new and in despair

Hi all, I'm a longtime member but haven't really posted till now.

My short story: I feel like a failure. I'm an Ivy League graduate doing grunt work (with terrible attendance because of my mood), sob before getting up in the mornings, and have pain issues to boot. I'm exhausted all the time. What cheers me up is bad for me: soma and any vicodin-type painkillers I can scam. I had a breakdown a few years ago and scared my family and friends and have 'learned' from that i.e. I don't talk about my current state, which is not good.

I can't see myself living another 40+ years wanting it to end and feeling trapped by religion so I can't do the deed. I've dealt with this since college--about 15 years. The only antidepressant that worked (about two years) has now gone kaput.

I'm just over it all. I have family and friends who love me and that keeps me alive as well.

Thanks for listening.

I feel your pain and I also understand where you are coming from.
I also do not talk to my family about my present problems but I will have to this week because of social obligations that I cannot deal with right now and I just have to hope that they will understand, and if they dont, I will deal with that too.
But you mention that you have friends and family who care for you, if they are present they might be aware that you are going through something and might be afraid to bring it up, maybe therapy might help you.
I have been on anti-depressants also and they stopped working for me so I am working with my doctor to find something that will help my current state.
I also understand how having family who cares helps you to keep on going, during hard times, the thought of my 2 daughters has kept me alive.
You are very lucky to have people who love you, dont ever forget that!
I hope you soon feel better and although I am struggling myself these days and do not pretend to know what you should do, I do beleive you should talk to someone.

Thanks so much, idontknow. I had a really bad day today and also a death in the family and things get really intense (as you guys probably know). I also feel guilty that I feel better in relationships; shouldn't I be able to be okay by myself? I just feel like people who love life get theirs ended short and people like me who are miserable lead long, terrible lives.

Hi,

First of all, lots of hugs.
I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible right now. Have you been to see a doctor or therapist about how you're feeling? If anti-depressants worked for you before, there's a good chance that they'll work for you again. If you can't get the kind you were on before, there are more meds out there that can still help, maybe even better than they were. I understand not being able to talk to your family -- I still have a hard time telling them how I feel and how I'm doing, and when I do it usually ends in tears for me and absolute panic for them because they don't know what to do.

Also, try not to feel guilty about feeling better in relationships. Humans are social animals -- we crave each others' company, so that's why we tend to feel better when we're with each other than on our own. You should be able to respect yourself whether you're in a relationship or not, and you should not be in a relationship for the sake of being in one, but there is nothing wrong with feeling good when you are and not wanting to be alone.

Thanks for posting, and I hope things start looking up for you.

Thanks to you all. I had a low point yesterday and am feeling somewhat better today: got hair done, am off work tomorrow...just distressed that bad feelings are right there in the shadows.

First, I'm glad to here things are going better right now. I can certainly understand the vicodine thing. My mom has given me a few for back pain...but they make me feel way too good, I avoid them like the plague.

This may seem like common sense for you, but I'm sure your doc is going to want you to address the substance abuse stuff. I've seen alot of people that use those things in place of meds or anti-depressants that can help them allow them to function at the same time.

I know you are not happy in your current job but an Ivy League degree is something to be proud of, no matter what. That can't be taken from you.

congrats

Thanks so much! You know, I feel like I should be accomplishing more, but for now, I'm ok.

hey there, just wanted to say hi and nice to see you posting

a bit low on words right now but did want to drop a line and say hi