[jmo531]

Hi everyone, it's me again. I went back to work last week for the first time in 2 months. I have to say that it was a very big step for me and that It worked out pretty well for the most part. However, last Tuesday night I got some bed news about my 15 year old neice. After a year of suspicious symptoms, she was diagnosed with Lupus. It's been very difficult for my sister to handle this as she feels so powerless that she can not help her "baby". I just can't beleive that one more thing has gone horribly wrong in my family this year. Last March I lost my uncle to cancer, he was only 56 and had recently adopted 2 special needs children, it seemed as though his life was moving in the right direction. He found out he had cancer on February 10th, 2004 and he passed away March 23rd, 2004. It was ver hard to deal with as I have a hard time dealing with death. However, the whole family was by his side when he passed. I hope he know how much we loved him. If that wasn't bad enough, my grandmother passed away on November 9th, 2004, 8 short months after her son, and my uncle passed. Now to have to deal with the new of my neice is so overwhelming to me. I talked to her today on the phone. She seemed so upbeat as the boy she likes has asked her to the prom. That makes me feel good that she still can have happiness through this difficult time. Right now I'm feeling lost, alone and scared. I don't know exactl why. I just feel that when I start to move in the right direction, something happens that brings me back down. My pdoc upped my meds this past Monday to 150 mgs of Effexor XR. I think I have been doing pretty well with it so far but last night i had to wake up at 11:30 with my new puppy to take her outside to the bathroom. When I woke up I was scared. I was afraid to go downstairs as I felt that someone was down there, even though I knew there wasn't. I went anyway and of course no one was there but I couldn't shake the feeling. This morning I woke up for work and I was so tired. I have been so tired this past week and I feel so worthless. I pushed myself and made it to work anyway. When I came home i was exhausted so I layed down on the couch for a nap. I had a hard time falling asleep. I was scared again. I felt as though everything was not real. That my life was not real. That my surroundings were all made up and I thought, my gosh, I'm losing it. I don't know how this feeling subsided but eventually I drifted off to sleep. I woke up still exhausted. I'm just tired of this rut I am in. I feel stuck. Stuck in one place. Everytime I try to fly, I fall. Everytime. It doesn't matter if I have good days, the bad one's always come back. I can't remember the old me and how I delt with my stress because it seems like a lifetime ago. All I know is now, I take everything slow because that is the only way I can handle it. I look for and end to my pain and I know one day I will be able to feel whole again. But for now, I feel broken, in peices. I have to learn how to put this puzzle together. It's so hard. Thanks once again for listening.

Jen <font color="purple"> </font>