***TRIGGERS*** i had to say it for us

**WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE. IT CONTAINS SOME DISTRESSING STUFF AND WE DO NOT WISH TO HURT ANYONE. WE JUST NEED TO VENT.

I was at T's today and we went again for the 1000th time toward the scariest evil we experienced in a ritual and we have never been able to get to the feelings. We have dodged this part of recovery for soo long. It scares us so badly. It was so evil, beyond belief - but my insiders who have the memory and experienced the horror and pain and fear do not want anyone to ever get into it with them. they are so willing to do anything to keep from revisiting those hellish moments. we've dealt with almost every kind of sexual assault and violence and brainwashing and creepy cult activity and were torn apart emotionally by those who were supposed to be family. but this was ritual murder and we were there and we were made to choose who lived and who died and we had no real choice - that was a trick so i would feel guilty for the terror-stricken choice of me who got to live and then they made me kill, though they held my hand on the weapon and provided the force. we thought we were a murderer and we wanted to die of shame and guilt and we spent 40+ years hating ourselves and hurting ourselves and risking our own life because we did not deserve to live after we murdered someone.

we will never know if they sacrificed a living child or if they fooled us with a doll, the trauma was overwhelming to a small child and it all blurred into such nightmarish images. their point was to create in us a self-destructive hatred of our own life and they wanted to use us to hurt others and then die before we ever told on them. they all escaped in this life and most are all dead now. but i do think God will deal with them after death.

it shouldn't happen to any child. it happened to me. as the adult i can call it what it was and i know where the real guilt lies, but there are hurting, fearful, rage-filled parts of me inside that can't deal with it and it is holding us all back from healing. i've been in counseling for 14 years with the T who dxd us with d.i.d. and this one thing has been the root of all our resistence to dealing with our past - not that the other abuse didn't hang us up too. last week she told us she had never worked with someone who had more programming inside to keep things hidden and blocked.

i loved and wanted babies even as a small child, but when i finally had my two children motherhood was a nightmare of fears i did not understand because i had blocked what they made me do. such evil is so terrible i go blank trying to write this stuff.

i don't want to gross out people and i am sure not asking for anyone's sympathy. i just had to finally put it down out here and call it what it really was. i keep hoping my little broken girls inside will find the courage to assign the blame to the really guilty people, the pathetic cowards who took pleasure in harming and killing children. we were so terrified of them and we didn't even see what miserable vermin they were. they were sick, degenerates who got hideous pleasure out of doing unspeakable things to tiny beings with no power. how hard is it to dominate a small child? they were like frankenstein or dracula to me and froze me in horror and they were about as impressive as cruel people who pull the wings off of flies. they thought they wielded supernatural power and they were filthy posers who had no character or strength or dignity. some of them were supposed to be my family and they were like nazi guards in a concentration camp - inhuman devils.

we've hung in there a long time and i believe we will finally go through this too and move on to a place where we just live and have no need to fragment our thoughts and memories. i just hope we can help our little ones inside and somehow just go through it and beyond. they deserve a life beyond the nightmare.

Leslie, hoping to lead her littles out to safety sometime soon

(((((((leslie and her littles)))))), if ok.

you are such a beautiful person, leslie, and i would never ever have even guessed at the horrors you have gone through, to have come out in the wonderful way that you are. i am so, so so deeply sorry and sad at what you had to go through as a small child.

you have been so brave in opening up here, and i want to applaud you for that. my (already high!) esteem for you has only risen further .

are your littles starting to get interested in the idea of letting someone else in at all? it sounds like you are ready, and maybe with your help they can start considering it a bit?

((((((Thank You Deliquesce))))

You are so kind and encouraging. We all - meaning all of us alts who can, need to do anything we can to help the littles become able to say the things they need to and to feel their feelings and let them loose. The bad people imprisoned my littles in terror and shame and they have been stuck there for actually 5 decades.

As the host I feel so helpless to find a way for them to come out and stop hiding in shame and fear. We held them back for so long trying to perform and "pass for normal". I wasn't exaggerating about how often we've tried to go in this direction and they have fought us off so far. I have got to try to remember that most of us have changed and come places we thought we impossible - so the little one's time will come too.

I just wish i knew HOW to help them feel safe enough and bold enough to tell on the REAL bad people - BUT they think THEY ARE THE BAD PEOPLE. It is a lie and somehow the truth must get to them so they can quit suffering needlessly.

Thank you for your merciful and gentle words. They mean so much to us.

Bless You and All of Us who hurt and try to heal. This has been a special forum and has been so encouraging.

Leslie and her inside family

You are right- no child should have to go through that!!!!
We are very sorry you are in a terrible place, and we all wish you the very best.
(Webber)Erik

To all of the Pixies - your courage is beyond awesome. I cannot fathom what it has taken for you to endure this horrific journey. No doubt you will prevail, having come so far. You are a shining light in my eyes, bearer of hope. Thank you, thank you. Miri

Thanks Webber,

It is not terrible for me the host (as I write this), but deep inside somewhere it has been unending awful for little girl parts who were forced into this horror. I just so wish they could come up and demand to be heard and cry and fuss and scream their rage and fear. I WANT THEM TO HAVE WHAT SOME OF US ALREADY HAVE. THEY ARE IN HELLISH SUFFERING AND FIGHTING THE ONLY HUMAN WHO IS TRYING TO HELP THEM ESCAPE. I want it soooooo badly for them and I am powerless to give it to them or lead them to it.

WHY CAN'T THEY BELIEVE US WHEN OUR T TRIES TO HELP THEM. WHY... i want it so much words won't tell it. Their misery, shame, guilt, despair and deathwish are harming us all physically. i just don't want to die when we don't have to, but they just think they have to die and they DON'T. it is not their fault and God doesn't hold them guilty. I hate so badly being helpless to help them. damn.damn.damn.damn.damn...i'm so helpless and i'm supposed to fix things and keep us ok. i suck at my job.

Just called my T and asked to come in an extra time this week. we need time for the littles to feel safe and once a week has not been enough to get to them and not spook them. so maybe I don't suck. I called and asked for what we need and my dedicated T gave us a time tomorrow early.

WOW... I just found out my last know predator who was the one who actually took me from my cousin's bed to the rituals IS DEAD. He let his own two daughters sleep and took me to indescribable fear and suffering I have no other living perpetrators as far as I know who were at the rituals. No one who harmed me from my mom and her family are alive anymore including my brothers and uncles and grandfather. They are gone. Thank You God.

numb but grateful,

some of me's

so many hugs to you... I was impressed by how brave you were to vent what you did, and how far you have come in order to be where you are.

I'm so sorry they did that to you.

Something I would never wish even on the slimiest of slime.

Gentle hugs, I'm thinking of you

Dear Eriksplus, Miri and TurquoiseSea,

Thank you all for giving us your strength and support through your words. I know that no one is here on PC.com who has not been hurt badly by someone who should have helped or protected them. All of us here know pain and fear and insecurity.

I am feeling panic inside because we have put the truth and the basics of what happened out here. T helped us to get closer today and we know that somehow we will get where we need to go and the lil one's still in dark despair will get helped.

That said, we are struggling with a desire to medicate ourselves numb. Our normal medication is not strong enough for this kind of fear, not that it gives us the right to up our dosage. We have done that before and do not want to do it today. It is just hard to resist the ones pleading for an absence of fear. Meds are the only way they think they can stop being terrified and that is not true. It's just faster.... but, the truth is they need real help, not a medical binky to pacify what needs healing. we used so many lesser measures trying to get well all by ourselves rather than ask help from people and from God.

OK, not going to talk it to death today. We DO APPRECIATE ALL of YOU here. Talking with so many of you has sped up our progress and given us freedom to be with people who CAN identify with being split. Many good people, singletons, have shut us down or shut us out and we felt so diminished by it. Here we are just one of the members of the club no one joins voluntarily. Thank you all for being here and speaking your stories and your truth.

Leslie and her Pixies

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Leslie and all your beautiful pixies}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I can not imagine the things that you all went through and the measures that you used to survive the most horrendous of things. I am truely amazed by YOU and all that you have faced to get even some of you into a place that is more bearable, You talk of not knowing how to help your littles to that better place but hunny YOU have walked so far with all this l dont doubt that you will find the right way for your littles. You are one amazing woman and as for being shunned by people who know nothing of your pain, they are the ones who are missing out on all your beautiful qualities.
You are an amazing character and show great strength and courage..... You will find a way to help all the littles to a better brighter future. I'm so glad that you posted this here and shared this with all who care for you alot...................YOU give me hope and inspiration for a brighter future.

Good luck in the next stages of your journey and know that we are here standing right with you all.........best wishes and loving care wished to all of you but especially to those that still hold all those bad bad feelings, and fear....................the shame and fear will too be gone for them all is my wish for you all

In admiration
Mandyxxgentle hugs but only if thats ok

(((Leslie & all the pixies)))

You are so brave for telling this to us and to have survived it. Stay strong and safe. Thank you for telling us.

(((((SilentandScared))))))

Wow, thank you for your kind words. I am overwhelmed by all the support and affirmation you and others have given us. It blows us away in the nicest possible way. I don't know what to say, but thank you and I will cherish the love given freely by you because it does help and it matters.

We all who come here share so much pain and we also share amazing survival too. All pain is hard to bear and no one can judge whose pain may be the worst. I'm glad we can come here and speak with you all. I accept your hugs and wish to return them. I want to see all the littles and my hurting teens and tweens get their time to find healing and a warm place in the sunshine.

You Rock,

Leslie and Pixies

((((((Calista+12))))))

Thank you for your encouragement. We are going into a challenging time, but it will get better and I am glad to be here on PC with you and so many brave survivors. Hugs (if it is good for you)!

Leslie and All

Dear Turquoisesea,

Thank you for all the kind smilies. They do make me smile and I love all the sweetness in little sweet pictures. I think they say soo much!

Hugs if you are good with that,

Leslie and All

find that freedom
silentones

Leslie, if you'll pardon a stupid question -- how do you communicate with your littles, and how do they communicate with you?

FooZe,

There are no stupid questions, just people who need more information. I do not have a simple answer to this important question. I've been told how important it is for us to communicate inside with those in our systems of alts.

For a long time I ignored my insiders, so they sent bad feelings, bad dreams, body pain and sickness and stress in relationships to try to get my attention. Eventually I began seeking help. It has taken a long, long time because I had alters whose job was to deny that anything was wrong and others who had pain and specific memories of the past and so it got very chaotic inside of me. My T kept explaining and kept asking questions and then different ones began to talk with my T.

I have DID friends who can see their alts and sometimes they have a house or castle or someplace the alts live together inside their mind. I do not have that. We turned the lights out inside and have lived in the dark since we were toddlers. (if we can't see you maybe you can't see us...) We did this to live. We saw death and violence and we have had a complicated system of different alts to handle it all. Over 14 years we gradually began to trust God and our T and let them help us to believe the different parts of ourself as they shared their experiences and feelings. We had to lay down our strong sense of denial. The denial was an important part of how I survived my childhood, but it was stopping me from recovering as an adult. Denial was how I could deny the nightmare of violence in the nights and get up and go to school the next day without letting on what we saw and did. They told us we would die painfully and slowly if we EVER let on and we believed them because we saw death. When denial stopped interfering we began to believe our own insanely awful past history and began to deal with the real damage done to us.

We heard and communicated better inside as we accepted help from both God and our T (our abuse had strongly sacreligious elements and we needed spiritual help to deal with this abuse, that is all i can say here)

SOO, very long story shorter, when we got to this forum and another one for DID we began to let the inside speak up and say WHATEVER they felt they needed to say and it got messy, rude and profane at times. As the adult parts and the denial parts apologised, so to speak to the little ones - they began to trust us and our recovery speeded up significantly.

I hope my answer did not confuse you, but this is how it has been for me and it seems many survivors do it in their own unique fashion - no two just alike. I know some people hold dialogues with their inside family and they set up orderly ways to talk and meet needs. Frankly, I'm still not able to directly do that. However, I say things out loud sometimes (while feeling kinda silly) and tell my insiders how PROUD I AM OF THEM and how much I hate what they went through and how we ARE ALL GONNA GET WELL TOGETHER. Over time they have believed me, accepted help from my T and God and things have been changing in good ways. We are getting well!

Your question is actually VERY IMPORTANT, FooZe and I hope you begin to experience some internal communication of your own. There could already be such communication and you may not have realized that was what it is. Sometimes I used to think I was just daydreaming but it was really someone inside trying to get my attention. Thank you for asking and letting me talk about the way we are.

Leslie/Pixies

Thank you very much for your long and thoughtful answer, Leslie (and for your assistance, pixies). I need to get up earlyish tomorrow and it may be a day or so before I get back here. I wanted you to know I did read it, I'm going to read it a few more times, and I expect to have more to say eventually.

(((Leslie and All))) if ok.
Hugs are fine for most of us, thank you.
Though I don't really know you, I think you are amazing. You show compassion for everyone here through all the struggling of your own.
As someoine here said, children are NOT responsible for the torment and horrors of some twisted adults. You did nothing wrong. Please believe that. I hope your challenges are short and that we can help along the way.
Susan

Thank You, Susan,

Hugs and Smiles and all things bright and beautiful. Your words lift my heart!

I'm so glad there are many awesome people here and I appreciate your support and want to give it to you also.

Leslie/Pixies U2