[somebodysomeday]

It is really scary to feel this way;
I have improved markedly.
I feel alert...even alive at times..
my motivation is great.
my head and thoughts are clear as crystal..
on the outside im even looking happy!
im working really well at my job...so im told anyway.. :-)
i have the get up and go to do things...
even end it...which frightens me..
im not going to today...this isn't a threat...
but i now understand why it is that some people suicide when they look like they are really starting to get better...because nobody knows...
that they still feel painfully depressed inside...
and that is how i feel...im in so much despair in the evenings and night
i have anxiety where i can't sleep and dream of being stabbed and abused...
i cry every night at what this %#@&#! depression has made me lose
i cry so hard...because i never meant to be such a horribe friend...
and it hurts so much,...i can't deny it any more..it really hurts bad..to know that im so bad that i could be dumped so coldly..that im not even worth looking at anymore...that my friendship could mean nothing..
that no one cares that i was sick and couldnt help it..that it wasnt me..
that i lost all my chances...
that i was left hight and dry...
without any explanation other than everything i said was %#@&#! and rubbish..

yet i can hide it now...
i guess that is a good thing...in terms of not losing everyone..
basically life is going well...
i have really loving friends who i wouldn't bother living without...
they really care about me and have helped me so much..
they have taught me how to be strong...and that i don't need anyone who would hurt me..
they tell me to trust in the universe and i do...
i know ill get better and im not a bad person..and wont let anyone tell me i am...
my job is somewhat stable..tho at times i hate being there...but its mostly when i have to face someone who hates me...which still stings inside...when they ignore me...(can they just not be civil..for the sake of work?...im not a piece of %#@&#!...or a lepar..)
i am happier than i was...
and im enjoying things more..
but im a failure..
i ruined things that were important to me because im horrible...
im ashamed of who i am...and long to be different...
im disgusted with myself...
i don't want to know me..
i don't want to be my friend...
why was it that i love more than im loved...
why did i get dumped so hard...because i cared and asked for help...
was i deluded the whole time?
im just having a bad night and need to cry
i know i've contradicted myself so many times..
but im sick of it all...
sometimes i wish i wasnt here...but i don't want to die....i just don't want to have depression anymore..
and im scared of people turning on me an being mean...
i can't handle it...
i don't know if i deserved it...i don't know if i deserve to hurt...
everyone says im not poison but why do i feel that way,..
if im not poison why did i poison friendships...
is depression poison..or was it me..who i am...and my personality..
oh well..such is life...
and i have friends that adore me..but it doesnt take away the hurt of being hated...

[Christina86]

((((((((((((somebodysomeday))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. If you're in a crisis, please talk to someone IRL but I'll try to help you now if I can, even if it's just saying ... I do understand a lot of the feelings you've expressed here. Each one of them isn't necessarily the most positive, but they aren't bad.

Depression tells us lies. It hurts us, and it can hurt those around us. But it isn't your fault, you're not deliberately going out of your way to hurt anyone... it just happens like that. Some people won't understand, and some people just can't.

I don't think you're a horrible friend, any more that I think you're a horrible person. You aren't, from what I've seen here you're a good hearted individual.

I'm glad you've got good friends who are willing to help, that's the mark of a true friend... the kind of person who you're not always the nicest to, but that they stick around.

You are not a failure, and you are not horrible... sometimes we get so caught up in the lies we're told, and in our cognitive distortions that we can't see the truth.

Who dumped you and who hates you? Unless they have a really good reason for doing so - that's THEIR issues, not yours. What other people do (good or bad) doesn't make you good or bad. It's like looking through a lens at someone else... our views are distorted more than the person who is actually living the life we're observing. (Hope that makes sense).

You do not deserve to be hurt, nobody does. Getting hurt happens, and it isn't fun but you really don't deserve it.

Depression is hard to beat when we're having a rough time.... I hope the clouds clear up soon and you're feeling better.

I don't remember if you've ever said you've got a therapist or are on meds... but if you aren't, might I suggest finding someone to talk to? That can sometimes make all the difference in the world.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((somebody))))))))))))))))))
yes i do understand feeling better on the outside and appearing better, and still hurting on the inside. please take care of yourself. keep looking for solutions.
hugs, kiya

[somebodysomeday]

thankyou for your kind words...
i lost some friends when i was at my worst and i was only starting to learn i was depressed and sick as i just couldnt work out why i felt like i was losing my mind...now that im coming out of it and slowly getting better im seeing what i've lost because i got sick...and it was all my fault because i wasn't myself and behaved in a way that i was terrified everyone was going to leave me if i turned my back...so i was clingy in really unhealthy ways..but i guess my fears came true becuase i did end up abandoned....One friend who i was especially close to...just turned around one day and told me we are no longer friends...and it ripped my heart in two...it hurt so bad because i had no idea it was coming..im ok with it now...and don't want the friendship back anymore but it stil kills me that i must have been so awful that everything was just wothless and none of the good stuff we shared even mattered anymore. whenever i think about it i cry..im crying now coz i don't really understand what i did so wrong and how i was such a bad friend...coz all i felt was that i would do anything for my friends...i was in desparate need..that's true..but i was sick and scared..and alone in it..i don't have many friends...im so lucky im left with three best friends..but i enjoyed the friendhsip i have lost...and im sad...basically im just sad. im on meds...im on lexapro and serequel and a range of other stuff,,,i see a p doctor every two weeks and my doctor alternate weeks and a therapist weekly for childhood s abuse....its pretty full on but i did turn up there wanting help because i wanted and had planned out my way of ending it and was close to ending it when i realized i was such a horrible person to know....but ive come a long way and i was able to see my three best friennds who are there for me no matter what..and i know deep down im not a bad person...i just don't know why im such a useless friend....all i want is to be a good friebd and to not have hurt my frineds..or drain them or whatever i did..anyway...thats the story..i tend to crap on a bit..so sorry if you got bored..

[Pseudonym]

For what it's worth, I don't think there are horrible people, or horrible friends. We all have our own struggles to deal with, and it just shapes us differently. You seem like a very kind and loving person with a big load on her shoulders. Most friends come and go, and that's natural. You have to be friends with yourself first and foremost. That doesn't mean you have to be lonely while you do it, just take a deep breath and recognize that you must be your own best friend.

On another note, I'm on lexapro too. I'm not sure it's doing squat, but I'd be interested to hear your feelings on how your meds are working.

Take care, ss. *hug*

[LBear1947]

I am bothered by the fact that you blame yourself for being sick. Yes you may have acted in ways that others don't understand and are uncomfortable with but that is the illness not a choice. If a friend disconnects because they are unable to understand or deal with it then what kind of friend are they? The illness you have just IS WHAT IT IS. You are in treament and that is all you can do. To take blame for it is wrong. You did not choose it to live with. If it affect your behavior at times so be it. A real friend wants to understand and knows how to stand by. Example: when I am manic I tell my friends and also not to answer their phone if I call. If it is urgent I can leave a message. At some point I just can't stop talking. I educate them as to what I am like. Yes I have also been rejected a few times or dumped. I just tell myself it's not about me but their attitude. Hope this helps.

its interesting you say you are coming to understand what was going on.. you may be in regards to understanding your depression and being depressed but im not so sure about how u understand what went on for these 'evil' friends that left u abandoned u as u put it and perhaps mostly its because they no longer speak to you 'they ignore u like ur a leper' but think about it a lil what was it you were doing and what about them how did they feel its hard for our supports and depression knows no respect for others preferences or abilities and tolerances.. this can be read into that its not anyones fault no one is specifically to blame .. the mix was just wrong.. wrong time for the ppl involved wrong ways to sort things out wrong ways to deal with it.. but how are we to truly know these things.. most things reveal truth when its far to late to change anyway..
im sure there were better ways around it but maybe it was never going to work out.
its sad for everyone when a friendship ends
by the sounds of it its never going to be got back and so maybe talk this through in your therapy sessions in order for you to move on and get healthy and find other reasons to be alive
luck to you..

[stefano]

I suppore it has been said already that depression is a disease that makes you confused and makes you feel like cxap. And that is not your fault.

I said it again because it can never be repeated too much.

But also, depression makes you a horrible friend. A person with depression is unpleasant because he/she is depressive. If you care, it is frustrating because you can't make him/her feel better.
One can only overcome and tolerate this situation if he/she understands how depression works, and if he/she loves you. At this point it is clear how DISADVANTAGED a depressed person is in being appreciated. The fact that you do have friends (and they must be true friends!) demonstrates that you are a particularly GOOD friend

The best of luck

[Fuzzybear]

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Christina86 said:
((((((((((((somebodysomeday))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. If you're in a crisis, please talk to someone IRL but I'll try to help you now if I can, even if it's just saying ... I do understand a lot of the feelings you've expressed here. Each one of them isn't necessarily the most positive, but they aren't bad.

Depression tells us lies. It hurts us, and it can hurt those around us. But it isn't your fault, you're not deliberately going out of your way to hurt anyone... it just happens like that. Some people won't understand, and some people just can't.

I don't think you're a horrible friend, any more that I think you're a horrible person. You aren't, from what I've seen here you're a good hearted individual.

I'm glad you've got good friends who are willing to help, that's the mark of a true friend... the kind of person who you're not always the nicest to, but that they stick around.

You are not a failure, and you are not horrible... sometimes we get so caught up in the lies we're told, and in our cognitive distortions that we can't see the truth.

Who dumped you and who hates you? Unless they have a really good reason for doing so - that's THEIR issues, not yours. What other people do (good or bad) doesn't make you good or bad. It's like looking through a lens at someone else... our views are distorted more than the person who is actually living the life we're observing. (Hope that makes sense).

You do not deserve to be hurt, nobody does. Getting hurt happens, and it isn't fun but you really don't deserve it.

Depression is hard to beat when we're having a rough time.... I hope the clouds clear up soon and you're feeling better.

I don't remember if you've ever said you've got a therapist or are on meds... but if you aren't, might I suggest finding someone to talk to? That can sometimes make all the difference in the world.

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somebodysomeday