what to do?

How much do other people influence our depression? Is there a way of identifying if the people closest to us are, in fact, bad for us? I know it seems like a silly question, like "if they make you feel bad, they shouldn't be part of your life", but sometimes I don't think it's that simple. I had a big blowup with a friend a little while ago, and that was actually a huge turning point for me in recovering from my depression. All the same, I miss him very much, but I'm afraid that if I try to fix our friendship, I'm just going to end up right back where I started. How am I supposed to figure out what I can handle without doing a tailspin back into depression in the process?

I just wanted to say, GREAT questions!!! (Not silly at all.)
and I very curious to see if anyone has any insight on this. (I wish did.)

Yes, I do think toxic people can affect depression, or any other mood issue.

The rub lies in how do you identify someone as toxic, an unfixable situation really?

I just repaired some friendships while coming out of a horrible very severe depression. They were great. Basically they said "welcome back" and I can tell they care about me very much. They are supporting me when I need them.

The toxic people in my life unfortunately include my parents. I do not want to cut them out of my life. So I have relegated them to the "check in once in a while, fair weather friend" role. For now. Maybe with therapy I can fix that but I have decided to work on myself for now.

Try repairing the friendship. The friend's reaction may help you decide. But the decision is ultimately yours.

Hon
Just a thought. How much more help did you get from letting your feelings out as opposed to not seeing your friend? Rather if your depression lifted because you let your friend know how you felt, the person may not be toxic. If your friend is someone who puts you down in overt or subtle ways, the friend is toxic and you should not try to repair the friendship.
Good Luck

oh i don't feel that your question was silly at all...i think you show a good perception about ppl that create a negative aura in our lives. i had to learn this in therapy so that goes to show how befuddled i was. i'd have something happen with ppl in my life and boom i would be so depressed. what i learned was coping skills to offset the depression and also that there were some ppl in my life that were not healthy for me.
my t told me to go with my gut instinct rather than second guess myself. i was always giving the other person too much of the benefit of the doubt. so as for your friend...it sounds like your gut instinct is telling you this person may not be a good thing to have in your life.
hope this helps and keep us posted, k? we do care for you.

Thanks for all your advice, everyone, I really appreciate it.

I think that for now, I'm not going to do anything about my friendship. Maybe when I'm a little further along in my therapy, maybe once school's over so that I only have to deal with one stress at a time. I think you're right, madisgram, right now my gut is telling me that he's not a great influence in my life. Maybe when I feel a bit better and more secure that will change, but for now I think he might just hold me back.

I was thinking about it, and I'm not entirely sure how much I miss HIM so much as the place that he occupied in my life. He was the one person I could run to about anything. He would call me in the middle of the day to make sure I'd gotten out of bed for at least long enough to shower and have something to eat (that's when the depression was at its worst). But I was also too dependent on him, and I think that while it's great for us to have that kind of support while we're depressed, in the end we have to do the majority of the fighting on our own, and get used to standing on our own two feet instead of leaning on someone else. The only one we can ever really depend on 100% is ourself, it's just that I was not confident enough to think of myself as strong enough to sustain my own happiness. Now that I'm feeling better, I find myself missing him only when things are starting to get tough again, when I feel like I need a crutch instead of dealing with life's problems on my own.

Oh, I'm babbling now. Anyways, thanks for all your help, everyone. I love you all.

I think this is a really good thread. I used to always wonder this myself, and I could never decide. I used to think my ex was bad for me but now I know that he wasn't but like justfloating I was too dependant on other people to make me happy.

I agree. This is an excellent thread.
Like a prior post said if someone puts you down makes fun of you etc. that is not good.
Something no one has mentioned is that ,"Depression is anger turned inward" according to a book by Louise Hayes. I have found at times that it is true for me. If I am angry I can be more depressed than usual but have good fight ( a healthy one with both talking) and i feel so much better and lighter and releaved. Is that how you mean? I have learned also not to make a quick decision as an hour from now it might be different. Tomorrow or the next day my whole outlook might be different. Your smart to wait awhile.

Maybe we place too much of our self-worth in other people. What I mean by this is that maybe, when that special friend or special friends/relative/etc doesn't call us every fifteen minutes, when they forget something we told them in passing last week, when they're not there for us every fifteen minutes and when their lives don't revolve around us completely -- the depression tricks us into thinking it's because they really don't care about us at all. Rationally, we know that's not the case -- we know people have lives and things to do and other people they also need to see, but the depression messes that up so that no matter how rational we try to be, we are left wanting nothing but to be told by that person how much we matter, and we ourselves will not feel that we matter until they tell us so.

That is dangerous. I don't mean it in a "I don't need anybody else because I should be comfortable enough with myself to be perfectly independent" sort of way. I just think that in order to have healthy, lasting relationships of any kind, we need to be more aware of ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves, sometimes, and we need to find a way to be alone without hating ourselves for it. Because we can't always be with the people we love -- sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we are going to have to be in our own company, and it's easier if you learn to get along with or be comfortable with yourself than constantly fight and rely on someone else to take you away.

I think I spend too much time trying to make other people happy and sometimes forget to make myself happy or take me time. Sometimes as well I put a person on a pedastal and if they don't meet the (ridiculous) expectations in my head I get disappointed, but I don't get angry at them, only at myself, which makes me depressed. It's so silly, I'm not even sure that makes sense.

Also I don't take compliments well, but where you were saying all you want to know is that you matter to someone, I feel like that when I'm depressed, but if someone tells me it it makes me feel bad and i get annoyed at them.. how backwards is that?