[Capp]

There are times when I find it difficult to transfer into the written what is in my heart/soul.
This is one of those times. Perhaps if anyone reads this then you will keep it in mind.

usual claimer of jmo/jme

Sometimes I think we are so hard on ourselves--bit of an understatement! I'm as guilty of doing it as the next person...

Negative emotions used to make me feel even worse whenever I had them...almost like they fed on themselves until I felt worthless and stupid and on and on and on.

At some point, I realized this was a frightening and self destruction place to entrap myself.
Surprise to me! It was perfectly all right if I didn't feel good all the time, if I sometimes hated someone/life/etc.. I am not talking about the depression and sorrow that makes me convince myself to get out of bed to use the loo...
I'm talking about the times when, just for that moment, I dislike my life, my hair, the way I talk, or any number of things about someone else.
Guilt was my first reaction when I realized I had these So What Feelings...then that I was an ingrate for feeling that way.
After all, aren't I supposed to make every effort to feel good, feel stable, nearly numb myself to less than positive emotions?

I no longer expect that every waking moment is going to be just grand. What I do expect of myself is to follow most of the things in my safety net so they so not progress to free falling into the abyss.
It doesn't always work, either. I'll be tired/drained and feel entitled to feeling bad...nothing wrong with this as long as I don't stay in that mood.

Sometimes no matter what I do, I will feel crappy and weepy and snappish, and afraid. Nothing wrong with these feelings, either...it's what I do with them is the important thing.
The relative anonymity of the Internet allows us to share openly when we feel like we are two steps from hell.
IRL, I'm fortunate in having two close friends who help me when this occurs, and they know I'll do the same for them.

I don't want to be afraid of any feeling in my heart...I usually want to talk about it, learn, take the offered hugs, and know that I have been heard; that I am not invisible.
It's my desire that I will do this with others

Everyone of us has worked hard to get to a place of relative peace and some comfort. That hard work, I think, is part of the reason we are protective, but also part of the reason there may be fear in less than happy times.
We don't want to lose what we worked so hard to know...
That fear may also make us hold back just a tiny bit in enjoying the I--Feel-Good times...kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop? Don't feel too good because it's going to end?

Cap

[silver_moon]

(((((((Cap))))))

I want to say firstly that you are a very good writer,

There are times when I find it difficult to transfer into the written what is in my heart/soul.
This is one of those times. Perhaps if anyone reads this then you will keep it in mind.

I have difficulty writing how I feel and it never comes out like that.

I think it's ok to feel down sometimes, like you said... noone is going to feel great all the time, but I think for some people 'hoping' to be happy is a good thing... gives you something to push for/to aim for and helps you get out of the rut. Does that make sense? See... told you I'm hopeless at writing what I'm thinking.

Take care,
Molly

[Capp]

((Molly))
you said things perfectly! it makes a lot of sense to keep after feeling good...it makes life bearable and gives us hope.
Personally, without hope I would have given up long ago.

I'm not an "Orphan Annie" in believing the sun will come out tomorrow...most likely it will, but there will be those days of incessant rain. I think part of what I was trying to say is I don't have to feel guilty because I'll think, "Crap! Another darn day of this chit..."
I know the rain will stop, I know things will get better, I know all the platitudes have nuggets of wisdom--but I also know that sometimes it's a gonna be awhile before my heart doesn't ache.
And that's ok.
I've never considered myself as abnormal or mentally ill. I'm mentally interesting and my thought processes are different, but it does not make me abnormal.
Who the heck makes the decision about normalcy anyway, and why would they have the right?
Sorry! I got off on a tangent
But I do get rabid about some things...labeling is one of them.

Cap

[nowheretorun]

thanks for a lot of helpful input Cap! the older i get the more i realize that living a good life is not so much what i thought it would be like at all.. when i was young i thought it would be so easy and that i'd go to school, get married, have a house.. all that..

after a few quick rushes at life i realized something.. i was going way too fast for life to settle in and give it much opportunity to show me the good stuff.. i went racing by it again and again..

conscious consideration is a learned art... thank you for sharing yours with us

((((((((((((((((((((((( cap )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My T is teaching me that life is lived in the "tension" between happy and sad, between despair and hope. That that is where the Truth is. It's not all happy and light all the time, and it's not supposed to be, and that's okay. That's not Real. It's learning to be comfortable with that gray area that is what brings us true peace. It's a bittersweet feeling.

There is an author I love - Anne Lamott - and she does such a great job of illustrating that we can feel like gum on the bottom of someone's shoe and love ourselves at the same time. That's the gray area for me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. It gives me something to think about, and strive for

[Sannah]

Capp, I like what you wrote. I believe that many depressed people are terrified of "negative" emotions and they will not allow themselves to experience them and this is what causes the depression - bottling your feelings. It is quite a breakthrough to realize that "negative" emotions are okay.....

((capp))) very well written
we have emtions some are sad, some are happy, as you have said
thay are all there too in our hearts as you said....
you said ((That fear may also make us hold back just a tiny bit in enjoying the I--Feel-Good times)))
so true .....((you always matter please know that)))
muffy

[Capp]

thank you all for understanding my point of view!
sometimes being different is not acceptable, but I don't really care...as I wrote in my profile info, I hear a different drummer.

to be honest, it took me awhile to get out of that web of fear. If I felt good, I didn't enjoy it 'cause it wouldn't last. If I felt bad; well, that was my proof that life was really hard--gee, talk about boxing yourself in! it

I don't remember who told me to get off my butt and start enjoying life. They suggested I had become stagnant in my lifestyle--moaning and groaning and not doing a thing to change. The one thing that angered me was the very pointed remark that perhaps I was getting some kind of payoff from it.
Sometimes the truth hurts! They were right, of course.

I had shackles from the past to unlock, and felt so free as more and more of them fell off. Reborn! An incredibly scary feeling to accept that I could be me, just like I am, I didn't have to listen to unreasonable demands.

Within an hour--or less--I can go from feeling quite pleasant to being very cranky back to full of joy.
And it's all right. It has nothing to do with my value as a human, I'm not graded on having a variety of feelings, and there is no race to a destination...
I so hate that word! Destination. If that's all we focus on...we are missing so much. So much.

Cap

[Sannah]

Yes, Capp, the only way out is to start helping yourself. The added benefit of this is that it is empowering!