Why try?

I thought I was starting to feel better, trying to figure out a way to get back to work gradually, etc. And, then, I thought, what the f*** am I doing? My old life was just good enough that I didn't quite have the motivation to take my life. That is the LAST thing I want to go back to!So, what am I even working for? I can't even imagine a satisfactory solution...I'm just not worth the effort, you know? I've been depressed forever; what are the real odds that it will ever change? I just need a little more courage to pull off a final act and every day I hope to find it. Sorry, just a whiny loser...

Well, no, you are not a loser, I feel like that a lot, we have to keep going somehow.

(((((((((((( foreverlost )))))))))))))

You cannot go back even if you want to so don't worry that your life will be the same as the just-good-enough one you had before. It can be better is why we try. The scenery always changes and we can't see ahead; if we'll feel better or even worse next.

We try because in better times we can build a house that might help protect us in worse times and good, comforting habits always protect. I'm a good waiter and can outlast bad times such that that has gotten to be a habit of mine and helps protect me in bad times. Practice "good' habits, especially when they're hardest, and they'll pull you through to better times.

The time I was closest to suicide, I randomly thought of and realized I was late making my six month appointment to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist; called and did that and that made a lot of difference in my really bad situation! There was something on my calendar for the future, one more thing holding me here and to think about instead of my own immediate depression and problems. It changed my perspective and outlook ever so slightly but that was all that was needed to pull me back from the precipice.

Things are constantly changing and yes sometimes they get worse before they get better, but I firmly believe that if we try we can make positive changes in our life. On Christmas day 2006 I was in hospital in massive alcohol withdrawl, hooked up to a ton of machines that were beeping because none of my vital signs were normal. I lost my job due to drinking. I spent 2007 in rehab, was hospitalized in a psych hospital for 7 weeks and hit the lowest spot in my depression ever. I was suicidal for about 6 months of 2007 and then had to go through the stress of finding another job. Now thanks to a med change, good therapy, and a lot of hard work I've started a new job. I'm sober. And i'm slowly rebuilding my life to make it what I want. It's still hard, but as I said in therapy the other week, for the very first time in a long time, I'm feeling just "normal" and it's weird because I haven't felt this way in such a long time. So hold on and keep fighting becuase no matter how bleak things seem at the moment they can get better.

Good luck.

Splitimage

You aren't a whiny loser. Feeling depressed to that degree is something many of us here have felt, and it isn't easy to deal with.

Do you have anyone to talk to about all this, some sort of support system?

(((((((((((((foreverlost)))))))))))))

(((((((((((foreverlost))))))))))))
I don't think you are a loser and you are definately worth the effort. Have you tried therapy and setting goals for what you are working towards?

((((((((((((( foreverlost )))))))))))))))

Thank you all for your support. I appreciate and so admire your progress splitimage; it's nice to hear a positive outcome developing. I just really am a loser. I've had losts of opportunities I could have done so much more with, I've let my personal life deteriorate to the point where I have very little social support, I've given up my livelihood because I'm too stupid to think anymore, etc. Probably way too many of you have experienced the same, which just makes me feel so much WORSE. Why are there so many of us? I've had the nicest T, my first ever and I'm old, for about a year. I just cannot get the hang of trusting him or anyone, really. That's why I never tried before. When I grew up, secrecy was a family oath. Over 30 years of depression and I could never talk to anyone about it. AWWW - sorry for whining yet again. But, thanks so for your support.