[Ariah]

Im sure this will sound nuts but im feeling kinda nuts so it works out swell. Lately ive been feeling much better but today I spent a lot of time alone in the car and had time to think. What if the only reason im feeling better is because of the med change recently? That means like a switch I could be back right where I was before I was hospitalized. After all nothing about my circumstances has changed in the last two weeks. I dont want to be back in that situation again as it was ugly. Just seems like a bad bad night and it scares me quite a bit. Even stupid things are making me wired like I went to pick my boyfriend up at work and they were closing the place down and two employees came out and started chatting near my car which made me very uncomfortable. Then he ended up being later than expected and I was stuck there as he works miles away so I cant just leave and come back. So im stuck with even more time alone to think which isnt good when your anxiety and depression seem like they are steamrolling you. When things go wrong they seem to go wrong in bunches and you can see the dominoes falling and no matter how fast you try to stop them they always are faster. Which is funny because logically I know nothing truly bad happened but its hard to convince my emotions of that.

Other things I thought about are what if im just meant to be a glass half empty kind of person? Are the meds changing me from whom im supposed to be? They always say be true to youself and all that. I feel isolated in the real world as if I tell people so soon after coming out of the hospital that im feeling this down they will shove me back in there. That is the last thing I want right now. Which is ironic because my only other topic is me wanting to go back at the drop of a hat.

I noticed this morning I was feeling more mellow than the day before but I made myself not worry as I figured that would just make it more likely I was falling. Then most of the day I was fine and then I drove to get my boyfriend and I said how that went and am just falling into the dark pit. I already told family id come and visit them this weekend and wow do I regret that decision. I just want to curl up and hide. Ok im done ranting now I just needed to get that out of me.

[Wants2Fly]

HI Ariah -- I am sorry that you are feeling alone in the heart of the night. I often can't sleep bec. of anxiety and depression. I wish I could.

As for your musings that the medication may be turning you into someone you are not -- wouldn't it be the opposite. Many religions tell us, using various different languages, that we are the rich children of a loving Father, that He wants us to be happy, joyous and free. Secularly, the Constitution states that we are all free to pursue happiness.

If nature left out a brain chemical that we need to pursue happiness, are we becoming MORE of who we really are when we take a medication that gets us back on an even keel? Would you deny a diabetic insulin because nature left it out and it changes the diabetic from who she "really is."

Well that's just my $.02. Take care of yourself, Ariah.

[galadriel]

(((((((((Ariah)))))))))

Hey dont be so hard on yourself. Depression is tough and even with meds the sadness can still seep in.

One thing I will say is do you really know who you are? I mean depression can so cloud your mind with all those chemicals inside being imbalanced that we can loose contact with who we are.

We are allowed to be happy and at times sad but if either become over the top then it can be a worry.

Also you say the med change was recent, well it will take time for your boy to get used to the medication and so it will be helping you in someways but your depression will still be there so you will have your doubts. Give your self time.

As to seeing your family, well that can be tough and if you are feeling mixed up like you seem to be all the tougher, but maybe it will be good to see them.