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#1
Nov 18, 2008, 12:26 AM
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I have been so depressed for years with varying intensity. It crept up on me insidiously when i was sixteen and has stuck ever since. I sought help from a counselor when i was 20 and she sent me straight to a doctor who put me on meds. I feel as though i have tried all the different medication there is and still gotten nowhere. I have finally been put onto a drug that has shifted my mood a little (lexapro), but its not making living any easier. life is still so hard. im tired all the time. lethargy morning noon and night, that just doesn't ever seem to pass. I want to sleep all day and all night, yet i can't seem to get into that deep sleep where i feel restful. my nights are plagued with dreams and nightmares, but often just my mind racing over and over in circles not knowing what to do. I think about the end constantly. I crave for it. I don't want to kill myself but all i want to do is waste away. or die somehow so i don't have to do it by my own hands. They all say it will get better, but its been 10 years this week and not much has changed in the way of me feeling better. How am i supposed to have faith with that history. and its not like i havn't tried, but i keep giving up because i just get no results. Im at a stage where i don't even bother caring that i was abused. I don't even care to think about it. im tired. the flashbacks come and i just go to sleep or my mind just leaves and im in lala land. but i don't care. i don't really care about anything. i can't enjoy anything or anyone. im overwieght but dieting, but nothing changes. A man wouldn't look at me in an appealing way even a mile away. Depression has taken everything from me. its taken everything enjoyable. Everything i have aspired to be. everything i long to be. It has faded me into nothing. All i do is cry and sleep and wish my life away. I have help, but im not getting anywhere. I just really want my world to end so i don't have to hurt anymore. im just so sick of it all. Nothing is going to change me...i know that for certain...im 26 next week and my life amounts to nothing. All my sisters have high payed jobs which they love and are meeting the loves of their lives, getting married and having babies. Im just stuck stagnant. I know my parents are dissapointed which they sometimes hint in their round about ways. They all want me to be like the others..and so do i.....god i wish i had a loving man and children. but i cna't even look after myself let alone a child. what's wrong with me that i can't get better. this mental illness is killing me slowly. id much rather just end it quickly...im fed up with life.........but i don't have it in me to end it....but by god,,,its all i think of.
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#2
Nov 18, 2008, 12:31 AM
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I cant really help much. But, i want you to know that i feel the same as you. You are not alone.
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#3
Nov 18, 2008, 12:37 AM
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I feel the same way, just wishing and wishing and wishing to wipe the slate clean and start all over, but its not an option and ending my life isn't in me either. But i feel like my life is already over because of the depression. I'm just here, existing - no emotions, no motivation. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Why can't I just be normal?
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#4
Nov 18, 2008, 04:24 AM
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i feel the same.
i have no excitement about life i just want it to end quickly my existence is futile life is worthless when u have depression it robs you of everything worthwhile i don't deserve it you don't deserve it we don't deserve it but we have it and its not fair ten years of my life wasted away with this hell called illness when is it going to end i don't think it ever will and i continue to just EXIST... i want to disappear forever |
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#5
Nov 18, 2008, 04:25 AM
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my birthday is this week and all i can think is that its my ten year anniversary of being depressed and feeling worthless...and ever since i was 16 i've prayed it to leave me...
for ten years i've wished for death but havn't had the balls to do anything about it... i simply continue to suffer |
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#6
Nov 18, 2008, 06:23 AM
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Quote:
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#7
Nov 18, 2008, 06:27 AM
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if we expect to feel this way, it is so much easier for us to feel this way... give hope a chance
 
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#8
Nov 18, 2008, 06:45 AM
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Quote:
 but i know now i never will be,not even close
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#9
Nov 18, 2008, 06:46 AM
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Quote:
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#10
Nov 18, 2008, 06:47 AM
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if we go on living our life as if it is crap, what other outcome can be gained?
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#11
Nov 18, 2008, 07:02 AM
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the only other way is death !!
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#12
Nov 18, 2008, 07:04 AM
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Quote:
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#13
Nov 18, 2008, 07:07 AM
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think happy thoughts
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#14
Nov 19, 2008, 07:29 PM
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I do try to have hope....to find it somewhere within me...
but i can't find it..... all i find is despair, despair and more despair... I feel like it's over... but my life continues to exist and will for a long time coming... For all those who feel like me... I really hope that you... will find that hope for I don't think it possible for me.. |
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#15
Nov 19, 2008, 08:14 PM
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Just pills aren't going to do it for you guys. Depression came acallin' 23 years ago and it did take me a while to come out of it. Medication will help some but we need to change our way of thinking.
Depression makes us turn inward and the more we go around in circles thinking about how miserable we feel, the more miserable we feel. It becomes a downward spiral. Like I just got done telling my hubby, "you gotta fake it until you make it." That's what I had to do. I had to keep telling myself over and over that I cared about how I smelled and how I looked. It got me into the shower and to wash and do my hair. I had to experiment and find something that would hold my interest for more than five mintues. If it did, I'd stay at it for 10 then 15 minutes at a time. Sometimes I would stay at that one thing even if I didn't want to. There is a sticky in the Psycotherapy Forum. It's about CBT; Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I recommend highly that you read it. There is also a sticky in Self Help called Eight Steps to Living the Truth. I would read that, too, and practice what you read on both posts. They've both worked for me in a great way. Do it even if you don't feel like it. Before you know, you'll start seeing results... that is, if you really are fed up with the way things are now.  Best to all of you.  PS It is NOT a life sentence. It is NOT what defines who you are. Don't let it have you, YOU "have" it. That means, YOU have it by the horns!
__________________
Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
 skeeweeaka
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