how in the world can you make a spouse understand

I am in the middle of a very debilitating flare up of my depression. I am feeling like hiding in a dark quiet place and keeping the world away. My spouse keeps acting like anything I ask him to do is unreasonable. I asked him to hold me and he put a wimpy arm around me and was mad when I said that was not what i wanted, I wanted to be held tight, he said I am. He askes me what he can do to help. I tell him I need him to act as a buffer to the world and keep me protected until I get it under control again. He looks at me all blank and then he tells me about somethings that happened while I was at work that were no big deal to him that would have freeked me out even if I was totally fine that added to my stress a hundred fold and when I asked him why he said that he said I didn't know that would bother you, I forgot that things that can happen freek you out. How can I make him understand how I feel, that I feel like I am exposed and unsafe and that I cant even hardly keep from screaming and crying and jumping in the car to drive to some place far away and leaving everything behind just to try to find a break from the constant stress and responsability that I am under that I cant handle at the moment. How can I get him to understand how scared and alone I feel and how much I need him. How can I help myself without shutting him out if he is going to continue to add to the issues. Please help, I see things falling apart and I cant seem to find the strength to collect all of the peices.

Hi Alex1968- sorry you're going through this. A lot of spouses/friends/relatives just don't understand. There is a wonderful group out there specifically for these people. I tried to post a link, but I'm too new for the system to allow me to do so.
Anyway, the group is NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness. The website is the name (nami) dot org. Tons of good material there, it's specifically geared towards friends and family members to help them gain some insight. If he won't go to the site himself, find some relevant material, print it out and leave it laying around for him to look over or not.

Another suggestion is to see if there is a DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) group that is meeting in your area. Lots of support there and people who truly understand. There may be other advice that people will have for how to approach your spouse.

Best wishes to you during this difficult time.

alex1968,

I'm sorry you are experiencing a tough time at the moment and I hope it passes soon.

You know, as mad as you are at your partner's lack of support, it's actually a good thing. I know this might not make a lot of sense just now, especially when you don't feel particularly strong. But his seeming lack of support forces you to deal with things without even being aware of it. And it's this dealing that will put you back on the right track. The alternative is that you become very dependant on him and fail to deal with anything yourself.

I know what I'm trying to get across but I'm not sure if I succeeded.
Sorry if it seems harsh, I don't mean it to be.

There is a saying 'give first take later'. Thank your partner for his help and support no matter how small the effort appears to be. That's you 'giving'. The taking part comes when he begins to believe that he is really helping you, and with that belief come the real genuine help and support you feel you need during the tough times. We have to give a little to get a lot.

I hope you feel better soon.

hi alex, sorry you're having a tough time getting your spouse to understand your position.

Unfortunately, depression is an illness that's very difficult to understand if you don't have/have never had it. It's hard for partners/family/friends to make sense of it, and it's hard for depressives to get across exactly how they're feeling. But you managed to describe things fairly well in your post, so have you considered maybe writing down your feelings in a letter to your spouse? He might get it a little better if you can organize your thoughts properly on paper. If you can't do that, maybe just make a list of things you know will trigger your depression, like particular topics of conversation, and ask that he look it over and try to stick with it as much as he can. That way he'll know which things are stressful for you and will be able to avoid them in future. I did that with some friends and family members. We made a list of "ground rules" we could all live with so we didn't drive each other mad, and it made things a little easier on all of us.

Another option is to bring him along to see your doctor or your therapist, if you have one. A professional might be able to help him understand exactly what's going on with you, as well as outline the kind of support you're going to need while you recover from your illness.

The number one thing to remember, no matter how much or how little support you get from your spouse, is that the depression and the symptoms that come with it is not your fault. There is absolutely no way a depressive can just "get over it". This isn't something you can just press through or wish away. Try pointing out to your spouse that he would never ask someone with a broken leg to just "walk it off" and he should not expect you to get well without the time and treatment needed to heal. Stress that you're ill. You have the right to recuperate and ask for his support in that.

There are also good books out there that you can find on depression. If your spouse is a reader, maybe suggest he read up on people's accounts of their depression -- not just the medical texts, but the accounts of people's time as depressives. A good one is "Sunbathing In The Rain" by Gwyneth Lewis, it's a quick read and good account of her illness, and it also lists various ways loved ones can help.

Make sure you remember that this is probably a very tough thing for your spouse to handle. It doesn't mean you have to apologize or feel guilty for being ill, but keep in mind that he's probably doing his best in a situation he doesn't know how to handle.

All the best.

Can't say this frog of little brain has any great advice.

When it gets to the point where you must take care of yourself first in order to exist, well sometimes you just have to give up trying.

I hope things go much better for you than the did for me.

Not saying to give up just keep your priorities straight.

I don't think you can make them understand. Believe me, I'm in the same boat. His only "advice" to me is to man up. He has no understanding of anything about depression or ptsd and can't even realize he's making it worse. He flat out refused to even go with me once to my therapist. He laughed through my psychological eval I stupidly let him read hoping he'd understand. 80% of me knows I should walk away from this relationship (we've been married a year) and its not good for me but oddly enough, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Crazy? Yes. It sucks. Hopefully we'll all get to a point where we can be comfortable, feel safe and understood and not like we have to fake it so someone else feels ok.