A note about why we're here...

People come to a community like ours for numerous reasons, probably too many to really list here. But the main reason is that people come to a place like this looking to get support for an issue in their lives.

What that means varies considerably from person to person. "Getting support" could just mean they're looking for advice or guidance about something going on in their lives. For others it may mean getting an answer to a specific question. Still for others, it may mean something else.

One of the things I think that most of us believe, however, is that we come here looking for that support in order to feel better. That may mean us changing something about ourselves or in our lives in order to feel better. But I suspect for many, change is a much more difficult issue to face in and of itself and many come to a place like this not necessarily to change. That can be frustrating to some of us. We see someone engaging in what we view as clearly unhealthy behavior and don't understand why that person doesn't want to or seems incapable of change.

I'm writing to ask that we take a step back and remember that a part of not dealing with change is often tied directly into one's issue. That not everyone can see the things we see, nor is everyone ready to change even if they say they are. It will be frustrating, I agree, but it's also just the way things are. I can't ask people to only post about very specific things, or become a member only if they are willing to change today. I have to be patient and trust that when somebody is ready to change, they will see it is time for themselves. I can't rush that process along, or "force" people to see things my way.

I write all of this to ask that if you're frustrated with any particular member within our community, you either cut them some slack and let them be, or put them on ignore. I know that's not an answer that sits well with everyone here, but it's the only tool we have available when we don't want to see or engage with another member of the community here.

Best,
DocJohn

PS - Please note that I mentioned no specific member, nor any specific incident in writing this post. That's on purpose. This isn't about any particular member or any particular issue, nor do I want it to become a thread about such.

Thank you, Doc John, for creating such a place. I have DID and am a new member and have found such WONDERFUL support from all my new friends. Some offer helpful suggestions. Mostly, people just send hugs and then I know that I am safe and that someone knows that I am hurting. Sometimes, that's all we want - acknowledgement, not advise. Thank you for giving me such a place. I was all alone before. Now I'm not.
Anne

Thanks for the reminder, Doc John!

Thank you, Docjohn. It's something to keep in mind always...

We have good tools here available to us to keep ourselves emotionally safe and our experience what we're hoping for...as much as possible, I think.

I feel so blessed for PC, and its members. There's not a day that I can't come here and find support in some form...either by just reading/sharing or flat out asking for support. It's taught, and helped, me so much.

KD

You're the best.

em

Thanks for the wise and useful words, Doc John!

gg

I so agree!!! Give grace, and you'll get grace.

Yes I think it would be helpful if we could ALL remember why we are here and not pretend things are wrong when all thats wanted is attention. Its wearing me down and makes me wonder just what really is going on.

and thank you for the reminder, and thank you for this site.

Sometimes, ignoring and/or not responding to posts which are triggering or frustrating are ways to protect ourselves.

Thank you Doc

I know you did not point fingers. I admit I am a person here that a select few do not like seeing and reading posts from and are upset because I am still here.

I have refused to change my posting stlye and my information because other people have told me that I am doing just fine. My not changing and my posting the information that I do makes those that don't like it upset. I understand that.

In life you cant please everyone.. The basic D*mn*d if you do d*mn*d if you don't situation.

Support groups are not popularity contests in real life and because it is real people not clones that are behind the computers, no one on line can please everyone.

I don't post what I do to upset those few that don't like my posting style and information,

I post it for those that are ready for it and are asking me questions about it. I also post because the things I have done and am doing and this information that I share has helped me to jump years ahead of where I was and up and through to the other side of those problems.

I have learned that dispite the few that don't like my posting style and information, and want me gone, there are many more people happy with my posting style and are looking for this exact information and are at the stage where it can help them too jump years ahead of the problems they are having with DID. (my blog jumps by the hundreds a week just from this site alone, not counting the google searches.)

Like I keep saying to those few, and you have just pointed out - There is a way not to read posts if they are upsetting you. Alot of people are afraid to use this option because they are afraid of what the other person that they don't like will think. When people use tht option no one knows you are using it unless you tell them. And if someone you don't like does find out you are using that option it doesn't matter. Why worry about what someone you don't like is thinking? That's thier problem.

The same goes for private messaging. People pm other people AFTER they have read the boards. If you don't like the posting style and information that a person posts on the boards then you are not going to like the way that person answers the pms that they recieve from you.

I am the same way by pm as I am on the boards. The information you recieve by pm is the same information that you see on the boards and in my blog, maybe with more details but it is the same posting style and type of information.

I have found that certain people knowing they don't like the public posts they read, pm the person thanking them for the public post and asking questions about it, but then when they recieve the same by pm they get upset. Instead of telling the person they are upset they post against that person on the boards and by pm to others. Basically needlessly pulling other people into a problem that wouldnt have existed if they hadn't pm'ed someone they didn't like the post of on the boards.

You can save yourself alot of problems by - if you don't like what you see publically then you are not going to like by pming the person and don't pm that person.

I have also recieved pms asking what a person can do about another person here.. I always tell them Take it up with them not me. This has saved me a few times fron being pulled into a battle. I don't consider those that ask me to fight or get into those type of battles friends. They are being inconsiderate and imature. We are adults and teens dealing with adult issues of abuse. Asking someone what to do about someone else here only leads to causing your friend pain and you end up losing the friend because of that pain.

Not to mention that friend you are asking to help you with someone else here may be a friend of the person you are having a problem with and complaining about.

Forcing someone to choose sides results in both sides losing that friend.

The same option for not reading the public boards is available for pms. Replying to pms that you don't like or are having a problem with only gets you another pm you are not going to like from that person.

If you don't want to work out that problem with the person you are upset with: Don't pull others into the fight -

the solution is simple - don't pm them and don't reply to their pm's.

Use the same option available for not reading the posts you don't like for your pms. This will save you alot of needless pain and save your other friendships here in the process.

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allthegirls6 said:
Yes I think it would be helpful if we could ALL remember why we are here and not pretend things are wrong when all thats wanted is attention. Its wearing me down and makes me wonder just what really is going on.

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I agree ...and I think it would be sad if EVERYONE put someone on ignore....but it could happen...I can see it happen.

gotcha

JUST WANTED TO BUMP THIS UP