Exhausted

What a taxing day. Went to classes for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks... I don't know how I'm going to catch up... I think it's possible, but I feel so drained. But school is my only option right now, working would be just as draining, and doing nothing is a sure way to crash and burn. This way I don't lose money or have to start paying bills, and who knows if I could find a job, anyway. But it's still so much to handle. Finally moved my stuff out of the dorm tonight, and after today I actually don't want to go to classes tomorrow - that's the first time ever... I love classes. But today was so hard, and I had to fight off the ever familiar suicide thoughts so much. It's pretty exhausting trying to be an optimistic pessimist.

((((((((((((((((Tao)))))))))))))))

Hi Tao.
Sorry that you're feeling so tired, but remember that depression does that, and you're only just starting to recover. Maybe you could copy up notes from one of your classmates, and if there are any assignments due soon, see if you can wrangle extensions since you've been ill.

(((Tao))))
Hoping that today is better then yesterday.

Jessica

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tao)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks.
Today went better, it was a beautiful day(yesterday was grey, dark, chilly, windy, and rainy - very depressing), and I went to a sculpture/art/garden park and enjoyed myself for 3 hours in the name of a school project. It was very refreshing. And I've met with all my professors, they're very understanding and accomodating; 3/5 have some level of a personal understanding of depression, and the other two seem to "get it," too - at least they're not calling it a spiritual/personal problem and telling me to get over it as another professor I could have had would. Thank God. Not that I'd take that crap, I'd go to the administration, but who needs that kind of mess. I'm blessed to have the professors I have, and the people in the administration working with me as they are.

So I'm generally up, but still feel pretty weighted. I'm very fearful for my medicine - I'm on the new Cymbalta and it's working well, but my insurance doesn't cover it yet. My doctor can get it approved for the lower dose, but when he tried to take me back to that amount I crashed horribly resulting in suicidal ideation, a mess, and eventually an attempt. So I need it at 120mg/day, but that's not covered. And it's expensive.
So I'm afraid I'll have to try more meds, but I don't think I can be stable enough through that, I'd likely need to be in the hospital for it, and I can't afford to miss any more school.
Urgh.