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#1
Jan 11, 2009, 11:16 AM
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Lower than usual.
 I've been working on my family tree at the request of my therapist and it just makes me sad to remember all the violence and abuse in my history and the history of my family. My husband's side of the family isn't a whole lot better. I'm supposed to do a genogram with the family tree, tracing all the abuse and violence and relationships but it's just too depressing to do that. I think I'm going to leave it at the family tree stage for now. It's all stuff that I know but that I try to put out of my mind: my dad 'shooting' my mom with a gun that had blanks in it and then laughing; my dad asking someone to kill my me, my mom and my sister after he had left my mom; someone threatening to kill my dad for him threatening to kill us; my brother attempting to kill my sister; sexual abuse by cousins and parents. It's just all too much. And I've been looking back through my journals I've kept since 1999 and that doesn't make me feel much better. I'm trying to see the progress I'm making but all I can see is how sick I am/was. I feel like all that sickness is still there, lurking under the surface, waiting to jump out at any moment. How did I get so messed up? Suicidal ideation. Homicidal ideation. Double depression (as if 1x isn't enough  ). OCD. PTSD. BPD. Does it ever end?I'm going to take a deep breath and go out to breakfast with my husband. I don't really want to, but he's sick of me doing nothing all the time. Just needed to share/vent/rant. Thanks.
__________________
"What is Real? asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day. "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." -The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams |
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#2
Jan 11, 2009, 11:23 AM
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(((internettie))))you've suffered so much emotional pain. i have many of the same dx's and i can tell you it can end for you in a good way. you are doing so many of the positive things to feel better. we need to get through the pain and then we are beyond it to a much better outlook.
 hang in there. know we understand and care.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
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#3
Jan 11, 2009, 12:40 PM
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 hugs for you...hope you will feel much more better soon 
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As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright. |
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#4
Jan 11, 2009, 01:03 PM
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((((( madisgram, puffyprue )))))
Thank you for the encouragement. I really think the therapist I'm working with now is going to help me toward wellness. For the first time I have hope that I can be better. Now if I can just convince myself that I want to get better.
__________________
"What is Real? asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day. "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." -The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams |
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#5
Jan 11, 2009, 01:15 PM
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i will put you on my prayer i hope it will works and all this feeling just go away
__________________
As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright. |
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