[tamara]

please how do I move past the shame and guilt I feel after having lost months and months of my life to my most recent episode of agitated/anxious depression? I just start to feel a bit good again and then I end up obsessing about how I have let everybody down, including myself. Then the self-loathing and fear to try again start and I find it hard to move forward with confidence. It's a vicious cycle! ARRRRGH!

Ugh. What an awful way to feel!! It's bad enough to feel depressed...but guilty too? Yowsa.

Well, I'd start by learning about the biology behind depression, so that maybe I could feel a little less at fault. You don't cause your depression ya know? Honest. There is a good thread under the drug board. I can't recall the name of the thread, but it was started by Malady. It has a link to an article with some easy to understand info on the biology behind depression. See if you can find that and read it, ok?

Are you in therapy? Therapy can really help to sort out some of those thoughts you are having.

Take care, and keep posting. There are a LOT of people here who understand what you are going though.

emmy

[tamara]

Thanks all for the advice. I understand the biology behind depression, and have been trying hard to stop blaming myself and feeling like I am a disappointment to others and myself. My logical side knows that that is the rational thing to do. My emotional side doesn't seem to be able to move past the almost paralyzing self-doubt, impatience (with myself) and anger (at myself). But, I continue to work on stifling the negative sel-talk and changing the tapes.

I have tried therapy a couple of times, and have started working on the David Burns Feeling Good workbook. It is so difficult for me to be open about my feelings that therapy really was nothing more than an expensive gab session. I thought that it would be easier to open up with a therapist, but it hasn't been that way for me. I know a lot of it is because of the way I was raised. I was raised to believe that any problems I had or any saddness, fear, anxiety, etc. I was experiencing were trivial and insignificant. So, I learned from an early age to keep things to myself so as not to anger or upset anyone. So, I am trying to learn to be more open.

Thanks for listening.

[wisewoman]

Wow Stellack it's great that you are here. I understand the whole shame and guilt thing but also my brain can know that those feelings do more damage so I try to believe what the lovely people here tell me as well as my T. It is a relatively safe thing for you to learn about sharing your feelings here. Heck, the other day I felt like I was reviewing my life etc. The really funny thing about coming here and hearing other people is that we realize we are really not that special after all. We think we are the only ones with certain thoughts and feelings and that we are odd or so ill or whatever and then someone else says the same feeling and it gets normalized for us. That is probably the singlemost healing event that I find here. Hope this makes sense and I hope you keep sharing.

[hamstergirl]

Your depression isn't you. There is probably a decent person behind all that junk. You just living with an illness, just as I am living with several physical diseases. It's just that depression is so stigmatized.

Whatever you did wasn't your fault. The important thing is that you are still with us.

And shame and guilt have been a normal part of my life since I was nine years old and came home from a psychiatric hospital after spending a year and a half there. I'm still trying to let go of that. It's memories of that shame that have influenced me on this board more than anything else and the resolve to never inflict the suffering that was inflicted on me by my parents and others.

[Maya]

Once again, I agree that shame and guilt go hand in hand with depression and anxiety. In addition to my 20 mg Lexapro I am also on 3mg of Xanax a day just to function. But just the meds alone would not have "cured " me - it takes work with a T, lots of hard, hard work - saying things you thought you would never voice, remembering things buried so deeply you never could have gotten them out without the help of a skilled T. So, the two together can work woners, provided you have a T you can bond with and that you can trust has your best intererests at heart. Mine read me what I call his "gentle, compassionate riot act" last week in order to finally reach me. He talked for an hour and a half to me, asked me questions I had to answer (no avoidance allowed) and pushed me very hard. It was what I needed at the time or I would not have been here today to answer this post. He knew what I was planning and had to do something drastic to get me through it. He promised me I would never be locked up and if anyone ever tried he would come immediately and get me released and I trust his promise. so this was his only alternative when he knew how serious I was and the situation was. A good T is one of life's blessings.