Emotions

purplebutterfly · Oct 27, 2008, 07:55 AM

My emotions are all over the place- im crying, im numb, im angry, all at the same time or one minute im crying the next im numb- what is going on- too many emotions for one hour i can not handle it- im on top of the world for one minute then im off to the deepest depression the next- **** i hate ****ing bipolar- i hate it- when can this demon release me- im so ****ing depressed right i just want to cover my head with my comforter and cry myself to sleep- im not sleeping well or eating- ive actually lost weight- yea its a good thing cuz im a fat *** but not losing in the healthy way- maybe im just falling apart having a breakdown- its coming very fast and i know it not going to be pretty, the rage the tears the depression the cutting the trying to get my life back together somewhat- ERGGGGG!!! i just want to scream right now and no place to do it! Im in tears right now, what do i do now?

Im always coming here for help and for a shoulder to cry on, im pathetic im a loser im not worth anyones concern - basically im not dealing with life right now- its to hard to deal with i just want to give up and just walk away from my body and my emotions - does this make any sense - NO im sure it doesnt because i ****ing suck - im useless im just talking and no one is listening - made appt to see a new therapist - scared to go but i have to - i really need to be on meds - i take them for several weeks then decide im better in my ****ing mind that im cured or better and go off of them or go off of them because i no longer want to be tied down to taking meds- ERGGGG------im not a good person - make it go away! what did i do to deserve this disease!!

silver_moon · Oct 27, 2008, 08:13 AM

oh purple hunny ((((((((((purple)))))))
I'M LISTENING! I HEAR YOU!

You did NOTHING to deserve to feel this way and you are a good person.
I do hope you find the courage to keep the appointment with your new therapist, say to yourself that you can do it (even if you think you can't), say it over and over again... I know you can.
Please consider going back on meds again... I know it's not ideal and you don't want to be on them (I haven't started taking mine yet 'cause I'm petrified and just DON'T want to be on meds... but I'm gonna have to 'cause I'm a mess)... we can do it together, eh? Just consider it, I know things are tough for you right now, just want you to feel better even if it's just a little bit.

Stay safe purple

Take care,
Molly

cantstopcrying · Oct 27, 2008, 08:16 AM

STOP IT!

(Sorry, but I had to use my stern voice to make you see) YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS, you are none of the stuff you said. You need to see your new t, stay on your meds and stop worrying about coming here for support. I believe that's why this place was created. You think you don't give back but you do...you do so very much! Please please throw out that negative tape that is playing over and over. The pain is unbelievable for you right now, but stay with us, we can all heal. Some faster, some slower. It means nothing how fast it happens. Some run, some crawl, some stumble and some don't. You have a positive place to go--go there, read the things people have left for you and BELIEVE THEM. Read them all day every day if you have to. Cut them out and put them under your pillow. Paste them on your steering wheel. Giving up and walking away from your body, from the pain, from your life does not sound stupid, it sounds like you are in pain and want it to stop. Please, Mel, go to your new t, open up, let yourself receive the help that is being offered because YOU DESERVE IT

purplebutterfly · Oct 27, 2008, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

oh purple hunny ((((((((((purple)))))))
I'M LISTENING! I HEAR YOU!

You did NOTHING to deserve to feel this way and you are a good person.
I do hope you find the courage to keep the appointment with your new therapist, say to yourself that you can do it (even if you think you can't), say it over and over again... I know you can.
Please consider going back on meds again... I know it's not ideal and you don't want to be on them (I haven't started taking mine yet 'cause I'm petrified and just DON'T want to be on meds... but I'm gonna have to 'cause I'm a mess)... we can do it together, eh? Just consider it, I know things are tough for you right now, just want you to feel better even if it's just a little bit.

Stay safe purple

Take care,
Molly

Thanks Molly,
its just so damn hard - i cant seem to get my head above water i feel like im drowning most days- i cant breathe! trying to avoid bad thoughts but they come too fast!

nowheretorun · Oct 27, 2008, 08:19 AM

(((purple))))))

we are all trying so hard to be heard.. we care and you matter... your friends care very much for you here and we hope you can start feeling better sooner rather than later..

its gone on long enough hasnt it? please go see the doc and take care of you hon..

sending love and care...

purplebutterfly · Oct 27, 2008, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

STOP IT!

(Sorry, but I had to use my stern voice to make you see) YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS, you are none of the stuff you said. You need to see your new t, stay on your meds and stop worrying about coming here for support. I believe that's why this place was created. You think you don't give back but you do...you do so very much! Please please throw out that negative tape that is playing over and over. The pain is unbelievable for you right now, but stay with us, we can all heal. Some faster, some slower. It means nothing how fast it happens. Some run, some crawl, some stumble and some don't. You have a positive place to go--go there, read the things people have left for you and BELIEVE THEM. Read them all day every day if you have to. Cut them out and put them under your pillow. Paste them on your steering wheel. Giving up and walking away from your body, from the pain, from your life does not sound stupid, it sounds like you are in pain and want it to stop. Please, Mel, go to your new t, open up, let yourself receive the help that is being offered because YOU DESERVE IT

Thanks !! i will try to work on believing those things, its just hard!

silver_moon · Oct 27, 2008, 08:36 AM

Depression and bipolar DOES make it hard for us to believe in ourselves, to believe good things can happen... but they ca, they do and they will.
I also understand that it's hard to not listen to the bad thoughts... NOONE is expecting you to switch off to them and that will be that, it takes time... and through that time, we're here to listen and to offer a shoulder and hugs (and no feeling guilty missus 'cause you deserve it...)

purplebutterfly · Oct 27, 2008, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

(((purple))))))

we are all trying so hard to be heard.. we care and you matter... your friends care very much for you here and we hope you can start feeling better sooner rather than later..

its gone on long enough hasnt it? please go see the doc and take care of you hon..

sending love and care...

Thanks nowheretorun,

I know everyone here cares im just in a downward spiral now for awhile and have no self esteem, i need to work on it, i know i do but times like this i just feel like im drowning and cant breathe and just want to lye in bed all day and just cry i wish it would all go away!

silver_moon · Oct 27, 2008, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by purplebutterfly

... but times like this i just feel like im drowning and cant breathe and just want to lye in bed all day and just cry i wish it would all go away!

...at times like these... TALK to someone (doesn't have to be about how you're feeling), talk to whoever, someone IRL you feel comfortable with, your T, or on here... or try and do something distracting (that's hard when you feel this low I know)

I wish it would all go away for you too, but staying in bed will only make you feel worse (and you know that too?)

pegasus · Oct 27, 2008, 08:44 AM

(((((((( purplebutterfly ))))))))

I know you can't see it right now but you have made progress over the time you have been here. When you first joined you could barely post a sentence and couldn't put into words how you felt. Have a look through your posts and you will see what I mean.

I know it's yuck, I think you'll find that many of the negative feelings about yourself originally came from other people (an abuser maybe,) it's not you that deserves those type of descriptions. We here, all see a very hurt but caring person. Please be gentle with you.