I. Can't. Do. It.. *Trig SI, OD, ED, Sui*

((((Don't give up)))

Thank you everyone.

I've had a really awful, exhausting and painful couple of days.. Last night I was taken away in an ambulance and seen by ECP because I was having severe abdominal pains, to the point that I couldn't sit down, or walk at all.. I had to lie flat on my back, really still, to at least ease the pain, although it didn't ease it much.. I was refusing to have an ambulance called, saying it'll pass in an hour or so.. 2 hours later it still hadn't passed, so an ambulance was called.

They medics tested for a urine infection, but found nothing and after that, they couldn't figure out what it could be apart from a possible stone somewhere in my body.. So.. It's just a matter of waiting and taking lots of painkillers to see if it passes.. If it doesn't, then I'll have to go to the hospital..

So, today I'm in agony, again.. Even despite taking 2 paracetamol to get rid of it.. So I'm just.. Well staying in bed all day I guess.. But then.. Ohhh I have to get my washing done and hoover and clean.. I don't care if I'm in agony.. I have to do it, it needs to be done..

My mood's really not good today.. Connor called me last night to "distract me from the pain", but it just ended up him talking about us not being together and I just got angry and upset, kept dissociating, so not knowing what he was saying, coming back into reality half way through his sentence and then asking him to say it again.. I started crying because I was so frustrated that i didn't know what the pain was and crying because it hurt so, so much.. So.. We were about to end the conversation, said bye and everything, when i dissociated again.. I don't know how long for, but when i came back, the phonecall was still running. I said to Connor "what were you saying?" in confusion and he said "I was waiting for you to go.." So I apologised and put the phone down..

I'm in so much agony and now I just don't feel like the pain will ever stop and like I just won't be able to do anything today.. But even if I do faint.. I won't stop.. I'm so stupid like that, but if I do and someone sees me, I always pick myself up and say I'm fine.. let's just hope it's not someone like Emily, because she'll call another ambulance there and then, and I just.. I don't feel like it's a huge problem because of the way the medics handled it

I don't know.. Because of the pain I really do feel like giving up now

I really don't think cleaning should be priority right now. No reason to tough out the physical pain. Please continue to get medical help. We care too much about you to see you hurting.

I went to the hospital on Sunday to find out what it was.. the pain was too unbearable to just let it go. Found out it's a Urinary Tract Infection. Happy days so have antibiotics for it and need to keep taking painkillers.. The test showed I'd not been eating or drinking enough I realised then that I'd only had 2 drinks in the day :/ so that wasn't so good.. The infection's quite advanced now, too so if the antibiotics don't work, the dose will be upped and if that still does nothing, it could mean hospitalisation.. So now.. My ED's gettign worse, because I can't eat anything and I have to stay in bed all day

Strict orders were given by the nurses, not to go into college today, even if I have lots of work to do (it's my day off), and to stay in bed.. But I have to get this work done.. My friend Tom, is picking me up and taking me because he's going in anyway, he's taking me to make sure I don't faint or wear myself out by walking there and to make sure that there's someone there whilst I'm working, in case I do faint. Let's just hope that I don't

I feel so, so sick.. So weak.. i can't eat, I can't sleep and I can barely move. *sob* I was crying so much last night, i just felt so down, so crappy and I SI'd.. I got my arm bandaged from my hand to my elbow it's annoying! It makes it even harder to get the work done

I just hope tonight's not so bad.. I feel so horrible and crappy today..