[justfloating]

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, mostly because I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I think ... "heavy" might be a good word to describe it. On the outside, I know that I've seemed fine. I'm home for spring break, and I've been catching up with family, making plans with friends, just relaxing ... but on the inside, it's like there's this voice at the back of my mind is trying to tell me something, and I can't quite hear it. It's a little like that uneasy feeling you get when you KNOW you've forgotten something, but you just don't know what that something is.

I feel a little bit lost, I think. My counsellor said something about getting to be myself again, when the depression wears off. But the depression started setting in so long ago that I can't really remember who that person was. The only "me" I really know is the depressed version, and what's sad is that recovery from that depression allows me to realize it's not who I am, then I start getting depressed because I have no idea who I ACTUALLY am. This has started really scaring me. What if I hate this new version of me? What if she's just as much of a failure, and it wasn't the illness that was making things difficult so much as the fact that I really am socially, motivationally, academically stunted. Maybe the feeling I had of not having a future ... wasn't just a feeling.

Except ... I think I'm feeling better, too. I think the depression's going away. So why am I having these thoughts? How do I fight them when I'm ALREADY fighting with everything I've got?

Does this make any sense? I hate that my counsellor is back in Scotland. I don't know what I'm going to do without her while I'm home for the summer. I feel like I'm on very thin ice, like if I"m not very, very careful, the depression's going to grab hold of me and ruin my entire spring break at home.

[Puffyprue]

)((((((((((((((((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))))))))))

Originally Posted by justfloating

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, mostly because I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I think ... "heavy" might be a good word to describe it. On the outside, I know that I've seemed fine. I'm home for spring break, and I've been catching up with family, making plans with friends, just relaxing ... but on the inside, it's like there's this voice at the back of my mind is trying to tell me something, and I can't quite hear it. It's a little like that uneasy feeling you get when you KNOW you've forgotten something, but you just don't know what that something is.

I feel a little bit lost, I think. My counsellor said something about getting to be myself again, when the depression wears off. But the depression started setting in so long ago that I can't really remember who that person was. The only "me" I really know is the depressed version, and what's sad is that recovery from that depression allows me to realize it's not who I am, then I start getting depressed because I have no idea who I ACTUALLY am. This has started really scaring me. What if I hate this new version of me? What if she's just as much of a failure, and it wasn't the illness that was making things difficult so much as the fact that I really am socially, motivationally, academically stunted. Maybe the feeling I had of not having a future ... wasn't just a feeling.

Except ... I think I'm feeling better, too. I think the depression's going away. So why am I having these thoughts? How do I fight them when I'm ALREADY fighting with everything I've got?

Does this make any sense? I hate that my counsellor is back in Scotland. I don't know what I'm going to do without her while I'm home for the summer. I feel like I'm on very thin ice, like if I"m not very, very careful, the depression's going to grab hold of me and ruin my entire spring break at home.

after noon,

What you wrote " Does it make any sense?" YES

I don't do depression in the slightest form... I compare my depression to being a zombie, tough that be so I'd wouldn't be typing write now.

No matter where you are: school break.... school with that teacher...
with family...

Getting back to self again... I don't care for that term.

We're going forward. So this depression may be going toward an okay place. Maybe you're at a soft spot/floating.

It's okay to be.

I'm glad I stopped and read your post. It gave me a spot to float.....

I'd like to be floating over the beautiful green grass of Scotland - that's a for sure thing.

Hugs to you

[kaytibear]

Your post makes sense to me. I would try reaching out to a trusted friend during the break and also looking up the nearest mental health clinics around you so you know where to go for help if you need it. Keep a crisis line number handy.
My heart goes out to you. Hang in there

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( just floating ))))))))))))))))))
Sending you some hugs.
Your post definitely makes sense to me, hopefully things will get better for you soon.

[Pomegranate]

Change is scary, even good change. If you feel like you are getting over your depression, a depression you say has lasted a long time, that could feel scary to you.

You are, in a way, becoming a new person. You are slowly becoming a healthier, happier, stronger, more adaptable person. You are starting to like yourself, take care of yourself and feel self esteem. So you are turning into a new improved you, and that's different, thus it leaves you feeling uneasy. Change, even good change, is stressful.

Also if all you've known is depression, to feel it leaving you can make you feel uneasy also. It's different. "Something's missing." But that's good!

You should try to find a therapist you can see while you are home, especially if you will be home for an extended period of time. You don't want to lose the progress you've made. And perhaps just the thought of being without the support of a therapist while you are home is also making you feel uneasy. You need to take care of yourself all the time, not just at school.

[turquoisesea]

I think it's not so much as "going back" ... that would mean having to do everything over again.

I think it's discovering your new refreshed self.

[miray]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Change is scary, even good change. If you feel like you are getting over your depression, a depression you say has lasted a long time, that could feel scary to you.

You are, in a way, becoming a new person. You are slowly becoming a healthier, happier, stronger, more adaptable person. You are starting to like yourself, take care of yourself and feel self esteem. So you are turning into a new improved you, and that's different, thus it leaves you feeling uneasy. Change, even good change, is stressful.

Also if all you've known is depression, to feel it leaving you can make you feel uneasy also. It's different. "Something's missing." But that's good!

You should try to find a therapist you can see while you are home, especially if you will be home for an extended period of time. You don't want to lose the progress you've made. And perhaps just the thought of being without the support of a therapist while you are home is also making you feel uneasy. You need to take care of yourself all the time, not just at school.

Very well put! Hang in there Rebecca!!

[justfloating]

Thanks for all your kind words and advice, all. I REALLY appreciate it!

Today, I was feeling reasonably okay. I spent most of the day with my mom, sister, and one of my brothers. Then I went in to see a friend this evening, and hung out with her until fairly late. That was when it changed. My mom called me, and I could tell she was upset -- in all fairness, I probably SHOULD have called her, but I was catching up with a good friend, I was feeling REALLY good and having a great time, and I just lost all track of time -- and she lectured me about being responsible and how my dad was worrying about me and how they weren't going to sleep well until I was home (which made me feel guilty even though I was with a friend, in her house, looking at her vacation pictures -- of all the worrisome things to be doing!) and while I was under their roof I had to follow their rules. The thing is... my parents have very, very rarely laid down any rules for me. I've made it my goal in life to be the "perfect" daughter. We rarely argue (because I just agree with them all the time), I rarely get in trouble (because I do whatever I'm told), I rarely worry them (because it makes me feel guilty, so I make sure they know what I'm doing all the time), and I help out with my siblings/grandparents/chores/etc (because it's an unspoken expectation). So when she told me I had to follow their rules, I felt annoyed, but also guilty because I instantly thought I wasn't being good enough. I instantly felt so hopeless and invisible -- like I didn't exist independently of my family anymore. My whole life, I have been what they needed me to be -- confidant, babysitter, chauffeur, student, helper -- and although I'm proud of that, it also makes me feel lost. In being what everyone else has needed or wanted me to be, I never stopped to be who I wanted to be. I've always laid my own life aside for them in one way or another, never saying no, never arguing my case, never pointing out when they were wrong and just agreeing with whatever they said. And when my mom called me tonight, I heard myself agreeing with how irresponsible I was being for worrying her, and it felt like I was putting back on a costume that was suddenly two sizes too small.

I don't know who I am. But I DO know who I don't want to be. And I don't want to be the one who is always under her family's thumb. I don't want to feel like I owe my parents for my existance, and I don't want to feel as inferior to the rest of my family as I've somehow managed to feel. I don't want to be pushed to be someone/somewhere I don't, and I think that what I need is distance from my family while I try to figure out who and where I do want to be. I've been living my life for them too long, and I got lost somewhere along the way. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I miss them while I'm away, and my parents love me and have sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings, and we have never wanted for anything, and I know they just want what's best for us ... I just don't know how I'm going to reconcile who I was/had to be for them, and who I am becoming/want to be for myself.

I want to curl up in a ball and ignore it all. If I close my eyes I keep thinking everything will just go away, or at the very least I won't have to deal with it for a while. I feel lost and alone and maybe it'd just be easier to give up and give in to whatever the world needs than bother struggling to figure out what I need instead. I don't have the energy and my will power is pretty much shot. But I also know that's the depression taking hold. And I don't want that either...

[turquoisesea]

I'm sorry, it sounds like they're putting alot of guild on you. That's really not fair, it happens a lot to me too.

You really don't have to owe them anything

wish I had more advice but sending hugs ...

[leacon]

Sweetie (hope you do not mind my saying that) Parents can be a royal pain. I know this from experience. The only way you can break the cycle is by standing up for yourself and telling them to treat you as an adult. Parents have the tendency for thinking things will be the same when you come back home, but you have grown beyond what they remember you to be. You need to show them by standing up to them and generally showing responsibilty. If you do this eventually they will treat you better and you will not be becoming depressed because of the lack of respect from them.

[manekineko]

I agree with leacon - parents do tend to revert back to how things were when you lived permanently under their roof. I know my parents do that and I've been living on my own, in another state, with my own job/career for nearly two years! I come home and they still treat me like I can't do anything for myself and give me the same old lectures. Anyway! Try talking to your parents and tell them how you feel. Confronting them in a mature way will help your case and prove to them that you really are becoming an adult. Your parents obviously love you and care about you very much so I'm sure they'll be happy to work with you. Good luck!