[wi_fighter]

I had to talk to my ex the other day. Since it's not something I particularly relish any more, sometimes I find myself kind of zoning out. Like when someone is talking to you and going on and on and on, so you do the occasional "uh huh, oh yeah, really" stuff.

Then when I hang up I realize I can't really pinpoint a lot of the stuff he told me. Stuff that isn't necessarily relavent because it's mostly just chit chat that he really doesn't need to be telling me in the first place (he always complains I know too much about his personal life AFTER he discloses things. )

I find it really disturbing, because then it makes me question if a lot of things in our (his and my) past were heard correctly by me. This is something that's just recently started happening, since my lawyer told me to stop talking to him unless it directly involves our kids, so I realize a lot of it is fully intentional on my part, but I still find it unsettling.

I can't imagine having this happen without being aware of it, losing large chunks of time. Laying in bed last night and thinking about it, made me realize how hard it must be for the people in this forum, and everyone else living with this. I know it's not any comfort, but I just had to say I've gotten a tiny glimpse into what it must be like.

((((((((((((((hugs to all))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

wi, yes that sounds like dissociation in its milder form to me...closer to the normal. what makes it not so normal is that you're recognizing doing it when under duress. it's a coping mechanism, and can work quite well.

remind me, do you see a t? if so, you might want to explain to her that your stress is so high you're starting to "check".

be safe, friend.

kd

[wi_fighter]

Thanks Kimmy. No, I don't see a T. I don't have insurance or the money to afford one.

It's an unacceptable coping mechanism. I need to stay on top of things since I'm taking him back to court in order to reverse things I agreed to when under duress four years ago. I can't let myself step into a fog where he's concerned. Pat (fayerody) had made a good suggestion, I think, and that's cut him off when he starts wandering off into "personal" issues. He does it so sneakily, though, going from discussing the kids to mentioning his financial struggles. It makes it difficult to just cut him off at the pass, because it also involves the kids. I know I just have to be strong and do it anyway.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER
I was reading some links just now about narcissistic personalities, and I see a lot of him there. He makes scholastic demands on our kids that they just can't hold up, demands that if they meet they will get preferential treatment. A lot of our phone calls are regarding their school performance. I don't agree with his tactics, know my opinions will be discarded, so I zone off because it's a waste of brain activity to listen to it. Same old, same old, if you know what I mean. The Ph.D. I transcribe for told me that's learned helplessness. Where you don't even try to put up a fight anymore because you know it's useless. I feel like this "zoning out" is the next step in the process of removing myself from his influence and I don't like it one bit, this feeling of not being 100% in the moment.

Wi_fighter and Kimmy,

Was reading about the "zoning out" you were talking about... when someone is talking to you. BTW, sorry you are going through such a rough time Wi_fighter. I hope for peace and healing with you.

Well, don't know if you've read any of my posts about my relationship with my mom, but I do what you're talking about all the time with her and occasionally with other people- like my husband and my T.

I'm wondering though...is it really such a bad thing? I suppose I unintentionally do it to block out anticipated pain. Just wondering, if maybe sometimes it's an asset?? what do you guys think?? ( OH, will this be highjacking your thread???)

Mandy

[wi_fighter]

2b, no worries. Anything that helps me figure out how to deal with this is good. Sounds like we do the same thing, just like you said.

[RhysMadison]

If you are close to a county mental health, they do offer sliding scale fee. Granted they aren't the best, but it can be something for now. Also call around, you'd be surprised at how many T's will offer a sliding scale fee.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
RhysMadison

[kimmydawn]

2be1,

yes, i definitely think that mild dissociation at certain times can be a necessary and good thing. there are many times i've be thankful for checking...many, many, many times. it can be good as long as it doesn't interfere with normal fuctioning. when a person has the degree of dissociation that i have, it can be very rough on a different level...but mild can be great

just my opinion.

kd

[complic8d]

I find myself "zoning out" quite a lot and it is dissociation. My kids will ask me why I'm staring at them and I have to reply that I am looking through them, at nothing at all. I started doing this a lot this past year, because of a lot of stress. It has become quite a habit and I do it unintentionally all the time. I think it had to to with feeling overwhelmed by everything so it is a "coping" mechanism, just not necessarily a positive one at all times. I have been having a really hard time with concentration, focus, and memory. I have a hard time remembering what day it is, and I forget a lot of stuff that has to do with my kids, school activities, due dates, things they tell me. (I feel awful) I have to try to find things that keep me "present" and mindful of what is going on at the moment. It is hard. What you talked about sounded very familiar to me, just wanted you to know you aren't the only one. HUGS!

[wi_fighter]

complic8d, that sounds a lot like my days lately. The kids will repeat something that they'd told me earlier, and I have no recollection of them telling me. I know a lot of it is because I'm usually trying to concentrate on work when they're talking to me, and my brain has trouble listening to two voices at once (doctor's dictation and my kids) plus whatever other static my brain is trying to process (did I pay the bills on time, what homework assignment is the teacher going to tell me that my daughter didn't turn in yet, oh god it's almost Friday and I have to deal with the ex, etc.)

[wi_fighter]

Rhys, thanks for the suggestions. Money's tight even for sliding scale right now. I've been wanting to get to at least some support groups for domestic abuse victims, but I've had my kids nonstop during meeting days. I want to go at least once before I have them come along to the kid's programs that run simultaneously, so I can feel at ease. If I bring them along the first time I go, my anxiety is going to show and I don't want that.

Kimmydawn, when I was at the beach on Sunday, I was thinking of your story about the pearl shells.

[cat_eye]

I have the same kind of dissociation. It's pretty normal, and my T says that sometimes dissociation can be a good skill sometimes, but not for other times.

[Mahali]

I agree that some kinds of dissociation can be a good thing and are fairly normal. It becomes a problem when it begins to interfere in your life or puts you at risk.

It sounds wi fighter like you are under a great deal of stress. ( Brilliant observasion on my part I know) Anyway, I think when stress becomes too much we "check" some in a mild way and some a bit more.
I guess my concern in your case would be in staying alert to what your ex was saying. He sounds very manipulative. Maybe when he starts in on the bull you could just hang up? Is this any kind of option or would it make the situation worse?

Just thinking I guess of a way to cut it and him off before it got to be a serious problem.

Take care and I hope you can get things settled.

place

[silver_queen]

Sometimes a similar thing happens to me too, when I'm listening to somebody, I find that I can't remember what we talked about after and only vaguely remember the conversation but no clear sentences. So to try to prevent that I make sure I focus my full concentration on the conversation so I'll be able to remember later, but often I still can't, it's still hazy . But then, I suppose maybe a poor memory could contribute too.

[wi_fighter]

Yes, Place, he's very manipulative. *That* was the brilliant observation. That's another reason I have to not zone out, because then I have zero memory and he could tell me he said anything and I'd have to believe him (all the while figuring full well he's lying).

[Kathyanita]

dissociative DISORDERS are almost always trauma driven and result in physical changes that affect the brains "hard-wiring" as they take place during developmental stages throughout childhood.It requires a hurculean effort on the survivors part and a heroic effort on the therapists part to reroute the information and identity and affect and memory in a cognitive way that might result in a unified and better integrated personality. When we set the clocks ahead I remarked that for once the whole population might taste what its like to wonder where the time went. That second of panic because we're late for work would be multiplied x infinity to feel the experience of a victim of a dissociative disorder with amnesia.
Pardon my rather academic explanation of my own experience as I speak for myself.

[wisewoman]

kathyanita, I love your post and I get it totally. I wish for simplicity and peace.

[Kathyanita]

wisewoman,
I am greatfull that you responded as you did (and at all ,actually - as my thoughts dont usually provoke much relating from others)

[wisewoman]

You are more then welcomed. Thanks for sharing with me/us.

[jmo531]

I'm like silver queen. I will have a hard time remembering what a conversation was about. I too have poor memory.

[RhysMadison]

I never thought of DST as a way non-DID can feel what it is like. Makes sense! As far as not getting responses, don't take it personally. The people here respond when they can. Some days are just better than others. Nothing against any one person.
Love,
RhysMadison

Actually what it is like is different for everyone. However what you have described sounds like a dissociative coping mechanism........that is a far cry from dissociation as a disorder though!

Dissociation is a natural coping mechanism we are all born with. The degree to which we 'learn' to utilize it to cope is where it becomes problematic. Most everyone says they have the experience of driving to work or school and not remembering how they got there......the brain goes on autopilot and the driving gets done but the brain isn't actively focused on that.....thus the dissociative experience in that moment.

Dissociative disorders are a whole 'nother ball of wax.

Since you mention money is tight I would recommend using interlibrary loan to get some books that have more information about the entire dissociative spectrum so that you could have a better understanding. You also mention this isn't a coping mech. that you want to have so reading more about it may help you to gain the upper hand on this milder form of dissociation.

A quick search of this forum will bring up many titles but the two that jump to mind are: The Myth of Sanity--Martha Stout ISBN 0142000558, and The Stranger in the Mirror--Marlene Steinberg and Maxine Schnall ISBN 0060954876. A reviewer on one bookseller site says about the second book </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The actual diagnosis of this mental condition needs to be done by a trained clinician, but there are helpful questionnaires in the book to help you determine whether such a clinician should be sought for you or someone you know. You need to have pretty broad-based and severe symptoms before you have this disorder.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Good luck and healthy healing!