stuff.

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[Defective]

Thats true, it could be a good thing. Thats definitely the more healthy way to look at it. Im going to try to think of it like that. Id rather be poor at coping with large amounts of bad long term and be great at coping with the present though. At least there is a 'good at' in there somewhere. I have an appointment with a new therapist on thursday and if there is a section where it wants you to list some good traits ill write that down with all the paper work they always want you to fill out

[musicnmoods]

Hi. I just wanted to say that I just turned 40 and know exactly what you mean about looking back on your life and realizing it's been a collective series of disappointments grief and pain, yet here we are still. I'm not one who necessarily believes that "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger," unless "stronger" includes becoming bitter angry and cynical- as I have-lol. But I think that we also continue to be here because we know what the alternative is- and unfortunately it's not something we can undo and retry later. But because you said you're ready to handle some good stuff shows that you won't reject it when it comes (as depression and apathy often make us do). So I hope your happiness is right around the corner, you sound like you deserve it.

[Cyran0]

This is an interesting thread. It's close to what's been on my mind lately.

I'm 33, I have a wife, kids, a decent job, and no life. From the time I get up to the time I go to bed, life is a perpetual grind, locked into endless obligation.

Looking back ten years, I know this isn't how I wanted things to go but here I am and I have to continue, like it or not. Some days the pressure is so crushing I feel like it's destroying me. Other days I just wonder why I continue when the grind has tapped my joy of life. Am I just living for my kids? And why does everything about my life have to be for other people? What about me?

Those questions keep me from releasing my one dream and so I pursue my artistic goals on top of my day job and parental duties. It's the one thing I have that's still mine. But in ten more years, when I still haven't achieved my ambitions, will I abandon them? Will the grind of obligation be all that's left?

It makes you wonder if life is a cruel joke. We can only hope, despite all evidence to the contrary, that this is not the case.

Cyran0

[Perna]

My life got better when I was 35 but not all at once, just fundamentally; I met my husband and that added a stabilizing element I could build on.

Yes, I sometimes cringe when I think of my teen years or my 20's and most of my 30's. Some of them were very wasted, it feels like. But now I'm 57 I wouldn't give up or trade my life and like myself and am comfortable with those around me. I miss a few things from earlier, wish I had know some things sooner, etc. but I can see my life is working out okay.

[splitimage]

I'm calling my 30's the lost decade - lost to addiction, depression, and workaholism. The last 18 months have simultaneously been the hardest and best in my life. I got sober, went IP and got my meds fixed, found a new job that's much lower stress that is allowing me to continue oupatient treatment for alcoholism, and I am learning to play the harp which is a passion of mine. I sometimes regret screwing up my 30's so badly, and feel like I'm behind my peers, but today I can honestly say that I feel hopeful about the future & that I can make positive changes in my life that will make it what I want it to be.

So hang in there - things can get better.

--splitimage

[musicnmoods]

I really relate to everything you said. It's a scary place to be when you feel like there's no joy in your life, because that can leave open too much room for future regret (by filling this void with less-than-ideal things-whatever they might be). And I especially understand feeling like you're only living for your children. Quite literally too, for how many times have we heard someone say, "If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't even be here." We're told by everyone that what YOU want and need doesn't really matter once you have kids. Your place is now in the backseat. Because I love my kids so much I try to put that into the right perspective and remember that part of me still needs to be that person I was before I was a parent. (Or wife, husband, etc.). Being comfortable with all these roles is what I think helps with our success. I wasn't too good at this, which partially contributed to me no longer being married. To shift from the "wife" side of me to the "mom" to the "friend or coworker" and back to "myself"- the one that got to do things just for me- made me feel like I was going to lose it sometimes. I agree that you have to still have those things that make you you- your art, goals and dreams, because they will help you to be all the things that everyone loves about you, and you love about you, and without them is when you begin to change and second guess and build resentments. As far as not achieving your ambitions ten years from now and how you'll feel if you don't, I guess depends on whether your ambitions can be built onto the things you have now- the things that are the core of your life. If they can, you'll only make life better by adding to what you already have and love, and then the obligations won't feel so overwhelming anymore. They'll only be the functional part in a life that's in all other ways pretty fulfilled.

[Cyran0]

mnm, thanks and well said. You make some good observations. What's making it hard right now is that, despite all efforts, parenting and work are taking all my energy, leaving nothing left to put towards me.

Cyran0

[astralsoul]

I hate to say this, but it's easier to be an alcoholic than to have mental issues... People just don't understand...