Who feels like this?

My Dissociation history: I'm in my late 30's. I've been living with my parents for the last 10 years. I lost my job, my flat and my car. Luckily I get great support from my parents and we get on very well. I see my friends and other family very seldom. But I keep contact via sms. I have been with the same, great psychiatrist for longer than a decade. I am on an anti-depressant and I take a lot of Valium. I am a very, very anxious person which I have not always been. I've always been very sensitive. But frequently I get so depressed about my life, that I have to go for Electro Convulsive Treatment.

My questions:

1. I chronically feel taller than I am and I feel as if my eyes are looking down on everything. Who feels like this?

2. When I look in a mirror, I look out of focus and I experience myself as abnormally ugly, which I'm not. This hurts my self esteem extremely bad. Who feels like this?

3. ECT makes me feel normal and look normal to myself for a week or more. Who feels like this?

I'm still hanging on, but it's very, very tough and sad. Kind regards to all of you out there struggling with dissociation.

Eljay,

Noticing you have been here since May, wondering if you have had a chance to read some of the posts here in the DD Forum.

Is there a chance for you to go to a therapist where you are, as well as your Pdoc?

What is sms? It would be lovely if you could share with us all here. Looking forward to getting to know you more.

Hunny

((((((((((((Eljay))))))))))))))) Welcome

I have had the experience of not recognizing myself when I look in the mirror. And I have also experienced the world looking different sometimes through my eyes. It usually happens when I am under a lot of stress, or triggered for some reason. Maybe that's why the ECT works to make those symptoms less for you? Because it brings the stress level down??

((((Eljay)))))
I often don't recognize myself.

Thanks for replying. It helps to know that other people experience the same distress and one is not alone. All of the best to you.

Eljay

Thanks for replying. You are quite right. Everything is linked to stress. The more anxious I am, the more out of focus my mirror images are and then I also feel as if I'm looking down on everything. Then I usually become so depressed that I have to go for ECT. It's as if the ECT restores the brain to its normal functioning for a while. Well, I feel better knowing that I'm not alone.

All of the best to you.

Eljay

hey eljay, i, too, relate to the first two of the symptoms you listed. i'm not sure about the ECT since i haven't had it myself.

i think dissociation and dissociative symptoms are a way to channel out stress and anxiety - whether it is caused by memories/flashbacks or current events.

keep on reading and posting here, this is a very good place for support. i'm glad you posted


twilight

(((((((((((((Eljay)))))))))))))))

I know how you feel I have problems looking in mirrors because I sometimes won't recognize myself or I fell odd and out of porportion with the living space around me, keep posting here, everyone here is wonderful and helpful and we are glad to have you as a part of the PC community.

Sending lots of gentle hugs your way
Sparrow

Thanks for your reply. You made me feel welcome. Psych Central is a very interesting website and I get a lot of information here.

I have been in intensive psychotherapy for years, while all the while taking medication as well, but it really didnt help me at all. I think my illness is genetic, because there was psychiatric illness on both sides of my family 2 generations back.

I assume you live in the USA. I'm in South Africa. When you send a written message from one cell phone to another, we call it sms. (Short Message Send) What do you call it? This is interesting!

All of the best to you.

Eljay

I sort of take what I see in the mirror as an indicator of what mood I'm in, but I also don't take it too seriously. I may snicker if I look especially grotesque, but usually there are plenty of things I want to do besides looking in the mirror so I don't linger long.

I've carefully avoided getting a cell phone myself but that sounds like what everyone else here calls "texting".

Depersonalization was a problem for me for many years. It usually coincided with Derealization Disorder.

I honestly can't say when it stopped, but I am much better today and only find myself "driving the car like I'm sitting in the back seat" when I am under enormous stress.

I also had trouble with body distortions. Like my left ankle would be swollen to twice it's size but only to me.

But I guess that could've been the BDD too, which is better now as well. (Body Dysmorphic Disorder)

Depersonalization Disorder - a feeling that your body is unreal, changing or dissolving. Strong feelings that you are detached from your body.

Derealization Disorder - an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems strange or unreal.

How did you get rid of these dissociation symptoms? Were you in therapy or what medications worked for you? I am really very desperate to know of anything that can help as I am suffering very badly and my life is ruined by these awful symptoms. Go well.

Eljay

For me it's been the years of work I've done in pretty intensive therapy. It has been in the telling and retelling of my story that has finally led to some resolve. I can't say there's been any "one" thing that worked or didn't, it just happened.

As I faced the traumas and began to put the pieces of some elaborate puzzles together, I began to see things more clearly. One of the biggest turning points for me was accepting that it wasn't my fault. I really and truly had done nothing to deserve it. I had heard T say it a million times, but it took me a long time to "get it" on my own.

Although I'm still telling parts of my story for the first time, the intensity and power it had over me of has lessened, as well as the fear of telling and the shame attached. Lessened, not gone. The depersonalization still happens when I'm under immense stress but I don't seem to "stay" there as long.

As far as medication goes, things like Ativan and Klonopin help to calm the the anxiety from escalating, which then spins me out of control. But I find myself taking less of that as well.

So I guess, for me, it was a lot of hard work and time.

Here's a pretty good article on it.

http://www.minddisorders.com/Del-Fi/...-disorder.html

Orange Blossom, thank you very much for sharing your story with me. I found the website very interesting too. In it they also mention that a PET brain scan of someone with dissociation shows a disfunction in the area of the cortex that interpret vision, hearing and feeling. This is interesting as I had a scan done a few years back and this disfunction showed up on the scan. This biologically and technically explains why one feels like youre looking down on the world or seeing the wrong picture of yourself in the mirror etc. That's why ECT helps to temporarily make my brain function normally and in that time I don't experience these symptoms.
Go well, Orange Blossom
Eljay