[idontknow13]

Dont really know why I am writing this except that I need to get it out and maybe someone will understand because I certainly dont.
I am on my 4th week of sick leave for severe depression and high anxiety and burnout. I am seeing a therapist and my doctor is working on changing my meds. I have been feeling a bit better for the last week, up and down, but better than the last 2 months. Since I have so much time on my hands, I have been doing a lot of thinking especially about work and I have come to realize I really dont want and cannot go back to that job, I can stay on sick leave for about 24 weeks without problems, my therapist tells me I am in no shape to make a decision but financially I cannot afford to just lie here and wait. Also I live with my 20yr. old daughter who lashes out at me every second day and I let her walk all over me and last night she told me that I do not suffer from depression, that I was just hurt by something that happened at work and I am acting like a spoiled brat and that I am just using my so-called depression to avoid life (work, social obligations, just plain living) and since I have been so down on myself lately I am starting to doubt my doctor, my T and my own state of mind. I know I cannot function like I used to, yesterday all I had to do was to meet with my T. which I did but it wiped me out. I know I cannot work 8 hrs. and everything it implies, I only go do my groceries and I come back exhausted.
I am sitting here crying, feeling so sad, so scared, so alone, so so mixed up.
People have always viewed me as a strong person because I have always been able to keep on going no matter what happened but right now my body and soul are telling me I cannot go on anymore but my brain tells me yes you can, get off your butt, go and face life.
I thought that just writing it would help me to see clearly or understand what is happening but it has just done the opposite, so mixed up, so scared...

[justfloating]

(((((((((((((((((idontknow))))))))))))))))))))

Sounds like everything's pretty much come down on you at once, huh? That's a pretty rotten deal.

Your T is right, it's not good to make big decisions when you're depressed. If you really do need to make one, though, it might be best to run it past someone you trust, who will have your best interests in mind and who will also be able to give you some sound judgement/advice on your potential decision. Making decisions isn't ideal when you're depressed, but doing it alone is much worse.

As for your daughter ... since when did 20 year-olds have medical/psychological degrees? People who aren't depressed have a hard time understanding the illness and can get frustrated with people who are suffering from it, and I think that we should forgive them for that when we can. But nobody other than a professional gets to tell you whether or not you are or are not depressed. I go through the same period of self-doubt where I can't believe I'm depressed, only that I must not be trying hard enough. But if your doctor and your T say you have depression, the healthiest thing for you to do right now is assume it's the depression telling you lies and disregard it and your daughter's opinion. You take all the time off work that you need. You're legitimately sick and you need to recuperate. If you had a broken leg no one would tell you to walk it off, and although mental illness is harder for us to understand than a physical one, it's still an illness and it still needs to be taken care of.

Sending you lots of hugs and good vibes. I hope things start looking a little less confusing and overwhelming too. You can beat this!

[Kaelia]

When you're depressed, even the most mundane things (like buying a few groceries) becomes a huge, tiring task. It can completely wear you out. Even just thinking can wear you out. I agree that you should hold off on making big decisions right now and focus on getting yourself better. Your daughter's negativity will only enable the depression more, so I hope you won't give in to her words. It's so easy to believe when people start saying bad things to you. But listen to the people here instead, these people care about you. So do I.

[turquoisesea]

Getting feelings out is important. I'm sorry those are negative feelings but I'm glad you posted.

Your daughter probably just doesn't understand. I don't think I would TRULY understand what it was like if I didn't have depression. I would be understanding, I would imagine something close maybe, but I think depression is something that can hit harder than people without it can know. How can you know how hard it can be just to get up? To MOVE? To want... to function...
It CAN look like laziness. Someone who was really lazy would do similar things (minus the crying) but... when they really had to they COULD, when they WANTED to they COULD. With depression you can't. that's a huge difference.

Please don't get down on yourself just because others around you are acting like you're just lazy.

wishing you the best, sending hugs

[leacon]

You are correct it is better to be away from work when you have severe depression. Trying to stay or go back would probably only push you down more. I speak from experience. Had a major problem at work which wore me down to the point of being suicidal and needing to go to a psychiatric ward. Do you have a way to retire on disability in Canada? You may need to do this because once you have burned out and become severely depressed it may take more than six months to recuperate. It has been two years for me now and I am still prone to bad memories. Take it easy and do what you need to do to maintain your life. The others here are correct do not let your daughter get you down. You deserve a lot of respect in fighting your problem at work, and nothing is wrong in saying you can not do it anymore.

[darkpurplesecrets]

First, I want to thank you for trusting us to write. That took courage and strength. I want to say that everything everyone here has said is so true and you deserve to be heard and validated for what you feel and are going through. I know how depression grabs you and it's grips are so tight you feel you are going to suffocate before it is ever going to end. I also know how your kids can tell you that you are not depressed and faking when you are hurting so bad that you cannot see anything in front of you.

Do not listen to depression for it lies to you. You are important and you do matter. I am glad that you came here and posted and that you gave us the chance to reach out to you and help hold you up in this time. Mentally you are worn down and you need to take care of you. For you are important and for you to get better you need time. How much--you and your t will know as you work through what you are going through.

We are always here day or night to listen and be a friend to help. Many of us, I for one have been where you are and still are. I am glad you are here. Your daughter is like many people, my children included, who have never really known what depression can do. I pray they never do. You are not lazy. As someone else said--it is hard to do anything when you find yourself hurting so much. At times living is all you can do--one moment-one second at a time. But you are doing it and that is what counts.

Please keep coming here and writing to us. I know the tears that you cry and the pain that you feel. It is not easy but know you are not alone. We care and will walk with you and even carry a flashlight in this darkness until you see a light, even a little shine begin at the top of this hole you are in. Know I care and will listen anytime you need someone to talk to.

Go ahead and cry, it is okay--I know fear-I know being mixed up-but you have taken the first step and you are not alone anymore.

dps

[Teddy_Blue]

What everyone has said is so true! This is my 3rd time off work and this time I'm not going back until I feel ready. You need to take all the time you need to, and not worry about how long you've been off or are going to be off. The last 2 times I was off work, I went back too soon, but felt the pressure society places on us all - the pressure that says if you're not working then you must be lazy or faking. This time I'm not giving into that pressure! And neither should you.

If money is a worry, you can apply for EI Sick Benefits when your sick time at work has run out.