[ThePainNeverDies]

Why's it that's all I ever seem to do these days?? It's stupid..

Today I cried because I just couldn't play my guitar in the way that I wanted to. I felt like a rubbish musician because I couldn't write any lyrics.. Then watching my sister playing live on youtube, I noticed that she plays no more chords on the guitar than I do and she's been signed.. So that boosted me a bit..

But then I cried because I looked at myself and felt fat.. Then because I just felt like I'd failed at everything..

But at least Katie saved me from being moved out.. She told my key worker that she would not let me go there because it's a horrible place to be and they should move me into more independant living, give me more space and have that support there for when I needed it..

Which made my jaw drop!! She had taken the words right out of my mouth! I couldn't believe how she'd said exactly what I'd been saying to Connor just half an hour earlier..

So that's a good thing, one less stress.. College work is still sucky.. I can't do it.. So I guess my tutor will have to wait until nearer Christmas to get it.. Better late than never..

[cantstopcrying]

I'm very glad Katie spoke up and helped you. Sounds like she's very in tune with you. I'm glad you were able to boost yourself about your music!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Yes, she really is, even after only a couple of weeks knowing me! She works with self harmers though, so it's no surprise ot be honest.

The song that I linked people to in my post the other day, is being played at a friend's funeral today.. Surprising how I haven't really thought about it.. Just that sudden feeling of guilt crops up a little because I couldn't stop him.. He crashed his car into a wall.. He'd been drinking and had knocked another friend over, luckily, she's still with us.. But he's not.

The song's about war, and he served in the war in Iraq, so it suited the occasion very well and I feel very.. Appreiciative of that song now and the fact that I was able to sing it.

I don't feel as guilty as I could do, which is weird.. But I guess I'm just starting to learn that I can't take the blame and guilt for everything.. No matter how easy it is to blame myself, I know it's the wrong thing to do.

[cantstopcrying]

How very touching and special it is that your friend is being honoured by your song. I'm so sorry the accident happened. I want to tell you how very proud I am for the statement you made: But I guess I'm just starting to learn that I can't take the blame and guilt for everything.. No matter how easy it is to blame myself, I know it's the wrong thing to do. What a huge, huge step for you!

[Fuzzybear]

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks

Although I know it's the wrong thing to do, I still do it.. I can't help it!

I just had a hypnotherapy session, my first one, so it was just talking about what it'd be like, and she gave me a cd to help me sleep next Monday is my first proper appointment.. I'm so nervous!! But I guess it's kind of like yoga, putting you into a relaxed state. I've done yoga, so I know she shouldn't find it too hard to put me into a daydream-like state. I hope she doesn't find it too hard!

Somehow I need to calm myself down.. Any ideas? I was so nervous when I went in and I just know next Monday, I'm going to be really, horribly on edge. I'm scared I'm going to have a panic attack!!

But.. I'm thinking now that this is giving me more of a chance to help me get better.
I have a headache. Stupid anxiety.

I found out that I have head lice too My hair's my only pride and joy about myself! I caught them from someone where I live. There are at least 3 people in there who have them.. I'm making sure I get moved out soon, into my ownflat, get away from the *****ing and things like that.. I didn't hink I could get them! But yet my hair's always so clean.. So it's no wonder I've got them.. I passed them onto Connor as well.. I feel so guilty for that stupid, stupid nasty little things! I cried when I found out.. How childish.. But then again, my hair's the best part of me, in my eyes and it's being ruined!