[msonnenfelt]

Well I had scheduled my very first appointment this morning to speak to a therapist about my depression, and I missed it. My husband and I got in a arguement over his job and I was a mess so I didn't go.

I am 28 years old and since I can remember I have been depressed, both mild to severe. It seems to get worse as I get older. I have suicidal thoughts daily it seems. Just one little thing sets me on a downward path. The only person I have ever told is my husband, because I can't hide it from him. He told me to get in the DR or he was gonna call 911. So I did schedule the appt, but again missed it because of a stupid disagreement.

I can remember being 10 years old and writing in my journal about how I wanted to die....even going as far as writing letters to my family. I look back and try to think "where did my life go wrong?" Seriously, I have a great family, parents are still married, have a older brother who I get along with...grew up pretty normal. I went to college, had a good career, got married, now I stay at home and I am working on post education stuff...

I can't put my finger on where this depression comes from. All I want is to be happy. Sometimes I think i should just leave my husband, and be alone, in fear of ever hurting him. Sometimes I think of suicide.....as an alternative!!

I just don't know what to do....I feel like I can't do anything, I wish my husband would just call 911 so I wouldn't have too admit my severe depression...

Can anyone help me??

[Melis85]

You should really go see a doctor if you are thinking of suicide. You might have to go on meds I hear it helps allot although I have never taken them myself. Leaving him or dieing will only hurt him more. You must mean the world to him and he loves you even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Keep going and really go and see the doctor before giving up, it might help you more than you think.

((hugs))

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((((msonnenfelt)))))

First, thank you for writing us, that took a lot of courage. Depression lies to us and comes and goes at its own will. I know about depression and it can grip you and seem to hold you it its grips until you feel you are suffocating and find no relief. Just the acknowledgement of it is the first step.

Getting to a doctor to get on something is a first step. Meds are not a bad thing. I have been on them for a long time and I really need them as there is different causes for that. You might think of seeing a therapist to help you sort out why you are feeling the way you do. It is not a bad thing. They are there to help you sort out and find what is bothering you.

Know that whatever it is, you did the right thing by coming here and reaching out. I understand feeling suicidal, but you are important and you have a purpose. Those feelings are feelings--and understandable but they can be worked through. Your life is something that even back at age 10 when you would write about wanting to die, something kept you going. I remember writing the same thing at a young age--I understand--but God has bigger plans-He is not done with me or with you.

Hun, you have already admitted the severe depression--that is half the battle. Your husband must love you and leaving him would hurt him more. I hope you will call someone for help. Reschedule that appointment, and maybe find a therapist. Just remember you are Important and It's Not Your Fault, it is the Depression lieing to you. Know we are here and we care. We are listening and want to help if you want to share anymore , or just sit here and be with you so you are not alone.

Thank you again for reaching out. Please see someone about how you are feeling. You are worth it. Know we care and that you do MATTER. Please let us know how you are doing.

dps

[idontknow13]

Darkpurplesecrets said it better than I could but I just want to add you are not alone. I had ideas of suicide at 8 years old and like you I had a normal family. I am much older than you but I can tell you I have suffered from depression all my life but there has been some very good moments also, some good years and that is what gives me hope, when those good days come I am very grateful.
I havent been around here very long but I can tell you it is filled with wonderful people who really care and will be here for you when you need it.
I hope you feel better soon