[mormo]

Two days ago I tried to kill myself. I'm not stating this for sympathy or attention, because the truth is that two days ago, I came closer than I care to mention. The funny thing is, that coming out of the other side of it, I've found a rush of life that's made me everything from contemplative to horny, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that what I did and more importantly what I did is not and never will be a way out; it's confirmed in me that there's something there waiting for me when it is my time, but that's the thing - it wasn't my time, and it wasn't my place. I'm meant to go in a dignified way with people around me that genuinely love and care for me, and when I started that journey, I never would have dreamed that the possibility of being loved or cared for would be possible.

I've been fighting with depression for most of my life now; I've been fighting long and hard to pick myself up time and time again, and I'm not over-exaggerating when I state that there is more in my life than anyone, anywhere, no matter who should have to deal with; I've let it destroy my innocence, I've let it consume me in the form of undirected hatred, and until recently I thought I'd had it under control with the policy of not practicing violence and trying to be on good terms with everyone, and the thing as, with as many good things that have been happening in my life of late, I've let myself notice the bad, and let the bad mount on top of me until the moment culminated in one act, one selfish act that probably could have been avoided if I'd just reached out to the right person, at the right time.

You see, that's the thing. And this is what I'm hoping people will walk away from here; depression can be survived and overcome; whether through willpower, or the right medication, or simply having someone to pick the phone up to and allow them to calm me down just by telling me that it was going to be ok; depression doesn't have to be lonely, and depression can be fought and won against, and despite this latest setback, I'm winning - I can feel it, because despite those low moments, I know there's so much more worth living for.

I'm sorry if any of this comes across as preachy, but I needed to clear the air; I needed the people who read this site to know that I am, and will continue to be ok, and that I'll try to be stronger, and that I intend to be around for a long time to come...I just stumble sometimes, and it's then that I need to be forgiven for my flaws and sins.

The outset of the past couple of days now, is that I'm back to seeing a psychiatrist..psychologist...I forget which, I get confused, and that my dosage of medication has been increased a little again to level my moods out; anything I could harm myself has been removed, and the people who really care about me have rallied around, and they seem intent to make sure that I'm ok when I go to sleep at night.

Like I said, I don't know why I'm writing this, but I think I just needed to get what I'd done and where I am out there so I could read it back in my head.

[lenjan]

I'm sorry it had to come to that for you to see that it's not all hopeless, but glad you're still with us. I wish you peace and continued healing.

Candy

[Clandestine]

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mormo said:
...and the thing as, with as many good things that have been happening in my life of late, I've let myself notice the bad, and let the bad mount on top of me until the moment culminated in one act, one selfish act that probably could have been avoided if I'd just reached out to the right person, at the right time.

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I totally agree. I've been fighting depression as well for several months now, and I know it's really a struggle. It's also a battle of the mind really, it tests you how strong you are to think you're OKAY and that things will be OKAY. But then, there's the low points and you're also human and weak. ;[

I'm glad mormo that you're a strong person. And this piece of article you shared is really helpful. I hope people across PC who's currrently suffering from depression get to read this as well. Hope you're getting better ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

[mormo]

I'm getting there. The best way I can equate it (at least for me) is that a depressive state is like a mountain; you start at the bottom, where everything seems so impossible and you move up step by step and fight to keep going - and it is a fight, depression isn't easy for anyone. The fact is that people slip, just as I did but you have to keep going, and you have to keep fighting. You just lose sight of your goal sometimes, you know?

[pachyderm]

[Fuzzybear]

[bkim]

Mormo;

I am sorry that you felt like you had no other way out. I also tried to commit suicide: on mothers day. I wish I came out of it knowing how much I have to live for. I am seeing a therapist now and they have put me on meds. Not sure if the meds are working yet...but talking to my therapist helps some.

I hope that you can continue with you positive outlook and reaching out to people that can help you.

-Kim

[DOWNINNATICK]

I know how you felt, I've been there many time myself, but my husband helps me out a little. I'm now going to group with other people who are going through the same thing. But please don't ever hurt yourself and seek help when you get that way again, people care about you and need you around for a very long time. Go do something special for yourself and try to enjoy it.

http://www.spiritisup.com/youcan.html

[nightbird]

[Clandestine]

Yeah! ;] And I really like your outlook. This thread just slapped me in the face. I needed that slapping, so thanks mormo ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>