thru blurred vision

(I didnt know where to put this) Im trying to type looking thru tear filled eyes. Im mourning the loss of someone and its not what you think. Im mourning my loss. Im dead inside I don't know where my emotions went. I don't know where my happiness went. My joy and enthusiasm for life. Love. I don't know where they went. I guess making my way thru life I must have left them somewhere on a shelf and forgot to pick them up. And now they are collecting dust I miss them. I need them. I feel empty and lonely. It's 12:15am. Im scared I won't ever get them back...if I never had them in the first place...that's how long it's been. Some days im fine. I was fine earlier and I got scared. What if I can't find them, what if they are lost forever? Then what? But maybe I can't get back what I never had, right?I can't realloy see the screen right now so sorry for all the typos.... I didnt really know what category to put this in and this is NOT a suicide post. I could never do that do myself...to my sister. I live for my twin sister, she's my BEST friend in this entire world. I dont know where'd I'd be if i didnt have her... she's my sanity. I love her to pieces. I have my first T appointment on the 21st. I was in denial about going ealrier today cuz I felt fine, then I got scared, hence the reason I am writing this post (sorry for the rambling). I Jsut want to be grateful to wake up like normal people; instead I find myself either not caring if I live or die or wishing to die(since I can't do it myself). Im twenty five years old, why am i like this?? I look at my friends and wonder why i just cant be like them. I wish I had gone to the liquor store like I had planned before they closed....they aren't open on sundays...

Sorry...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((lifelesstraveled))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry for all your pain. Sometimes depression makes us lose sight of our emotions such as joy and love. They are still there but masked by the depression we feel. They are not lost. I hope you see your t as they can help you work through how you are feeling and your healling. Liquor is not the answer to your pain, that I am sure of. Please accept the support that is available.

BB

(((((((((( lifelesstraveled )))))))))))) I also mourn for myself from time to time, I hope that things get better for you soon just know that you are not alone.