I have been really scared about posting this and I keep editing it to make it shorter and shorter or to change a bit so I am gonna write the truth and then post it straight away so I cannot change my mind. Sorry if I don't make much sense, I find it really hard to write down emotions and stuff when I know people are going to read.

I've always been a really closed person and the only person who knew about the stuff I had been through was my mum and sister. My sister is now dead but we weren't that close so i have been okay although I still sometimes get sad. My mum has become deeply depressed since her death and I look after her.
I don't want to get into details but an incident has happened this week which has made me realise that i have truly lost my mum and our relationship will never be the same again.

I have lots of friends but they aren't very close and don't know much about me. They are more sort of party friends I suppose. I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one who knows me enough to call in to check i am okay. I feel really unloved and really lonely. A lot of that is probably my fault because a lot of my friends would love to get close to me but i keep them at bay. I just can't ever open my mouth to start to tell them what is going on.

I have been crying all week and i never cry. I just can't stop crying and I feel so small because of it. I sat for hours last night in the garden with my dogs just trying to stop sobbing. At least i have my dogs.

I just sometimes wish someone could see that I might act all happy but i am quite clearly not.

[TaintedGoth1]

(((((hellishlygood)))))

I'm so sorry you are hurting...I'm not in a good place myself but I wanted you to know that there are people who care.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( hellishlygood )))))))))))))))

[stefano]

I'm very closed too. It's quite hard to get out of it. As I am striving to find some people whom I can call friends, I have realized that since my problems with depressin are such a relevant part of my personality (an awful idea, yet a truth), the only ones who can really know me are those who share the same or similar problems. Other ones may be so kind and caring to try to understand, but there is no way. My mother doesn't understand mood disorders (she is too practical). And so we have become just like people living together. The blood link is irrelevant when mental illness traces the boundary.
Awful, yet true

UH, and of course the pets! They are just perfect

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( hellishlygood ))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time. Please take care of yourself, try doing things to help you relax.

[john4]

Re: hellishlygood,
I empathise fully with what you're saying but please may I ask one question: "...I just can't stop crying and I feel so small because of it..., you say. Why feel so small? I went through precisely the same crying thing and - like you - felt "small", "embarrassed" - call it what you will. This went on for months. It's only now I realise what a good thing it was that I cried so much. I, too, never used to cry - until then. I fully respect the fact that you may be a very private person. Please do not feel belittled by the fact that you cry. (Does this help in any way?)

[ziggy1]

Sorry Hellishly..... Glad u finally posted! Good for you!!! I know how ya feel i am the same way. Keeping everything In!

I can get really closed too. Crying is good though...it is a good
release. Always here if you need to chat, Pm or Email.!!

Take Care
God Bless

Ziggy

Thank you all for your replies *hugs to all of you*
I was really worried no one would reply.
You've all been helpful and thank you John, yes that does make excellent sense

[nightbird]

you know, i was that way. closed off - except for a few people.

well, i moved away from everything i knew, to start a new life, and from the beginning, i promised myself to honor who i was - and haven't stopped. I told people about me, my life, things that happened if stuff came up - well, i was for the first time, real with my life experiences. i became my authentic self.

now, i also picked a liberal place to live, which helps because people here are caring and compassionate and help each other with information, direction, and inclusion.

it's pretty diverse too.

I do remember when i was holding everything close to the vest - and i feel for you.

all those years.

why not make your area a little more liberal and speak freely about what is on your mind, and whatever comes up about your experiences, that's the way the ball bounces - you may improve your surroundings just by letting your true self out -

i hope you do - as love awaits ... people care ... you will give others a chance to learn about you - and that is a gift!

love,
night

[MyBestKids2]

Hi hellishlygood,

I know what you mean by keeping people at bay. I have a very limited (2 or 3) inner circle because I don't want people to know me. Sometimes, I feel I don't deserve to have people like me. It is a horrible feeling.

I hope you can continue to open up here, and maybe we can get to know you a bit!

Take care,

Dee

[foreverlost]

Hi hellishly. You are certainly not alone; I'm not a very trustful person either. While this may not provide much consolation, I've found others' experineces (in the forum) that are similar, do provide a lot of support - makes me lfeel a lot less alone and weird. I've not divulged to either my friends, and certainly not to my family, 2500 miles away, how desperate I feel at all. I find it very easy to claim to be fine and change the subject. I just don't know how long it can last.

[nightbird]

(((stephano)))

i get your point of view.

it is difficult within family to get understanding for these difficulties.

i am supported mostly IRL through friends who are totally unrelated to me in family or work, and who seem to be more open minded than myself, and more successful with life in general.

i attribute my connecting to others with taking myself alot less seriously than i had for many years before, and humoring my situation, when possible.

that's about my connecting. my depression and illness cut me off for a time here and there. if i've lost contacts, i begin again when i am feeling better. if friends are still around, i'm grateful for such wonderful people. those that aren't, i'm saddened, but i know i will gain more friendships as life goes on.

the website we are on, the internet, and group functions provide contact with others. some find connections through their churches, organizations, sports, book clubs, just about anyplace you have an interest in. it's all good. we don't have to feel so alone anymore. or isolated. we can have IRL exeriences with others in social gatherings if we are uncomfortable with one-on-ones.

anyway, glad you are here. it's nice to meet you.

peace and friendship,
nightbird