[multipixie9]

My mom died in June of 1992, after about 6 weeks of being ill. This is when our issues all "hit the fan" so to speak. Since then we've been doing all we can to get past our past. We thought we were close to mom and we were, like in Stockholm Syndrome where a captive bonds to the captor for safety and survival. As issues arose and we discovered some of what she had really been like we got over any grief and we never looked back or missed her. I was pretty surprised I could just cut off any part of myself that wanted a mother or wanted her. In fact, cold as it is, I've been glad she died relatively quickly and at age 62 before a long decline could happen. I'm glad she's dead. She was the single most damaging person in my rogues gallery of people who abused us. Number two was a satanic, sadistic, pervert who taught us in 4th grade. That should give enough idea as to why we have issues. We lost count of how many perpetrators we endured.

I am angry. Very, very Angry! No day goes by without some limitation or hurt due to past abuse. I don't want to be bitter and If this is a huge drag to read, don't feel you need to respond to me. I just needed to say that the woman who had my birth induced so she could tie her tubes and who conceived me while using 3 forms of birth control - wounded me so deeply and completely that I doubt it is possible to entirely heal from the things she did, did not do and instigated others to do to us. She was a survivor of similar abuse, and her anger makes mine look pale and feeble. The best thing I got from my mom was a determination to NOT EVER hurt people the way she and the cult hurt me. I just learned I need to become something now instead of spending all my energy "not" becoming like her.

I wanted desperately to love my mom when I was young, my teens wanted to escape her and my twenties self accepted her. Tonight I'm in a battle between the angry adult parts of us who despise her and would rather die than need her and the awful awareness that we have littles in here who need a mom figure to love and we don't think we have one to give them. They are so hungry for love and attention and we are so tired of having to be "tough" and pretend we need no one but God and each other inside of Leslie.

Sorry for the length, we don't blog and didn't think to just go to our own journal. One of our littles actually wanted to be the one to post and we tried to explain what was coming and the little didn't get much to say for herself. damn.

Leslie and Deborah

my mom don lov me. she wish i wuz ded. i wish dat to. wat is rong wif me? am i bad, is at wi she don lik me at all? nobudy lov me but don tel i sed so or shell get mad at me an she scar me. is not mi falt im a kid. if u mom don luv u, is u nobuddy? she held me under de watr, i not spos to tels u dat, but i did it eneway so there mom! she not nis persun an i don luv her neethr. im gona tel God on her. if i had sumware to go i wud go. no excape. it all goes rown an rown in my hed all de werds an memrees an feers. my hed is to full. she wuz bad an it wuz NOT MI FALT!! I dint do nuffin rong, cept i tak too much. they tried kill me but it not werk. i still here ha ha ha on them. ok, we try stop now byby,

leli an spunky pixies

[Hunny]

leli
spunky pixies

We get our stuffies and come and sit wif you kay?

We will bring our leftover jello that we can dip our fingers in and our fingers can turn a different colour.

Our mommy was wrecked too and we are sort of wrinkled by all those days but we still could be friends. Big Hunny, she buys stuff for us now and comforts us. You can be a nobudy with us cuz we nobudys too. Our mommy wished us dead too befo we was born and we didn't do nuffin wrong eever. She tried kill us but it not werk eever. Ha ha ha we still here too. But we wuld like to play here side you. kay, then we not be alone

Hunny says to just say bye and use her big name, kay?

Bye

Hunny

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((multipixies))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are struggling. I understand so much of what you are saying though I am unable to voice my own stuff. Please take gentle care as you work through this.

[notz]

((((pixies)))

I carry your thoughts in my heart...

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((pixies))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry there are so many different emotions you are having to deal with right now. It sounds like you are healing from the past but unfortunately it takes time. Pleaes be kind to everyone and share in each others experiences. To everyone.

BB

[multipixie9]

HIHIHI to alla de Hunny's. We lik u. We play an be nobuddy's wif u. U finlee fownd a gud use for Jello. We nevr finkd of it dat way!!! Ha Ha Ha! I like red Jello. It maks my fingers pinky red. Jello is nasty to eet. blek! I hate jello an I luv ise creem an candee an cookees an cherrees an bananas. yummy fuds. We pla nis wif u ok? We sorree for all u sads insid. U momm shud be nis to u cos u is nis. All kids is born nis!!!! cos God don mak junk. byby u alls

fanks wanttoheal. u is very nis persun. we sorree u knos wat we meen. we sorree u gots hurted. send u hug, ok?

Dear Notz, fank u for lettin us be all angry and sad an u stil lik us.

We feel sad or uncomfortable when we read anyone's words that tell how they were mistreated or used in bad ways. We know our words can be ugly when we tell the mean, cruel things we were forced through. We dont want to discourage anyone or drag you down with us into the evil places. It's just we keep hoping someday we will write and finally be able to say "enough. now it's enough." It's like being sick and hoping I can finally be empty inside of the sickness and free to be full of life and health and joy. I want my original self back. I want to be the person that God saw before anyone on this earth did wrong to me. That may be impossible or something that could only happen in heaven, but I want it!

I believe that each new life is supposed to be a gift from God, a creation with worth and significance - like each child comes as a living sculpture from a loving God. The ones who should have valued me as a living piece of art, a sculpture broke me down instead. They shattered me into pieces. I can never be that sculpture any more. When I first thought that, I thought the bad people won. I thought they had diminished me forever. But, they did not. I am still a living work of art between God and me and when all is said and done I will be a mosaic instead of sculpture. God will take all the broken bits and combine them into a different kind of art. I don't know exactly what our mosaic picture will look like, but it will be full of color and texture and interest. The broken bits may be combined to make something even more interesting and unique than the original statue.

We matter and they were wrong and evil to harm us. All the bad people who harmed every one of us on this forum were wrong and they will answer for it someday. But for now, I'm not going to think about them, I'm gonna be artistic and keep healing and changing.

multipixies9

[multipixie9]

also tired of tip-toeing around things and being careful. sometimes i just want to blurt out the most awful memories i have. i want someone to hear how bad it was and how devastated we were. i guess that is selfish, but for all the time they abused me, I HAD NO VOICE. none. they tied me in knots and silenced me and did terrible things to us. none of it was our fault. we did nothing wrong, nothing to make us deserve such cruelty and horror.

the frustrating thing about this is my words have no power. i want them to have power because words are my only arsenal for now.

anonypixie

[Hunny]

Anonpixie,

Please know your voice is heard today and your words do have power, a power that is making changes for the best in your life.

You are being heard...the more you speak, I believe you will no longer just survive but you will be stable, have success and have significance, and be a light to future generations.

Hunny

Originally Posted by multipixie9

also tired of tip-toeing around things and being careful. sometimes i just want to blurt out the most awful memories i have. i want someone to hear how bad it was and how devastated we were. i guess that is selfish, but for all the time they abused me, I HAD NO VOICE. none. they tied me in knots and silenced me and did terrible things to us. none of it was our fault. we did nothing wrong, nothing to make us deserve such cruelty and horror.

the frustrating thing about this is my words have no power. i want them to have power because words are my only arsenal for now.

anonypixie

[January]

Dear Little Pixies and Little Hunnys,

You are not "nobodies". You are someones. You are special someones to me and I'm sorry you were hurt.

If I could, I would sit on the floor and put my fingers in the jello and make my fingers change colors with you.

ByeBye

Jan


***************

Multipixie,

Your words have touched me more than I can say. I am so sorry for your pain.

Hugs, (if ok )

Jan

[multipixie9]

Dear Hunny and January,

THANK YOU!!! Today we can take in your kindness and hold it gently like a bright butterfly. It is so good to finally be able to accept kindness and beauty. You are so sweet!!!

hunny an january, we luv hugs an we fink u r so nis. we wud lik to play wif u an color an mak a happy mess an jus be frees. we lik yu, we reelee do lik u an all owr buddys here. we sends u bak lots a hugs an a pray that u be okie dokies toda lik we are toda. we akshully happy toda, is veree nis!!!



byby for now,

alls us pixies for now

[January]

Dear Pixies,

Thank you for your very nice letter to me! I wish we could color, too. I like to blow bubbles. It's one of my favorite things. I like to see the bubbles sail off into the sky.

I'm glad you are having a wonderful day.

Jan

[DLHsSystm]

Words have huge power. Your words touched us deeply. We also get tired of tiptoeing around. It makes us mad.
Personally, I found what you and your alter(s?) expressed very clear and heartfelt and I have parts that feel the same way. You did not say too much or too little to be understood by our unknowns. They heard, and it gave them hope.
Thank you all for writing that stuff.

Debbie, Mia, Arat and Unknowns

[multipixie9]

Dear DHL's System and January,

Thank you for writing and interacting with me over this thread. Sometimes I just want to say things and be heard, not dismissed.

I am always happy when I can encourage others. It has been so cool to meet other folks with DID/dissociation going on. Now I don't feel so alone.

Many gentle hugs if you want them.

Leslie and Pixies