[JudeeB]

For the past few weeks I have sensed depression creeping back in. My sleep is eratic, I overeat, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life. I don't skip church, or my recovery meetings, I'm there and I listen and share yet at some level I feel detached and distant. I am not happy. It feels like I have settled for a safe, small life.

I chide myself for feeling this way. I have a very nice place to live, just enough money to pay my bills with a little left over. I have nice women friends that I have made over the past two years. I don't work and people have told me they envy that. I have opened up more and been more real with the gals in my recovery group, yet the things that hurt the most, the things I think about that are disturbing I keep to myself. I never let people in all the way. I don't trust them.

In my head I know it's a lie that I'm too different, that I only fit in when I strive to be like them. I hide my differing views to fit in, I hide my mental health issues, but resent doing it.

Like so many others my dishonesty and fears and expectations of myself and others get all twisted.

My depression, my resentments, all of that begins in my thoughts and my thoughts can be based on emotions that aren't reliable.

After a lifetime dealing with this dynamic I know what I'll have to eventually do. I'll have to force myself to blow the dust off my gratitude journal and get focusing on what is right and good in my life. I'll have to focus on self care, and on others a bit more. I call it a major attitude adjustment. I don't have to be ruled by my feelings. Feelings are not facts.

But maybe not today. I guess every once in while I throw myself a pity party and I'm not ready to leave yet. I still want to grieve over my BF that is far away and dying, I want to feel sad that I missed out on so much in life, I want to feel bad about another holiday coming and my youngest son won't be here for it since he died nine years ago, I want to brood about having so many brothers and sisters who don't know where I am and don't care, I still want to resent all the people who want me to listen to their crap without taking any interest in mine, I want to feel sorry for myself that I'm getting old and my arthritis hurts today.

Had a great therapist once who said I could be as happy as I chose to be. I had a choice. Man! Did I hate hearing that!! But over the years I have seen how right she was. And just for today I choose to hold on to the blues a little longer.

If it hangs on too long or gets deeper it will be back to the meds again.

But today I'm not too far gone that I can't see my out, I'm just not ready to go there.
Judy

[turquoisesea]

*hugs*
You're not wrong to mistrust others.. but sometimes its better to let them in. It really depends. I generally just don't trust people. Lately I've been forced to open up more than I want to to my friends, some have come through with flying colors, others have failed miserably, and others are simply in between.

I'm sorry about your bf, your brothers and sisters, that people unload their crap on you but don't take the time to take your crap on their shoulders too. That happens to me a lot to, although often it's my own fault because I simply refuse to unload my crap on others. I dunno what it is for you.
I haven't seen you much around the boards, but it's nice to meet you

I really hope things get better, and that once your pity fest is over you might feel a little bit better and see a light at the end

loads of hugs,
~turquoisesea

[pegasus]

((((((( Judy ))))))))

Judy I have great admiration for you because you say it exactly as it is and I see a huge strength in you. I hope the depression doesn't take hold for too long. It's ok to feel what you need to feel for a bit and you are totally aware of those coping strategies that are needed too.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Capp]

((Judy))
jme, but there are times when I also have to step back and let my sorrow and anger and disappointment out in the open--it doesn't mean I'm going to sit on my purple porcelain pity pot for any length of time.
my sponsor once told me that it's ok to get tired of trying to be up all the time...it's like taking a mini-vacation from it.
Jmo, but you are well aware of what is happening with you and there's no intent to do anything drastic.
sometimes it's all right to give ourselves permission to rest

Cap

[carla37]

ya the fight. I hear you loud and clear. I read in the bible the other day, that its ok to feel, feel for others, have things you love, but to have a strong passion for things, is not a good thing. this is only my opinion. and what I read. in nother words, god says, that is my job, to judge, to have your burdens, I created you, and you were not meant to bare all these things, he wants your body to be whole, and he nos what you need. I used to feel so much strong feeling for things, and it would leave me on an emotional roller coaster, then I read that passage in the bible, put it to use and it helps.its not that you dont care its that its not your job sometimes , you have to take care of yourself

[andycamp]

I am new to group/boards and still trying to figure out how to start a new post as I try but it doesn't seem to work. I admire the fact you are able to get out all of your feelings into a post to share with others. There sounds like so much is going on. I hope that the days ahead start to get a little brighter for you as I know how hard it is have so much on your plate and your emotions tied up. I will be thinking of you.
Andy

Originally Posted by JudeeB

For the past few weeks I have sensed depression creeping back in. My sleep is eratic, I overeat, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life. I don't skip church, or my recovery meetings, I'm there and I listen and share yet at some level I feel detached and distant. I am not happy. It feels like I have settled for a safe, small life.

I chide myself for feeling this way. I have a very nice place to live, just enough money to pay my bills with a little left over. I have nice women friends that I have made over the past two years. I don't work and people have told me they envy that. I have opened up more and been more real with the gals in my recovery group, yet the things that hurt the most, the things I think about that are disturbing I keep to myself. I never let people in all the way. I don't trust them.

In my head I know it's a lie that I'm too different, that I only fit in when I strive to be like them. I hide my differing views to fit in, I hide my mental health issues, but resent doing it.

Like so many others my dishonesty and fears and expectations of myself and others get all twisted.

My depression, my resentments, all of that begins in my thoughts and my thoughts can be based on emotions that aren't reliable.

After a lifetime dealing with this dynamic I know what I'll have to eventually do. I'll have to force myself to blow the dust off my gratitude journal and get focusing on what is right and good in my life. I'll have to focus on self care, and on others a bit more. I call it a major attitude adjustment. I don't have to be ruled by my feelings. Feelings are not facts.

But maybe not today. I guess every once in while I throw myself a pity party and I'm not ready to leave yet. I still want to grieve over my BF that is far away and dying, I want to feel sad that I missed out on so much in life, I want to feel bad about another holiday coming and my youngest son won't be here for it since he died nine years ago, I want to brood about having so many brothers and sisters who don't know where I am and don't care, I still want to resent all the people who want me to listen to their crap without taking any interest in mine, I want to feel sorry for myself that I'm getting old and my arthritis hurts today.

Had a great therapist once who said I could be as happy as I chose to be. I had a choice. Man! Did I hate hearing that!! But over the years I have seen how right she was. And just for today I choose to hold on to the blues a little longer.

If it hangs on too long or gets deeper it will be back to the meds again.

But today I'm not too far gone that I can't see my out, I'm just not ready to go there.
Judy

[JudeeB]

Wanted to thank those who responded to my thoughts.

I'm in a better place today. God has led me to some readings that are showing me why I often end up running on empty.

For most of my life I have sought security by being distant and uninvolved emotionally. I built a wall of distrust to protect myself when I was a child living in an abusive situation. It was a neccessary coping mechanism at the time. But I've had a horrible time letting it go when it's no longer needed.

I now have safe and caring people in my life who would like to be there for me. When I am brave enough to be vulnerable with them and they give empathy, comfort, understanding and reassurance, the basic needs we all have, I have a terrible time receiving it, letting it in to make me feel better. My receiver seems broken.

A part of me is so afraid to trust them, to trust that it won't be taken away or that it comes without strings. I can't seem to just embrace what was so freely given. I decided years ago to settle for NOT getting me needs met, it seemed safer. But that coping mechanism is crippling and draining me
.

I'm grateful to know that if God is showing this then He will also provide the way to fix it. I am embracing the empathy and understanding you all extended to me. thank you.

Judy

[Capp]

Judy, I'm glad you are in a better place right now...
Isn't it grand when we are led to the things that we can take into our souls, ponder them, and want to welcome them?!

Thank you for sharing your insights with us--I especially needed to read your words. Apparently you are also a messenger...

Cap