[notallwhowander]

I realized one of the larger sources of my anxiety is an obsession over past situations that I perceive as failures. It's not an obsession in the sense that I'm intentionally spending large amounts of time revisiting former scenarios or decisions. It's more along the lines that when I'm nostalgic, I experience these deep pangs of remorse that bring my mood down and make me feel hopeless, paralyzed, and unworthy. These memories include moments when I was euphorically happy, moments when I was unreasonably angry during a fight, moments when I was totally physically and mentally wiped after a long and fulfilling day, moments when I should have put aside my pride, moments when I didn't have enough pride to stand up for myself, and even moments when I was just simply... not feeling or thinking about anything while looking out onto a beautiful landscape.
At first, I attributed this to my tendency towards perfectionism; every perceived mistake, misstep, or mishandling of a situation was a mark against me. I've since accepted that failures are not only normal, but also important for personal growth. This makes me wonder... where does this emotional reaction come from? The deep shame that accompanies the memory of a mistake, or the realization that things were better in a past place and time?
Is it ever right to act on these feelings?
There are times when the pangs of remorse incite a strong conviction that if I reach out to that person who I wronged, or to the person by whom I was wronged, I'll find relief and be able to move on. Perhaps to replace the former memory with one of closure and balance. Would I really gain strength from this kind of confrontation, or is it something I have to work on internally?

[smmath]

I know how you feel. I beat myself up over every tiny mistake I make and it leads me to be depressed and have low self esteem. I think that it is normal to desire affirmation, and if you want to talk to people whom you think you have wronged, then go for it.

Oh maaaan. Usually when I remember one thing I've done bad I just remember EVERYTHING I regret since like... the third grade and beyond. Ugh. Talk about a major mood killer haha. But yeah, it definitely is fairly normal to kind of remember all these sorts of things. Generally whenever I do remember I tend to wince. I guess really the most healing thing for me is time and a little bit of humor mainly something like "wow. I was really stupid back then. Well, at least I'm not quite AS stupid as before haha."

I mean, perhaps they would make good stories to share with people and help heal in that sense but I guess I'm personally really not interested in letting my friends and family know since I'm pretty sure I'll get teased at least for part of the time.

Best of luck!

[paynful]

Right as rain. I never understood that saying until recently. No one (except a truly depressed person like me) actually likes the rain. It's cold, wet, and ruins a good hair-day. But it is a necessary "evil." Without a little gloom, there is no growth (or rainbows if you want to get Hallmark about it).

I know the feeling that you are talking about. It is be healthy, and even, productive to review your mistakes and regrets… but not when your brain gets stuck on a loop. It would be different if you were in the moment, or had the ability to effect/right the outcome. You can feel the difference. It feels like a punch to the gut, your breath catches, and you actually flinch when you are just remembering it. Obsessing over something that you can no longer change is fruitless.

Mistakes are how we learn. It is healthy to remember them, and even, to feel guilty over them. Your conscience is what makes you human. But don’t get stuck in the loop.

If you can change or effect the outcome from a certain incident, then yes, think on it, but try to do it objectively. Try to picture some one close to you telling you about it, like a sister or friend. What advice would you give them? Would you condemn them to feel like sh** forever over it?

If there is nothing you can do, then you have to try to forgive yourself. Human is synonymous with fallible. Mistakes = lessons. Learn them and try not to rinse and repeat.

Mistakes (or the sum of your experiences) make us who we are.
Therefore, there is no moving past them or leaving them behind.
But there is moving FOREWORD. Take your mistakes with you in a way that is not a weakness, but is a strength. You have learned now and will not repeat them. Just breathe through it, and focus on something you can feel proud of… like living through it.

[notallwhowander]

I agree that finding humor and letting time pass by are important to healing, and part of both of those things is learning how to laugh at myself and not take myself so seriously. Maybe then, each mistake I make or have made won't seem to define me so much...
As far as making things right with the people I've wronged, I just wonder if that isn't a selfish desire. I don't want to force people to forgive me, or make them relive something that may have been confusing or painful for them as well. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that we're only ever as good as our last goodbyes (i.e. leaving things broken, hurt, or unclear keeps the relationship/friendship in this perpetual state of being broken, hurt and unclear).
Paynful, how do I forgive myself? Conceptually, I can read what you wrote and agree with your advice, but I can't seem to put it into practice. It's created this strange time loop where I find myself in the same mental place that I was weeks, months, and even years ago. I'm reminded of the song 'Keep Breathing'; "The storm is coming, but I don't mind. People are dying, I close my blinds. All that I know is I'm breathing. I want to change the world... instead, I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me. But all I can do is keep breathing."

[Fuzzybear]

[paynful]

To forgive yourself... I completely agree. It is easier said than done. I want to say that you forgive yourself, because you deserve it. But that is not true for everyone or every mistake.

Only you can decide if you deserve it. Just as your feelings are your own, no one can make you feel a certain way unless you let them. Once again, easier said than done. It depends on the mistake. Only once you feel that you have EARNED it, can you forgive yourself. At least, that is how my brain works. It is a process. So typically, I ask myself certain questions:

Was it intentional?
Did I act in malice or self-sabotage?
Would I do things differently if I could?
If I did do things differently, would it be self-serving or to better the situation for others (if it involves others)?
Have I learned or suffered enough? What is enough?
If I am only dwelling on my own guilt, what can it change?

The questions go on and on until I figure out if these feelings serve me or hurt me… more importantly, how is it all serving the “wronged” party?

I say keep breathing, because it is a calming/meditating technique that has been helpful for me. The brain loop that keeps spinning out of control needs to be jarred into finding a conclusion. It is MY life. Will my mistakes out weigh my accomplishments? Only if I let them, because as long as I am still breathing, it is my choice.

That being said… my depression can be all consuming at times. There is no help for it. You might feel guilty for closing those blinds while people die, but what could you possibly do when you are fighting your own life? Sometimes, you have to be selfish, and that is OKAY. It has to be. You deserve to be okay, too. You deserve happiness as much as the next guy.

I know it sounds silly, but… if you are on a crashing plane, you put on your oxygen mask first so you stay conscious long enough to help the person next to you. You have to know that you would if you could. Until you are able to take care of your own needs, it would be selfish to help others when you can only half-*ss it.

When it comes to confronting those mistakes… whether or not to go to a person to seek forgiveness or understanding… double-edged sword. It is DANGEROUS to put yourself in that position without preparing yourself. While you hope for the best, you MUST prepare for the worst. Even if you deserve forgiveness, the other person might not be healthy enough to give it to you, or they might just not “be there” yet.

If you decide that it is worth the risk, you have to go into the apology in a manner that HONORS you. Don’t do it if you are just looking for a specific reaction. It hardly ever plays out the way you want or expect. Know that all you can do is be genuine. Speaking your peace has to be enough in itself. Your closure is knowing that you did what you could. You tried.