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Old Mar 09, 2009, 12:16 AM
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turquoisesea turquoisesea is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 9,092
may be some triggers in here.

I'm hurting so much... I thought about my life so far. It's been a constant trail of decay. I'm incapable of anything now... I can't .. I CAN't. I'm barely keeping myself from harm. I barely want to anymore. Anythign to make hte pain stop.

I want to get better. I've been trying so hard. But I just can't.

Where is the path to getting better. Because I am NOT on it.

I have gotten worse. I really have. I"m supposed to be getting better. My time is DEDICATED to getting better. I can't sleep right, I can't eat right. Let alone any of the "normal" stuff people do. Like get a job, go to school, associate with other human beings.

I don't know what to do anymore...
I can barely tust my T, we're planning on talking about the dissociation next time. But wht can shepossibly do, what has she done?

so lost, and hurting

and the last post in my blog shows the line of destruction, though I expect none to read.
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In pain... losing...was I ever getting better?

Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.


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  #2  
Old Mar 09, 2009, 12:21 AM
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teary_me teary_me is offline
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Location: australia
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sending big hugs your way. thinking off you
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In pain... losing...was I ever getting better?
Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #3  
Old Mar 09, 2009, 12:34 AM
dan0woods dan0woods is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2008
Posts: 20
I'm sorry you feel this way...i'm off to read your blog right now! pm me if you want to talk about it further. i am no professional, but i am a person struggling with depression like yourself and i'm a good listener!
Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #4  
Old Mar 09, 2009, 01:29 AM
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turquoisesea turquoisesea is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado
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thank you both for your replies... i'm just feeling overwhelmed, I can't get to sleep , I got up at 5am and its 2:30 am so i should be able to. but I can't. It's almost like I want to trigger myself, and get mad at myself so I can get some relief. And I threw up, I've been trying not to do that for so long.

so overwhelmed...

*hugs everyone if it's ok*
__________________
In pain... losing...was I ever getting better?

Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

  #5  
Old Mar 09, 2009, 07:37 AM
Anonymous091825
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((turquoisesea)))))))))))) talk to your Dr , If you are getting worse as you said, Talk to someone IRL too
Its sounds like you know yourself very well. ANd are really trying. imo
Get the help you need so as not to hurt you.
Im sorry your friend is having to go into the hospital . Thats the last part I read.
Im glad his parents will be there with you.
Remember to take care of you .
as you do (matter))))))))))))))))
Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #6  
Old Mar 09, 2009, 02:16 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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((((((((((((((((( turquoisesea ))))))))))))))))))
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Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #7  
Old Mar 09, 2009, 04:53 PM
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trevorzero trevorzero is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2009
Location: 616 Limbo Lane
Posts: 673
I can understand the frustration that you have with your therapist. I really hated the "professional detachment" approach. I needed a T to engage me, to duel with me, to fight with me, to rip me apart. That's what I needed, and I never got it. I cannot be sure what you really need from your T, but you don't seem to be getting it.
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The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The End The Beginning
Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #8  
Old Mar 09, 2009, 05:37 PM
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justfloating justfloating is offline
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Location: Scotland/Canada
Posts: 1,502
lots of hugs, turquoisea

sending lots of good vibes your way.
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Rebecca

"If you're going through hell -- keep going."
- Winston Churchill


It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection.
- Elizabeth Gilbert

Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong,
we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on.
Bring on the wonder, bring on the song,
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.
- Susan Enan


http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/
Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #9  
Old Mar 10, 2009, 02:13 PM
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Puffyprue Puffyprue is offline
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Posts: 3,236
(((((((((((((((((turqoisesea)))))))))
iam so sorry you feel this way ..iam here for you...
huge hugs.....
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As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright.


Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #10  
Old Mar 10, 2009, 02:29 PM
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Amazonmom Amazonmom is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2009
Location: usa
Posts: 1,730
I'm sorry that you're so down now. You always have a hug and positive words for others- here's a hug for you.
Thanks for this!
turquoisesea
  #11  
Old Mar 12, 2009, 02:24 PM
craig.doe68 craig.doe68 is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Posts: 6
Is your pain just emootional or also physical? If itsw physical I can relate I have been in pain for over a year now. Got to find some hope I am hopeful for ssurgery if I dont get it I dont know what I will do
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