[iamtwilight]

references to abuse memories, potentially triggering, be careful.


just felt like this was the only place i could share.



it's not just the memories that are bringing me to the verge of panic. it's many mundane things. going to shop for groceries, going out where there are people, staying in with our partner and feeling like he's a hundred worlds away, in a parallel reality and i'm stuck in my little looking glass world wondering if i can trust _any_ of my thoughts anymore.

wondering if the memories were that bad anyway, if they were even real. can't tell anyone, it's way too twisted, it makes it all sound like i wanted it, asked for it. and the thoughts are like "i can't be alive if i'm not the most beautiful and interesting person out here and out there for him", in other words, unreal or a movie star. and i sure as heck don't want to be one.

then i crave for company. but i find it hard to even be in company, i feel more like a savage animal than a human being, capable of independent thought and free will - no. sounds kind of foreign. there's a desperate yearning for acceptance, to be loved for who i am, and right now the only person i can expect that from is my partner - yet he has it very rough as i'm clinging onto him every minute of the day, and the more i try to get a piece of him, the further he drifts... i need to change before i can reach out for that love, but... i feel like i'm going deeper into my vortex of alienation.

and remember what they said - "you don't deserve better", "there's nothing more for you" - and silently shed tears. thousands of streams of burning tears, all painful and none relieving as they should be, for they don't come out. feeling like it's their freaking legacy, to leave me alone for an eternity. so that even with people, the feeling of being utterly and completely alone won't leave me.

no matter how much i switch and blank out and feel like it has cleared my mind, this always returns.

they trusted me enough (psych nurse, pdoc) to let me go to intensive outpatient for the summer, now they're closed and i return in august. i felt good having some activity during the day - 20 more days to go...

confused,
twilight (in essence)

[iamtwilight]

oh man, this is scary, i have not shared my thoughts with anyone in weeks.

let's hope it won't get deleted this time, i know we've always been understood and supported here and still feel that way.

[January]

I am so sorry you are hurting so very much. I hope things calm down for you and you feel better very soon.

I know you have several days to go, but can you reach someone irl for support if you need it?

[iamtwilight]

thank you (((january))) for reading and hearing. i hope it calms down too, at least temporarily. there is probably no one to turn to, all facilities are closed, except if the worst case scenario comes true, which means serious thoughts of SUI (about to attempt) in my big book of emergencies.. that's when the ER would be okay.

but we don't do those things anymore - so i guess it's going pretty well on that front.

[January]

It sounds like you have made a lot of progress. Hurray for you!

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Twilight)))))))))))))))

Sending lots of gentle hugs

love
Sparrow

[susan888]

((((Twighlight)))) I hope you feel better very soon!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( Twilight )))))))))))))))))

(((Twilight))) Thinking of you and hoping the time passes quickly when you return to outpatient treatment.

[multipixie9]

Twilight,

I can hear your "denial" parts or system talking. I had a lot of that inside. I would begin to remember something or I would get feelings and then this calm part of me would begin to say doubting things about what I was thinking. It was so upsetting and for so long it completely s*****d with my head. Eventually I understood that the denial system had actually done some great service for us because if we had looked as damaged as we were we would have attracted sooo much more abuse and it might have been fatal. The trick is for my denial alts to finally understand that they have to stop denying what happened to me, their job needs to change.

By the way, everything you mentioned about your fears are exactly what I go through too. I've heard many people share the exact same things with me too. I learned fear early and deeply inside - it truly was awful for me and awful for you. It felt like my own private concentration camp. As much as I want a normal life back, I fear normal situations. My daughter got married and I had to take anti-anxiety meds to function and handle the 150 people at her wedding reception and several other large parties connected to the wedding. That is not a happy thought, but I am not kicking myself about it because I did better than I have in the past and having weaknesses and needs is not wrong or bad. I get lonely at home and panicky when I'm with people - that feels so messed up and stupid - but I did NOT choose the experiences that taught me so much fear before I could even talk or walk - I will not take on their shame and guilt any more. It was NOT my fault and I am a darn good survivor and I will get well and someday it won't take meds to attend family and social events - used too this would have given me a migraine and i would have missed most or all the fun or been in misery physically the whole time.

Change happens and so does healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was NOT our fault and we are NOT to blame - and neither were you. You are not messed up forever, that is a lie and You are gonna get better. That is why you keep writing in and trying to get better. OK, off the soapbox for now. I just feel very strongly about some things I could not believe for such a long time!

Leslie and her awesome pixies