[purplebutterfly]

Im in a shell of nothing but pain. Im so tired of this depression and anger and crying. Just feel like banging my head and fists into the wall and cutting. The urges are there and they are not going away, i spoke with my t this morning. I had an appt with him yesterday afternoon and i did go to it but all he did was right down the things that i say he really didnt do much other than tell me to find other ways to cope instead of cutting- thats not really what a cutter of 20 years can just stop like that. who cares anyway what i do, its evident he doesnt care then again maybe he does but maybe im just a freaking weird *** case - which yea it seems like nothing helps my depression and i just make my depressed as people say so who %#@&#! cares, i really dont..sorry for my ranting im just really upset that i can not get out of this loom of depression. all i want to do is just disappear not like anyone will really notice- so maybe i will just disappear. im not eating hardly at all im that depressed i dont want to get out of bed to come to work, it takes me like 1hr to just get in the shower each morning. life in general is just too much at times- no thats not a threat of killing myself- im not to that point and ive told my t about my thoughts and feelings and he just nods his head like im just another number in his %#@&#! book of mental cases- my moods are so drastic today i go from being depressed to bawling my eyes out- this started with me being angry and depressed to now im in tears and im hurting so bad- why me why do i have to deal with all this pain- why me what did i do to deserve this pain maybe i did really deserve this maybe they were right i deserved everything that was done to me and everything that i do to myself- i hate myself for being like this why why why im sorry for taking everyones time reading this im just venting i have so much i want to say but im just not strong enough anymore.

[darkrunner]

((((((((purplebutterfly)))))))))
I'm sorry everything is a struggle for you right now. I know my words won't make you feel better.....you do not deserve this or anything bad.....hang in there....it's ok to vent especially if it helps you.....



kt

[silver_moon]

you are not to blame for the depression, and you don't deserve it noone deserves this agonising pain and life is cruel... very cruel
((((((((((((((((((((((((purplebutterfly))))))))))))))))))))))))
the pain is hard but there'll be good days again, your in my thoughts

Molly

[pegasus]

Well, this is the most I have ever seen you write, so good on you for that!

I don't know what to say about the cutting, your T is right though, you have got to gradually substitute something else in it's place.

((((((((((((( purplebutterfly )))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( purple )))))))))))))))

[mlpHolmes]

{{{PURPLEBUTTERFLY}}}
So sorry you are feeling badly. I can understand & relate to your pain & story very well (also cutter over 20 yrs.) First thing Dr. does for me - change or increase/decrease my meds. Then I can work on my issues.

Take special care of yourself. You are important.

Much Love,
Holmes

[purplebutterfly]

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((purplebutterfly)))))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
purplebutterfly said:
i spoke with my t this morning. I had an appt with him yesterday afternoon and i did go to it but all he did was right down the things that i say he really didnt do much other than tell me to find other ways to cope instead of cutting-

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is therapy! Reading this makes me upset. Your therapist should be helping you understand what is going on with you, why you want to SI, etc. Have you considered getting a different therapist?

[purplebutterfly]

yes, but kinda stuck with this one right now for insurance purposes- its just me its not him he is good - im just not a good person, and i think he is getting tired of me. im tired of me it doesnt matter

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
purplebutterfly said:
kinda stuck with this one right now for insurance purposes

- its just me its not him he is good - im just not a good person

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Purple this is what abused children end up thinking. The parent mistreats them and the child continues to idealize the parent and then blames themselves for the abuse. They cannot think that parent is wrong so they believe that they are bad.

You are not getting what you need from this therapist and it's not because you are bad.

If you are stuck with this therapist can you at least tell him what you need and that you are not getting it right now from him?

Are you sure that you have no other therapist options?

[purplebutterfly]

yea no other options right now, maybe in a few months - he was good in the beginning but he seemed to not be good afterward- i will talk to him tomorrow when i go see him- he does alot of that hypnotherapy which i hate, i hate therapy in general- anyway its not worth it

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
purplebutterfly said:
i will talk to him tomorrow when i go see him-

i hate therapy in general- anyway its not worth it

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That would be great if you would talk to him about it!

You hate therapy and it's not worth it - do you think this might have anything to do with the results that you are getting?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( purple ))))))))))))))
sending you support and care

[purplebutterfly]

Thanks Fuzzy! Not sure what to say anymore- all i can do is cry today- and its not even helping - too many things are going on in my head

[mlpHolmes]

Hi purple butterfly~
When life gets v. difficult for me I live by the concept that has helped millions. Please go under "Depresssion Forum", to "Top Depression Resources" click on this, scroll down to "Just for Today" print this out some ppl have added ideas.
I live & do this list & it lifts me as gets me through the tough times. I hope & pray it will for you also.

Take good care of yourself,
Holmes

[kebsfroggy]

This frog of little brain knows so little about SI that can come with depression. I must be next to impossible to survive at times.

Thank you for taking the time to write, telling us about how things are going for you. Venting is good. Those of us here with you most definitely understand venting.



((((( purplebutterfly )))))

[nowheretorun]

(((purple)))))) sending you kind and caring thoughts.. please have hope and dont give up... i truly care about the pain you feel and really am hoping to see happier times for you ... its so hard some days i know... you dont deserve any of the pain... it wants to leave you and you want to let it go...