[Melpomene]

I thought I was getting better, people had noticed a difference, I'd been happy and spending time with people.

But thats just while I'm distracted. Any other time I feel utterly crap. I feel like a complete failiure. I know my family and friends love me, but I feel they can do fine without me. I feel worthless and all my effort is pointless cos I'll never make it in life. I can't get a job, I can't get decent grades, despite 'getting better'. And to be honest, lately i've been thinking about suicide. Painkillers are being collected in my room. I dunno what to do. I know I'd never be strong enough to do it, but they bring me comfort, that if I keep collectign I could do it if I needed. But then again, there was a time I never thoughts I could cut either. I don't want to tell anyone about them. They'll make me get rid of them. We thought I was getting better! I dont want to tell anyone. They'll be so dissapointed in me and they'll make me get rid of the painkillers. I dont want to tell anyone, mot my mum, my friends or my keyworker. But I probably should. I just cant. I cant even tell my dad I'm depressed or my mum that I've self harmed. This is just too much. Maybe I'm just doign this cos I think I'll be more likely to be put on anti-depressants? And easy way out, happy without trying. I dunno what I try for anymore. In 2 years my friends will be going to uni, so will I if I get accepted, I'll move out of home. I don;t want to be alone again It's breaking me.

[madisgram]

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life, that word is Love" - Socrates
melpomene, this is your quote and it is so beautiful. i am sorry that you feel so down and hopeless. we can only live in today and try to think of the beautiful things that could just be around the corner for you. it takes a lot of energy when i am depressed but i try to reflect on the times when i was so glad to be alive!! or about someone i love, like my son. i may have my highs and valleys but sometimes i just focus on the next positive step or moment. try to be kind to youself today and know that we care.

[Melpomene]

Originally Posted by madisgram

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life, that word is Love" - Socrates
melpomene, this is your quote and it is so beautiful. i am sorry that you feel so down and hopeless. we can only live in today and try to think of the beautiful things that could just be around the corner for you. it takes a lot of energy when i am depressed but i try to reflect on the times when i was so glad to be alive!! or about someone i love, like my son. i may have my highs and valleys but sometimes i just focus on the next positive step or moment. try to be kind to youself today and know that we care.

*hugs* thanks. I know I should try harder and be less nihilistic, it's just trying to be happy seems fake sometimes which jsut makes me feel worse. The thing is, I can be so happy at lunch times with my friends, but then I got to a lesson and I'm not taling anymore, or on teh bus home, or even at home, things jsut seem utterly hopeless. I would love a kid - not yet because I'm too young, but because I don't have one, I dont have them to distract me or love. There's my mum, who I love. I just don't see good in amy future. Any hope I have with my friends is eradicated when I'm alone.

But thankyou for reminding me of that quote> I completely love it and it brings me such comfort. I find myself thinking I'll never find love, not the sort I want, but in truthm, I already have it, with my family and friends, people who care

[pegasus]

(((((((((( Melpomene ))))))))))

I hope you will share with your keyworker about how you are feeling right now. You don't need to struggle with this alone. I think we all wear masks to hide things at times but if you could share what's truly going on with one person you trust. I think you would start to feel better sharing the load.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( Melpomene ))))))))))))))))))

[Melpomene]

Thankyou

I think I will tell my keyworker. It's not constant yet, but it could grow to get worse.

Every time I think about it, something tries to convince me otherwise. The fact that I'm doing "Death of a Salesman" in english, and suicide is meaningless there, the fact that I took philosophy and ethics of religions so I get things like Aquinis' 5 primary principles thrown at me - no. 1 is 'To live', the fact that I go to a catholic school so the thought of taking a life, my own included makes me think I'm going against God, so I think - earth if for but a few years, heaven is for eternity, as is hell. Just things like that. But when I'm there, in that bad place,I just don't care that much. Which is scary ><. The 'as much' gives hope though.

[Capp]

((Melpomene))
I'm glad you are willing to tell your keyworker. I salute you for recognizing that it can get worse...

Thank you for sharing with us. You don't have to struggle alone.
We care
I care

Cap