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#1
Jun 24, 2008, 11:25 PM
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***TRIGGER****
I'm so alone. In this world full of people, I've never felt so alone. I chat with my close friends everyday, yet it seems like when all else fails, I feel they can't be there when I need them. They always tell me, "I'm here," but I know they'll not be there when that time comes. I have few close friends. Oh well. I want a bestfriend, like that person whom you can call in the middle of the night and just vent on? And he/she will just be like a pillow and absorb you. But I'm afraid. My dilemma is, I don't want to be close to anyone now 'cause it's hard to lose people you treasure most. I'm having those dreams again. GRRR. I hate having to wake up shaking... and helpless. In my dreams, I feel like it's happening again. That forceful thrust, that push in the head to suck his %#@&#!. WTF. It's sooooooo.... idk. And you know what's the sad thing? I have to effing pretend that I'M OKAY. That nothing is going on. ;[ Why does someone have to die?! Fk that. Why does Kenneth have to die?! I hate my father's intrusion into my private life. He should've left me alone. If he doesn't want me and my exbf to be together, then that's it. Why does he have to call him up?!!# It only lead to a car accident and his brother dying.. It's been 5 months since it happened. I still feel guilty about someone dying. AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY FAULT. Why do I have to suffer his ******* consequences?! That cheater. And one thing, my mother is so ******* of an idiot to let my father back in her life. He cheated on you mom, countless times. He had a son. Wtf are you on about?! He got married, wtf. Woooo. Fixed marriages suck!! My exbf got married Wednesday last week and moved to London. Wow. I hope they divorce after 6 months. You know, I hate the society. Why do rich people have to marry rich ones too????? I didn't love him for his money. I can live with a simple life. Why do some people have to do this... it's so unfair. He's 25 FFS. Oh well. I guess nothing is free anymore, even love. I don't believe in love anymore. It's either you'll just be hurt/abused, or he'll be taken away from you. ;[ Now the only guy who isn't perverted enough to abuse me is gone. I'm losing motivation. I have placed myself in a 3-month isolation from reality back in February - April 2008. I drifted from my friends, refused to talk to anyone, and just locked myself in the room and busied myself with being online. I figured, maybe if I'm another identity that no one knows, I could be happy. But no. My friend whom I treat as my older brother told me, I should go on and live... 'cause I have every reason to. I can't understand that. Sometimes, I wanna give up. I don't want to wake up anymore. I have the pills there... I can choose not to wake up. But I still try and live, even if I don't see the point. I'm so helpless and frustrated. ARGGGGH. Sorry, I haven't vented out in so long. Not even to a friend... so I'm really sorry. ;[ I just need to let this out. You don't even have to reply... thanks for reading. I have a class in roughly an hour. OH WELL. I don't think I should go to my University... *pushes self to the door* Go to school, gdi. <font color="purple">Clandestine</font> |
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#2
Jun 25, 2008, 08:14 AM
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__________________
Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#3
Jun 25, 2008, 10:30 AM
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((( Clandestine )))
 I'm sorry you've got so much going on right now, it sounds so tough. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Wish I had advice but I suck with advice. Keep holding on. Things do get better. Take care. 
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#4
Jun 25, 2008, 03:03 PM
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(((Clandenstine)))
I'm sorry that you're in such a bad place right now, and have had to go through a lot. I know it probably doesn't feel this way right now, but please hold on, because life does have the potential to get better. Work towards that. --splitimage
__________________
 "I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn. "If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba 
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#5
Jun 25, 2008, 05:54 PM
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(((((((((((((( Clandestine ))))))))))))))
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#6
Jun 25, 2008, 05:58 PM
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(((((Clandenstine))))) I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with right now.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children. |
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#7
Jun 25, 2008, 05:59 PM
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#8
Jun 25, 2008, 06:13 PM
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Clandestine vent all you want. that is what PC is for and you have my support anytime..pj56.....xxoo hope you feel better soon...
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#9
Jun 25, 2008, 08:59 PM
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http://www.2000greetings.com/mycard.htm?c=1870
Vent here all you want, we are here for you and don't think your alone your not, and you will find someone that will not hurt you. Please vent here or seek help from someone. I attached a card for you in hopes to cheer you up.
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Today I am going to spend more time looking for all the positive things about myself. Today I recongnize myself and acknowledge myself as a terrific human being. by of: Time for Joy by Ruth Fishel Cindy 
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#10
Jun 25, 2008, 09:20 PM
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(((((Clandestine))))))
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. Please keep venting if you need to. It's not good to keep such powerful and ooverwhelming emotions bottled up inside. I hope the sun breaks through the clouds for you soon. Take care of yourself, J
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"One by one, as they march, our comrades vanish from our sight, seized by the silent orders of omnipotent death. Very brief is the time in which we can help them, in which their happiness or misery is decided. Be it ours to shed sunshine on their path, to lighten their sorrows by the balm of sympathy, to give them the pure joy of a never-tiring affection, to stregthen failing courage, to instill faith in hours of despair." -Bertrand Russell With love and hope, <~/J\~> |
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#11
Jun 25, 2008, 09:22 PM
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((((((((((((Clandestine)))))))))))))
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#12
Jun 26, 2008, 12:50 AM
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Thank you everyone for taking your time to drop me a line. Down, thanks for the card. Those are really uplifting words. ;]
I haven't gone to my University this week. *sigh* It's all coming back again, that fear of facing people I know. It's so weird... to everyone. Thanks again! It means a lot to me.<font color="purple">Clandestine</font> |
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#13
Jun 26, 2008, 01:36 AM
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Sorry to hear you're feeling so crappy. I wish I could take it away. Just remember I'm here for you if only in spirit. MM
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#14
Jun 27, 2008, 11:21 AM
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University is so much more difficult when dealing with numerous other problems/stresses. (I can relate)
(((((((((((Clandestine))))))))))))))
__________________
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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