[justfloating]

I don't feel good. I don't know why. I've done absolutely nothing today except go for a walk and eat a whole tub of sorbet while I watched tv. I want to cry but I can't. I have to start classes again tomorrow and I only have to sit in lectures for a total of two hours, it shouldn't be that bad but for some reason I am absolutely DREADING it. I was going to get myself organized today but I woke up and just didn't have the motivation. I set my alarm early and everything, but when my alarm went off I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I can't be bothered to do the reading I was supposed to do this weekend, to put together yet another stupid presentation or essay, to put my mind to any of the things I'm studying since they don't matter in the long run anyways -- all I need is an undergraduate degree so I can get into the grad school I want, it doesn't even matter what I take because I want to go into creative writing so they don't really care that now I'm in French and linguistics so long as I present them with a piece of paper to say that I spent four years in school before I went to them. I have no interest in these subjects anymore -- I don't care about doing analyses of the first 30 words of the D section of the French dictionary (couldn't make this stuff up if I tried) or reading yet another novel where we will sit around and analyse the same literary concepts that we have been looking at since we all learned to read. I JUST DON'T CARE and it BOTHERS me that I don't care! Why don't I care?! I used to love this stuff! I used to BREATHE this stuff. I was so excited to get back to it a few days ago but now I would rather be doing anything but studying. It's too late for me to change my major too, so because of the way the system is set up I'm pretty much doomed to sit through two more years of this stuff before I can get to where I really want to go. How am I supposed to do this for TWO MORE YEARS?!
I just want to go to sleep and wake up at graduation.

[bestillandknow]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I don't feel good. I don't know why. I've done absolutely nothing today except go for a walk and eat a whole tub of sorbet while I watched tv. I want to cry but I can't. I have to start classes again tomorrow and I only have to sit in lectures for a total of two hours, it shouldn't be that bad but for some reason I am absolutely DREADING it. I was going to get myself organized today but I woke up and just didn't have the motivation. I set my alarm early and everything, but when my alarm went off I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I can't be bothered to do the reading I was supposed to do this weekend, to put together yet another stupid presentation or essay, to put my mind to any of the things I'm studying since they don't matter in the long run anyways -- all I need is an undergraduate degree so I can get into the grad school I want, it doesn't even matter what I take because I want to go into creative writing so they don't really care that now I'm in French and linguistics so long as I present them with a piece of paper to say that I spent four years in school before I went to them. I have no interest in these subjects anymore -- I don't care about doing analyses of the first 30 words of the D section of the French dictionary (couldn't make this stuff up if I tried) or reading yet another novel where we will sit around and analyse the same literary concepts that we have been looking at since we all learned to read. I JUST DON'T CARE and it BOTHERS me that I don't care! Why don't I care?! I used to love this stuff! I used to BREATHE this stuff. I was so excited to get back to it a few days ago but now I would rather be doing anything but studying. It's too late for me to change my major too, so because of the way the system is set up I'm pretty much doomed to sit through two more years of this stuff before I can get to where I really want to go. How am I supposed to do this for TWO MORE YEARS?!
I just want to go to sleep and wake up at graduation.

Honey, I can't get past the whole tub of sorbet you ate, and the effect that had on your body hence, brain. You need to get all that sugar out of your system, eat some protein, kiddo. Well-you have to go to your lecture tomorrow, but it's not tomorrow yet. Think about it-you've placed yourself in that lecture all day today by your frame of mind. Same goes
for projects you lack motivation for. Using manic energy to do school work doesn't work when you're depressed and putting yourself through
a virtual drudge, which is what it sounds like your wasting a day you've actually chosen to have off.
Try music, listen to some tunes and just scrub this day. Tomorrow is a new day, and you need to start it w/ a healthy breakfast.
You might want go back to the original decisions you made about your course of educational pursuits. Find a friend (or therapist), even make a list of the reasons you chose to pursue this course.
If the 'mood pirates' didn't dictate those choices, they were sound choices, and you can blame the mood pirates (and blood sugar levels) for
this goofy day. You can't wrestle w/ it anymore-isn't it useless?

[jetblackaura]

Oh justfloating, i know exactly how you're feeling!!!

University is just not made for depressed people. I need routine and structure to keep me going. When i was in 2nd year of university I was really having a rough time and I HATED my course, however, I decided that if i stick with it at least until 3rd year I'd have a degree at least. Then I really enjoyed 3rd year and decided to stay for my 4th year(honours), and although I would've regretted it if I hadn't stayed on I made some bad choices with projects and things and it's been an absolute nightmare. But you just have to think that at one point you really wanted to do it, and think about what you will get out of it at the end.

Stick in there.

Hope you make to lectures tomorrow.

[leacon]

Hon-
Sounds as if you have hit a low. Try not to feel guilty about it. This will only deepen the low. As what has been said consider today an off day and you will still have tomorrow to begin again.
On a different note, I have been impressed with your caring in this forum. Have been following you for a few weeks and I am always happy to respond to your posts.

[justfloating]

(((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))

I hate this. I just want to rage and scream and cry and throw an absolute FIT against the depression! Why me? How come I can't get out of bed? How come I can't get up and get my day started? How come I can't concentrate or care or feel anything but guilt over the time I'm wasting? How come I had to get sick like this? How come I can't be NORMAL?

I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I can't even get dressed. I was doing so well. I was feeling better, I was starting to hope again. And then, out of nowhere, I wake up yesterday and I feel awful. Today, I woke up and I feel no better. I keep trying to tell myself this feeling will pass, that it's not going to last forever and I'm going to be fine, but I can't! I can't I can't I can't! Life has gotten too hard. I feel so trapped by it all.

I know for me that the more i rant and say "i can't do this any more" the deeper i get into my hole. The worse the depression gets. I'm not minimizing for sure because I KNOW how dreadful it gets.

You CAN get thru the next minute. Then after that you CAN get thru the next....and the next minute, and the next minute. I have to do that sometimes, just break up the day into minutes. One minute at a time.
One little task at a time. Sitting up in bed. Sitting on the side of the bed.
Putting feet on the floor. I CAN, I CAN, I CAN.

Move forward and don't try and analyze why you are in this place. Put your energy into moving forward, one little minute one little task at a time. Talk yourself into it. Just like you would a child...with love, with encouragement, with humor. You CAN do it.

Breathe, eat something good for you, give thanks for the day, for the moment.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I JUST DON'T CARE and it BOTHERS me that I don't care! Why don't I care?!

Hello, Just Floating. I ask myself the same questions. If you – or anyone else here – arrive at good answers to these, please let me know. I've long been adrift in a sea of apathy and guilt.

Peace to you.

[miray]

((((((Just floating)))))) I have to agree with white iris. Sometimes when the depression seems to be paralyzing I find myself working on getting through the next minute...up to half hour...hour...day. I also tell myself in awhile it will all be in my past. It seems like the more pressure the worse it is so try not to put a certain amount of time frame...just get through it as you can.

[justfloating]

Thank you all so much. I have no idea what I'd do without you.

Feeling a bit better today. The morning was pretty rough -- it took me three hours to get out of bed, but I did it and I even managed to get to one of my two lectures for the day.

Thanks to you all again. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have a place where people understand what I'm going through. I hope you're all doing all right.