[forgotten]

Hi, I have already posted this elsewhere but I havent had any success with getting rid of the problem, solving it or whatever else. So if you may please help.

.ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P {padding:0px;} .ExternalClass body.EC_hmmessage {font-size:10pt;font-family:Verdana;} I need help, desperately, but have run out of places to turn. What I want is advice, suggestions anything or anything that can change me. Please, i'm desperate.

Anyway, this is my story. I have been depressed since childhood but only received any form of treatment when I was 16 after attemptting to kill myself. After that I became an in patient for a few weeks, where I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder and put on a low dose of anti-depressants. I also had counseling and CBT, both unsuccessful.

About 2 months later I returned (after a few short admissions) after attempting suicide again. Please note on both attempts I did not expect to wake up the next morning, but did not go to all lengths to ensure death. I also started self harming in between the 2 long admissions, reason being when I self harmed it eased the constant nagging thoughts of death. I was tried on a higher dose of anti-depressants and later in the several month long admission on a low dose of anti-psychotics. My current medication (the same since leaving hospital 3 months ago) is 325mg efexor and 10mg zyprexa. Another thing that started about 1/4 way through the admission was constant purging (started off at once a day, later turned into up to 7 times a day). The reason is complicated. I'm very obsessive, and always have been with food. Long story short I have gone through several stages of large weight loss (after greatly restricting) and each time gained back more. One of these "stages" occured during my admission, and I was forced to eat and later tube fed. **. I started the purging after that. They never found out and still dont know. My life went from being obsessed about mental health to being obsessed with being thin (I cant explain. It became my life, it consumed me, and still does) *by the way im still fat. I went from a BMI of 24.5 to My current BMI of 18.

Currently (and since discharge) Im not going great. I still want to be dead, but am obsessed with dying because of malnutrition, for many reasons. Instead of killing myself when I cant handle life I just try to sleep and convince myself death will come soon anyway.

WHat do i do? Nothings working for me, nothings changing and it seems nothing ever will. I cant tell anyone I know about this and refuse to thats why im asking you.

**I was tube fed because of constant dizziness, and weight loss of 6kg in 2 weeks. Later found out the dizziness was actually caused by a reaction I had to one of the medications and probably the weight loss too

[Diffio]

Hi!

I'd like to understand what is happening with you but after reading your post I still do not understand what is the problem with food?

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( forgotten )))))))))))))

Do you see a therapist currently? Sometimes it takes several tries to find the right therapist for you, it is very important to be able to be open with a therapist. I really think you should tell a doctor or therapist about your obsession with losing weight, there is help out there. As far as your medication goes, it takes a while to find the right mix for each person and it usually takes working closely with a doctor or psychiatrist, while telling them exactly what is going on with you so they can help.
Keep trying, things can get better.

[justfloating]

((((((((((((((forgotten))))))))))))))))))

I agree with gimmeice, therapy would probably be a lot of help -- it's doing wonders for me. I'm sorry you can't tell anyone close to you about the problems you're having, but have you ever considered calling a crisis line in the times that you're having constant thoughts of death or feeling particularly low? Sometimes it helps to just talk everything out, sort of like expelling a lot of those negative thoughts that are building up inside your head. It's not a solution to the thoughts, but it might help alleviate some of the pain when it gets really bad. It's totally confidential and you would be speaking to trained professionals who might also be able to give you advice.

Hang in there. It might not seem like it now, but there's always hope.

[madisgram]

welcome to pc, forgotten. i'm glad you found us! your story posed some concerns. like others have stated, therapy can be a very useful tool to help any of us learn new coping skills, problem solve, and disposing of "old tapes" (falsehoods) about ourselves that we believe are truths.
having said that if we do not actively engage with out therapist and speak about the things that are bothering us we will gain nothing. the therapist can only help us if we allow them to do so and give them the info they need about ourselves. your not revealing about your purging while getting help is a good example of not utilizing what we have before us to help us. i'm not busting you, please understand, just telling you what i had to learn too. i encourage you to try therapy again. there is much to unravel here and i feel you can benefit as i did with the assistance of someone qualified to help.
hope this reply may help you in some way. i hoep you will continue to post and seek answers. that is a positive step in the right direction.

[trevorzero]

I think that it is a critical issue that you have chosen to not open up to the people around you regarding the burdensome problems that you are facing.

You are living a lie - playing a role - hiding from other people (and from yourself). You are showing a certain contempt for other people by not revealing yourself to them. You don't want anybody in the real world to know who you really are.

But there are people around you right now who desire to get to know the genuine you. Give them a chance to do so. Stop pretending that you are "fine," and you'll discover there are people who will truly care for you and about you. Good luck.

[forgotten]

I just wanted to thank everyone who replied to my post. It may take a little while but when I am ready I will talk to someone about whats been happening and just hope for the best.Thanks again

Originally Posted by forgotten

I just wanted to thank everyone who replied to my post. It may take a little while but when I am ready I will talk to someone about whats been happening and just hope for the best.Thanks again

Hi Forgotten ,

have you been hooked up with a forensic psychologist who specilizes i eating disorders ? .

Mine was good except for one minor glitch that upon refelction could be seen as a desparte suggestion for someone who could not stop the food cycle .

Im telling you right up front.

its possible to have childhood sexual abuse completely removed from your concious awareness .

It takes a real pro to see the signs . they are out there.

I had hypnonisis tried on me a couple of times as well .

your feeling hopeless.
I know what thats like to feel so totally hopeless .day in and day out.

to be alone in it with absolutely no family support except to play with your mind .

you must FIGHT this drive to destroy yourself . theres a reason for it and you are not the one who put it there on your own accord.

I can't tell from adam or Joesephine if you have a past that was so horrible that you can't remember a thing.

I see the signs . in you as you type .

You need help .

and a place "within you" that you can surrender to the possibility that there are other reasons as to why you want to exit .

For me it was the hopelessness of the food . I just couldn't get a handel on it .

I had a tremendous psychic shift after the regression . It enabled me to do what ever i needed to do to stop. the food and move on from there. And it ain't been easy at all.

I belive i have ADD and always have,

thats my strugle now .
and yet another area where I feel responsible yet Ive worked and done everything I can think of and my mind just won't stop shifting.

it aint fragmentaion , it aint acting out to avoid some deep internal pain pain . Ive faced my pain . and still face it as it presents itself .

I just now have the pain of repeate wash and re rinse from others .

the feeling of being piginholed and traped . but not heard or listened to .


just a bit of a frustration unloading here. rant .

I keep stoping by here.

I feel bad when I see individuals so forgotten . such as you.

I was one and I sort a still am .

its a journey , Forgotten

and its one for you to know you .

And your worth it .

Take care

Patricia