hm, why bother

sorry if long. not meant to be directed at anyone here. general thing, was something i was typing for my T on word but turned kinda rant-y idk i doubt i'll show him, it doesn't make a load of sense, putting it here instead, idk maybe i'll delete it later. no, not meant to be a "pity" post. just had a ****ed up week and this is how i'm venting.

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I’m sick of this.

Life. Cruel, harsh, icy, evil, life. Tired of fear, tired of anger, tired of sadness, tired of lies and death and memories.

I ask it all the time, why do I bother? I don’t belong in this life. I don’t know what to grasp onto, what to feel, what to do. Keep pushing, just keep holding on, eventually you’ll get to that place where you’re better. I’ve been holding on for my entire bloody life. I’ve been dangling off a cliff since I was born. Holding on doesn’t seem appealing when what does life ever seem to promise? Death and pain, abandonment and lies, cruelty and blood.

Hang on for my family? They mean the world to me, but what good am I to them? I’m mental, I’m useless. What good is someone who can never be there?

I don’t matter. People know I don’t matter. If I scream loud enough people will express their concern but so few people actually care. They’ll notice when I scream but they won’t care. They won’t care when I suffer in silence. I have to scream to be seen. I’m so tired of screaming, but what else can I do? I can suffer in silence, that makes people happy. I guess that’s what I’m supposed to do. I guess that’s never changed. I’m still the little boy people are blind to.

I’ll slump up against my wall- what an awful week it’s been. And I keep wondering, why the hell am I still here. I’ll scream then tape my mouth shut again. People will politely tell me how I’m important, despite what they think, and leave me to suffer, pretending they can’t see these cuts and bruises, these eyes that beg to cry. Hell, why do I bother trying to be nice to people? They’ll just drop me, they won’t care inside, they put on that façade.

Although, I see why I'm worthless. Not here for my family, and I'm completely and utterly useless. What have I ever done for anyone?

After, what? Trudge along as always as keep going, trying to ignore the pain, ignore the monsters yelling inside of me, ignore the laughing in my head?

I’m not who I want to be. I am sick of this life. I’m sick of this sickness. I want a world where I can be happy, have friends. I look at the calender- May. May flowers. Sure. A flower to mark my dear dog’s death, a flower to mark my twisted mum this mother’s day, a flower to throw on dear Vlad’s grave.

Anger, sadness, guilt, blame. What these eyes have seen, what I’ve lived through, I can’t TAKE THIS ANYMORE. If I had known surviving everything would have brought me to feel like this I wouldn't have survived.

How weak I am, I don't even know how I survived. Alone but so in need of something. Lonely child, always was, always will be. Lonely child, wounded animal, broken adult. Fragments. Shards. Incomplete.

But back to the lonely corner where I’ll wish I could sleep forever. Watch the clock tick on, tick tock tick tock, and cry in my head because I can’t out loud. Hope that someone extends their hand and keeps it there because I'm too shy to stick mine out. Because I know what happens when you let down your guard, even for a minute.

I guess I belong in the darkness, alone even in a crowded room, once born into this despair, you can't get out. Devil child.

I think it's important that you show this to your T.
it makes sense to me at least...

I'm sorry there isn't much I can really do for you. But I'm just going to keep on telling you that I do genuinely care about you.

It's sad. It's very sad. I want to say "Ditto" but I don't want to steal your words from you.

I know. I know to well. I don't know why either.

I think your T would appreciate hearing your pain through your written words.

It was quite beautiful actually...in a very sad, sad way.

I don't reach my hand out either...for the same reasons.

How bout, if just for a moment...we reach out our hands towards eachother. At least for a moment we will know we are not alone.

Take care friend.

The feeling of being ignored, uncared for, sad and lonely with no voice. Yes I understand. The child within you has a voice now. Would be good for you to share this with your T.

Sending hugs ((((((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((( griffe )))))))))))))))))

didn't print it out, figured somehow would make T laugh at me. lots of people do that- laugh. or at least they all do in my head.
this little umbrella emotion guy is just how i feel. too tired to frown. just standing in the rain alone quietly. except i don't have an umbrella. and i can't stand.
thank you for the hugs.

I agree with the others, you should show this to your T.

((((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))

i highly doubt your T would laugh at you.

i certainly am not laughing.

i am sorry you are in so much pain. i am.

i also think you should show this to your T.

thank you ((( kebs, berries )))

Griffe, thank you for sharing this with us. I'd cry with you, if I could, but the tears won't come. My tears are broken.

stopped raining outside but still raining in my head.
i'm a mess.
no one likes a mess.

((((((((((((((( griffe and umbrella dude )))))))))))))))

(((GRIFFE))). I am sorry that you are struggling at thie time this fiercely. I think as well as everyone else that your writing is the part of YOU that you need to let your therapist see, in able to be able to understand the part of YOU that needs the help. Your therapist will not laugh at you Griffe, your therapist is there to help you and your best interests. Take care of yourself. Soidhonia

I don't want to claim to know exactly how you're feeling, because I'm sure I don't.

But I think I feel a bit like this too.

Griffe
Saw all the words and thoughts you put down and read what the others said and just thought I would add a little something .
Unfortunately what you feel and experience is what a large number of people feel these days . life really sucks and what doesn`t kill us on the way just makes us stronger in our quest to survive.
I would think that your T would have seen something like what you have written before so I would have shown him . But it doesn't matter if you didn't . Everyone feels trapped and alone at some point in their life and I bet you that if you asked around that a large number of people on this forum would have experienced the same feelings .
In short your not alone and the feelings you get from the people that don't shun you is far greater than the ones that do .

((((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))