[justfloating]

I'm exhausted. My whole body aches. I'm hungry. I know that all of this is making it hard to shut off the depressive voices right now, but it's like the colour is leaching out of the world. I can't even get up the energy to take care of myself even though I know eating something and maybe a hot shower before an early night to bed will make me feel better. I know it'll make me feel better but doing it is too hard. I just ... can't right now.

It hit this afternoon. It's because I'm tired, mostly. When I'm tired I get grumpy and basically invite the depression in. I was up until 4:30 am writing an essay, and although I felt all right when I woke up, by mid-afternoon I was just DONE. All of a sudden I could feel my body and mind slowing down, and the despair creeping in. I tried to distract myself. I went to my favourite cafe and tried to write, but I couldn't concentrate. I had to leave before I burst into tears in public, I was so frustrated with myself. Even writing this is hard, I have to think so hard before every word, it's like my mind is going in slow motion. I want to cry but I don't have the energy. I miss home. I miss my friends and family there. I'm not particularly close to anyone here, and it's so hard because all my best friends are a whole ocean away. I miss my dogs, they're my babies. I miss being able to hug them. I miss cuddling with them. I miss coming home to them, they're always so happy to see me. My dogs keep me sane but I see them so rarely now.

My counsellor says I'm recovering from my depression. So does the doctor. If I'm recovering, why do I feel like this? Why do I want to burst into tears? I think they made a mistake. I think I'm just as messed up as I've always been. I'm afraid I'm doomed to feel like this forever. I'm afraid I'll never get away from the depression. Right now I'd give anything to get away from myself, to get away from here. I want to go home. I want to see my dogs and be around people who speak with the same accent as me and not be stressed about final assignments and lie on my dock in the sunshine and read a book. I want to go for brunch with my best friend and I want to fall asleep in my own bedroom and I really want to eat some of my grandma's cooking. I just want to give up and run home with my tail between my legs, but I can't do that either. I have to keep going, somehow. I have to spend another two years so far away from all the things I miss. I have to spend another two years missing them. Two years ... it seems like forever.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))
I am sending you some hugs I know you said you don't feel like it but eating really may help, try to get some rest.

[pegasus]

(((((( justfloating )))))))

Sleep is real important, if we get enough of it then we can cope with a lot more being thrown at us in the daytime. I've done the studying until the small hours in the morning too but gradually learnt that it was best to put everything away before 2am at least! The body can cope with a few nights of that but not all the time. See if you can catch up on the sleep over the weekend.

Can you ring the people you are missing, any chance of taking a break, talk to them on the internet, email Grandma, get them to send you a pic of the dogs?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))

[Elysium]

(((((Justfloating)))))

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. It's hard enough being away from home without having to be depressed at the same time.

Try and remember, though you may be recovering from your depression there are going to be some slides backwords once in a while. The hope is as you recover, these slides will become less frequent and less severe. I know this probably doesn't help much, but I agree with the others that sleep is very important to help keep the depression away, so be patient with yourself and let your mind and body catch up on their rest.

Is there a possibility of you going home to visit over Summer break, or are you going to be working/taking classes? Is it possible for someone to come visit you?

Hang in there!! I'm here for you!!

Lots of hugs!!

[justfloating]

Thanks, all...

I'm going home for the summer. I leave at the end of may, and I'll be there until mid-September, which I'm really really looking forward to. Right now it's like the closer I get to going home, the farther away it seems... I don't want to call home today, I'm too upset, but if I feel a little better tomorrow I might do that.

I live in student residence, and some first-years in my corridor were throwing a birthday party tonight, so it's been extremely loud and made it impossible to sleep. Things seem to have settled down now so hopefully they're done for the night. I'm going to try and catch up on my sleep this weekend. I know it's not good for me to not sleep enough, and most of the time I'm very good at making sure I get at least 8 hours a night (preferably 9-10 if I can swing it) but this is crunch time -- I've got tests and essays coming at me from every direction. It's part of being a student. Unfortunately, student life is not always tailored to life with depression. Sigh.

Thanks for all your hugs and kind words. I feel better just knowing that I have this wonderful place to come to for support. I don't know what I'd do without you all.

[turquoisesea]

Low on words right now, but I wanted to say I read, and am wishing you well