[Capp]

Well, I ran into one today...obviously I didn't see the darn thing or I would have made a detour.
It's not any one thing, nothing spectacular happened, there were no harsh words from anyone including ones to myself...
My energy/itty-bitty peace of mind/focus and determination started melting and I felt powerless.

Powerless and tired and don't want to hear any crappy platitudes I know there will be days like this, times of feeling like whale poop, times of sitting on the pity pot.

I also know there are times when the mask of, "I be just fine, thank you for asking" gets very heavy and I want to give myself permission to weep, eat chocolate, bawl, drink a can of Hershey's syrup, did I say cry?

Look between the bits of humor and you will see a lady who truly is tired. Right now, and I know it won't last forever...it better not or I'm going to be one mad unique antique.
Why life caught up with me today is something I haven't figured out yet.
Maybe I don't have to, either. I can easily get stuck in analysis paralysis when it comes to times like this.
Perhaps I need to let myself be worn out and take care of myself
Aha! So bits of truth emerge. I haven't been taking care of myself the way I normally do, and I'm stressed. NSS
Being worn out is a lovely way to tell everyone IRL to take care of your own problems because I'm too tired to do it.
Being selfish, I am. I don't want to hear their complaints.
I can listen, but I cannot solve...
This sounds so crude, but I'm not known for being nice when I'm stressed--did ya ever want to shake the bejesus out of someone who is stuck in Woe-Is-Me for the 405th time and it's the same problem? Ok, I'm rotten for feeling that way.

I'll feel better tomorrow. Hopefully I will sleep this night without having my usual weird nightmare--I'm having a fight with gnomes who are trying to trip me and bring me down.
Pretty telling, I think, about what's been going on IRL.

Cap
hurray! finally time for a pain pill...
it's going to be awhile before a surgeon cuts on me again

[turquoisesea]

*hugs* you're not being selfish

[pegasus]

((((((( Capp )))))))

You have a lot of insight Capp, it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel, and it can be very helpful to vent about it too.

I hope your day gets better, those walls are coming down methinks.

[Sannah]

Capp, you don't have to own anyone else's problems. We all have to make sure that we don't cross that line.

[cantstopcrying]

Because you're tired:
Because I couldn't find a pity pot, this is for the pity party you are allowed to have:
Because you feel like whale poop:
Because you deserve to cry:
Because chocolate makes things better:
Because you are still crying:
Because, well, YUMM:

Because you still want to cry:

[Capp]

Y'all are so good! Thank you so much for the support and understanding...

No gnomes last night since I didn't sleep, but dozed and heard every flea in the room pass gas. In the still of the night is when I do two good things--think without distraction and it used to be a great time to jump the bones of my sleeping SO
Sorry if I embarrassed anyone with the bone statement!

For sure, I broke a cardinal rule of not allowing myself to get drawn into another's drama. In my years of being a psych nurse, it happened twice and that was enough to teach me not to do it again.
It's been hard not to do it with family and friends. They are masters at doing the guilt trip thing, but it's up to me not to start on that trip.
Well, that shows some egocentric thinking...why on earth did I let myself entertain the thought that I could help them anyway? I need to stay out of the way of their professionals and remain on the sidelines as a cheerleader...

I still feel deflated. It's like a pinprick allowed a whole lot of me to escape, and I can't find all of me.
Perhaps it's because I should be filling up with more positive things. Oh Joy.
Sometimes I get so freaking tired of learning the same lesson over and over again. I know I'm hard-headed--was told that 5469 times before I was twelve--but once in awhile it would be nice to remember it the first or second time around.

Cap

[JudeeB]

Capp,

You have such a way with words that I can always relate to what you say and even when you feel like crap you can describe it in such a way it brings a smile to my face.

You are someone very special.

May today bring lighter thoughts.
Judy

[pegasus]

I didn't sleep, but dozed and heard every flea in the room pass gas.

Oh my!

(((((( Capp ))))))

[Sannah]

Capp I know that it becomes easier to cross that line if we aren't meeting our own needs. The next best thing is to meet the same needs for someone else........

[digdug]

Ah, the brickwall, I know it well. I ran into one yesterday. The stuff I've been through the past six months caught up to me. I think I have "Sunday syndrome", in that Sundays make me too anxious and inner-focused. Normally I watch football to distract me, but it hasn't been working this year...it just hasn't.

And no, you're not being selfish by avoiding other people's issues when you have your own to deal with. This is something I realized this year re: my parents. They have their own mental issues, and they do little to deal with them. The thing is, I'm at an age where I can't just accept them and acocmodate them. Especially since my wife and I will hopefully get going on the kid-producing project soon, once we're back living under the same roof. I'll have my own nuclear family, and won't have time to babysit the other one.

Sorry, I spent a lot of time talking about myself there. I hope you can at least see that so many of us have to deal with these issues, and it can be a cold world out there for the mentally ill, with few people understanding what we're going through. But the folks here? We all get it.

[Capp]

digdug, I appreciate your sharing with me--thank you!
It helps me remember that I may feel alone but there are others who understand because they are going through the same thing...god, what a long sentence!

I know details are different, but the affects are nearly the same. This I try and remember most of the time.
The rest of the time I just want to grow wings and fly away.

Cap