[kris9999]

Apparently I cause MUCH confusion concerning my views and experience with DID so I wish to explain this, to the best of my ability, now.

First... I was in fact diagnosed with DID in 2003, I do not say I think I have it, I do not claim to have it when I am unsure, I was diagnosed and that's all there is to it on that part...

Second... Until 2 days ago I blacked out every time they came out. For the last three weeks the Eriks and I have been working together trying to get them so come out and I still be conscious (this is why we are in private chats most of the time). Until 2 nights ago, we made progress but no success...

I am aware that the blackouts will probably continue and that I should expect them to, and I do. But the fact that I could remember was important to me, even if I go back to the blackouts, at least I know that there is hope for me getting past them.

Third... I do NOT want to "get rid" of my "alters" I do not wish for them to leave, they helped me and continue to help me on a daily basis and I view this body as much theirs as it is mine.

Fourth... I will not get into detail but I do not believe that "alters" are parts of yourself.

Fifth... I do not want to take medication because I do not want the medication to slow my progress. I have been told many times that it will not, but I do not trust it. When you have taken 32 pills a day and are a walking zombie for a year, you will understand why.

Sixth... The only thing that I wish for the medication to help me with, if it can at all, is to get past the blackouts, to get rid of these aweful headaches and help me to be less confused.

Seventh... I am looking forward to seeing a therapist because she is willing to help me with the progress I have made. She is willing to help me bring them in the open and help me to remember when they do come out.

I probably haven't cleared everything up still, but this is a start. I understand the way I word things can be rather confusing, and sometimes they come out the wrong way so I am trying to explain them here. I have no problem answering questions if they are asked kindly. I do not wish to debate my DID and I do not wish to debate anything else regarding this matter with anyone since I know that I do have DID and I will have my proof for my future doctors, that's really all that matters to me.

I hope all is well and I hope that this thread has not come off as offensively in any way since I do not mean it as offensive.

Kris

[pegasus]

Hugs

I am sorry that you felt the need to explain things here, this is a support forum and we support anyone that has been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder.

Meds do not do anything for DID but will only help with symptoms of depression and anxiety that often go with it. The very best advice I can give is to seek a therapist. Therapy is the answer. In therapy, it is NOT about getting rid of alters but becoming aware and working together.

Let us know how your therapy journey goes.

[kris9999]

Thank you for your reply. I have found that some people are not as accepting as others and some people refuse to believe. I'm done trying to convince others though!

I am going to see a therapist, I have my first appointment next week and she has a ton of experience with DID so I am very excited, my excitement apparently has also brought up questions. They can think what they will, I'm throwing in the towel on here with that.

Thanks again for your reply, it meant a lot to me. You're very kind and I really appreciate it! I hope you are well. Take care!

[Fox]

Everybody is different and don't fit in this perfect little box like some people try to shove us in. I hope you've never felt that I've questioned what you say because it's never that I don't believe. I don't understand still some of the things you've said and maybe I'll never understand though I do want to. I ask questions to gain understanding not to push you in a corner. If you can explain what you believe to be happening then others can understand what's going on with you personally. Though people are not robots you do have to understand that people have strong tendencies to react to things they don't understand in a way that may appear to be judgemental cruel even. But really over all most people have good hearts and aren't trying to hurt your feelings at all. I'm sorry that people have been upsetting you so much the past few days. I'm almost certain that everyone here has been exceptionally kind though very confused and trying to make sense of things. Logic and emotions tend to not understand each other so that's when conflicts arise.

Oh oh I was going to say about your saying that scientists believe in the big bang and evolution somewhere else can't remember where so that's why I'm saying it here. I wanted you to know that Darwin believed in creation he just had some interesting ideas that he was toying with more or less. Also many scientists today have drawn to the conclusion that only a designer is responsible for everything we see around us. Some feel like adaptation is a sign of evolution but of course they tend to mesh the two thinking they're the same when in reality they're totally different. A seagull is still a seagull whether it eats salt water fish or fresh water fish. Silly people. But science is catching up to areas where before only faith could explain.

[kris9999]

Thanks Fox and I don't mind questions. The questions aren't what bothers me. What bothers me is when people say "Well that doesn't sound like it" or "Once you know for sure you can say that" or "Well I don't know anyone who is exicted to see a t" things along those lines. Most people on here are extremely kind, but some people are not understanding and when I try and explain things they don't really want to hear it.

Questions are not what upsets me, I don't mind trying to explain my situation if people want to know, I get it enough from the T's and the pdocs I've been seeing recently that they don't believe I have DID, and they don't understand me, I was dissapointed in here though that some people on here feel the same way. Why in the world would I come online and lie to a bunch of strangers? I already have to pretend to be someone I am not irl I don't want to and chose not to on here.

Thanks again for your reply. I hope you're well! Take care!

[kris9999]

I just wish to say that my heart goes out to everyone with DID or any form of dissociation... It seems no matter where we go we are questioned and it is hard and I am sorry anyone has to go through this!

I hope you all are well!

[Elysium]

Kris...

I am sorry if you think I was questioning your diagnosis or your experiences. I was doing neither, actually. Your experiences are your own, regardless what you, a therapist, or anyone else labels them. They are what they are.

I was merely trying to offer you some info on the mental health communities "theories" and understandings of DID as you sounded like you may have been struggling with things a bit.

You can believe whatever you like about DID and your issues. It bothers me none that you disagree with the "theories" and it's cool that you choose to explore other ideas. Good for you.

Pretty much everything is a theory really. All that says is that someone came up with an idea, created a hypothesis, participated in researching the evidence that supported and did not support their hypothesis, and after a certain amount of research and documentation decided to claim something as true, or accurate. In this world, theories abound.

I hope that you are able to find what you are looking for in a T, and in your own personal theories about your experiences.

Take care....

Kris
Like others have said, everyone presents their illness differently. Only you really know what you experience and what you believe is your business .I do not judge anyone, I may disagree but it's not a judgement. All I wish for you is peace and relief. You deserve that. Good luck with your t.

[kris9999]

Let me start by saying I apologize if I took anyones words out of context; but the thing we all need to remember, myself included, is that this is the internet. People can not read your facial expressions on here, they can not hear the tone of your voice and know if you are being harsh or sincere. With so many people on here who already suffer with self doubt, depression and insecurity issues, these things said can really effect someone.

Elysium: I am aware of the theories of DID. I appreciate you trying to explain them to me and maybe if I didn't hate science so much I would even consider them. I do hate science though, ever since in the 7th grade when my teacher asked if I believed in God. I told him yes and in front of the entire class he called me an idiot. I know he's only one person but one person can ruin things completely and I'm sure most of us are fully aware of this. With my hatred for science and my admiration and love for some "alters" it makes it impossible for me to believe that "alters" are a form of yourself. I can understand why scientists would believe that, but I don't. I see "alters" as their own people and I don't believe that will change.

Calista thank you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated! I know everyone says that they understand just how unique each case of DID is, but when someone comes along who has a completely different experience with it, I guess it scares them because they than start questioning the people with it and it turns into a huge debate.

If people are afraid of anything, if it triggers people or if it upsets them in any way possible I wish they would just ignore the posts by the people who upset them. If they are confused and would like to understand, there are nice ways of asking their questions.

Again, this site is full of emotionally unstable people, myself included and the words that we use can really impact someone. We all have to remember that we are all struggling and should be there for eachother as much as possible. This is the one place, for many of us, where we can be ourselves and without judgement. It just doesn't seem like that is the case at the moment.

When your family doesn't listen to or accept you, when your t's tell you nothing is wrong or they don't try and help you and when you are left with no friends, we come to this site for the things that we should be getting irl but aren't. Than when we see people come on and question everything and begin to treat us the way everyone else does it makes us lose hope. What is there to hope for when not even the people who are going through almost the same thing as us, can not accept us?

Thank you for all of your replies and I hope you are all well! Take care!

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by kris9999

Let me start by saying I apologize if I took anyones words out of context; but the thing we all need to remember, myself included, is that this is the internet. People can not read your facial expressions on here, they can not hear the tone of your voice and know if you are being harsh or sincere. With so many people on here who already suffer with self doubt, depression and insecurity issues, these things said can really effect someone.

Elysium: I am aware of the theories of DID. I appreciate you trying to explain them to me and maybe if I didn't hate science so much I would even consider them. I do hate science though, ever since in the 7th grade when my teacher asked if I believed in God. I told him yes and in front of the entire class he called me an idiot. I know he's only one person but one person can ruin things completely and I'm sure most of us are fully aware of this. With my hatred for science and my admiration and love for some "alters" it makes it impossible for me to believe that "alters" are a form of yourself. I can understand why scientists would believe that, but I don't. I see "alters" as their own people and I don't believe that will change.

Calista thank you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated! I know everyone says that they understand just how unique each case of DID is, but when someone comes along who has a completely different experience with it, I guess it scares them because they than start questioning the people with it and it turns into a huge debate.

If people are afraid of anything, if it triggers people or if it upsets them in any way possible I wish they would just ignore the posts by the people who upset them. If they are confused and would like to understand, there are nice ways of asking their questions.

Again, this site is full of emotionally unstable people, myself included and the words that we use can really impact someone. We all have to remember that we are all struggling and should be there for eachother as much as possible. This is the one place, for many of us, where we can be ourselves and without judgement. It just doesn't seem like that is the case at the moment.

When your family doesn't listen to or accept you, when your t's tell you nothing is wrong or they don't try and help you and when you are left with no friends, we come to this site for the things that we should be getting irl but aren't. Than when we see people come on and question everything and begin to treat us the way everyone else does it makes us lose hope. What is there to hope for when not even the people who are going through almost the same thing as us, can not accept us?

Thank you for all of your replies and I hope you are all well! Take care!

Your former diagnosis of DID is not in question and we all respect each other here, this is a very supportive forum. Maybe you are reading into posts a little too much and thinking people don't believe you when infact that is not the case. Many members here are NOT 'emotionally unstable' but have been there, done that and are here to support others, because we love to help people. We are here to help you in any way we can and being at PC is often a great learning journey. Take what is helpful to you.

As for alters not being part of self. Let me give you some wisdom. In your therapy journey you will eventually find that your alters ARE infact part of self. Yes, they are ALL different, have their own ways of doing things but are all part of you. You may be in denial about this at present as it is very hard to believe but you will learn more.

We are here to help you, take care.

[kris9999]

Pegasus, thank you for your reply and you can believe what you want to believe and I will believe what I want to believe. I do NOT believe that alters are a part of who you are, and I don't believe I ever will because of not only my experience with DID but a friends as well. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense in that way so I do not believe it.

Maybe instead of them being split off from us, they were given to us because they were someone we needed. That's my view on it anyways

[multipixie9]

We can let our difference split us apart or we can accept that some things don't work for us and then move on.

Nothing in this forum is set up to create divisions or harsh arguments. We are supposed to be supportive.

With everyone being at different places in their lives and different stages of healing we need to remember that and be as kind as we can be.

Debates put us in conflict because they seek an "i'm right, you're wrong" outcome and that helps no one.

As I come on here I seek to learn from others when and where I can and I seek support that is missing in my real life. Some days are miraculously good and other days it all seems to go wrong and i go away sad. Then I come back on another day and just keep on keeping on.

If we let arguments divide us we all suffer for it.

Kris, I am one who does get excited about going to a T. I am eager to be helped and find my way into a peaceful life of wellness. I hope you find all you need and thanks for sharing your pics, they were great!

[kris9999]

I agree with the debating, I do not wish to argue with anyone any longer, I have posted my views and opinions and as far as how I feel about DID and alters, and you can agree or not, that's your decision.

I gladly answer questions if they are asked in a sincere way, but if they sound harsh it upsets me. I also like learning about other peoples experience with DID as well because I do like to learn things.

I'm sorry but I'm lost, what pics?

[Elysium]

(((((Kris9999)))))

Nothin' but

You have a right to your beliefs and understandings whether any one else believes in them or understands them at all.

If you ever feel like it...I got some pics up of my Alts on my profile. We'd love for you to stop by. (The pics represent what we look like)

Although the host is not a very religious person, our spiritual faith comes from a place more rooted in science and actual experience. Yours comes from somewhere different and that is okay. It's actually kind of confusing sometimes because some of us have different beliefs than each other inside, which makes for some confusion internally.

I'm sorry your teacher said that to you when you were younger. The only idiot in that classroom was him. You have every right to believe in God if that is where your faith lies and you should not part with your beliefs just because someone else thinks of things differently!! Same with your ideas about science and DID.

I did not mean to infer your beliefs and ideas are wrong. I personally believe my alters are there own entities, yet I feel they are still pieces of myself. It is absolutely okay if you believe something different. It doesn't make any one of us more right/wrong than the other.

I can imagine that it is difficult for you and others who share your views and ideas to share openly here when many others disagree with you. I don't think it is a personal thing...at least not with me it isn't. I do disagree with you, but I am okay with agreeing to disagree...

I hope we're cool!!

Take care....

[kris9999]

Thank you Elysium. I will agree to disagree. You have your beliefs and I have my own, I can't judge people by what they believe and hope I will not be judged as well.

You reply was very kind and I want to say thank you! You are not trying to force your opinions on me and tell me how wrong I am and I am very thankful for that.

I know probably 99% of the world disagrees with my views on life and everything in it, but that's just a fact I have to face. I just hope because of my views I am not judged by anyone on this site...

The other thing that I wish is that people, whether they understand or not, would be sincere. Reality is a false word, it's like perfection it does not exist. My reality is not the same as yours or anyone elses and I wish more people would see that. If they don't understand what's real to someone, the least they can do is just ignore that person, not try and make the person feel worse for what is real to them...

I'm drifting off point and probably do not make much sense right now, but anyways thank you for your kind reply and of course we're cool! I will be sure to check out your profile...

I hope you are well
Kris

[Elysium]

Thanks Kris...

I wanted to clarify too that when I say I disagree with you, I am disagreeing about the ideas of alters not being a part of each one of us.

I also want to say that I believe that it is quite possible for there to be sub-types of DID as well that do not necessarily fit into the box of DID, such as Trance-Possession Disorder, etc. Maybe sub-types aren't the best way to describe them but I don't know what else to call them. Maybe there are different types of alters that AREN'T part of each persons personality. There very well could be.

I think that dissociative disorders arise in people who have especially learned how to use their mind creatively to get away from trauma. That being said...I also believe that there is a lot we, as a society, don't know about dissociative disorders for lack of research. With time, I think more and more will be discovered about the different types of DD's and I am willing to bet that there are some the mental health community haven't been able to identify yet.

Just wanted you to know that even though I disagree, on some level some of the insiders get it. There are some of our older alters that don't get it at all, but they don't get the DID either. They think it's all BS. We even have one alter that doesn't even know the system exists.

Life is one strange trip!!!!

[crystalrose]

thanks for the peace in the DD forum. I get an idea when kris talks about the alters that they may be similar to angelic beings. I had 2 alters that were like my angels they hav integrated now. They kept of out of hospital when i was unwell. Kris your beliefs about Did are very similar to another member here named erikSplus maybe you two could support each other. My experience shows me that my alters are split off from me, that doesn't mean that any thing different is wrong. It just feels different. I think that he your pdoc think you have did then you do. Just understand how different your experience of did is.thats all. Peace.

Originally Posted by kris9999

Thank you Elysium. I will agree to disagree. You have your beliefs and I have my own, I can't judge people by what they believe and hope I will not be judged as well.

You reply was very kind and I want to say thank you! You are not trying to force your opinions on me and tell me how wrong I am and I am very thankful for that.

I know probably 99% of the world disagrees with my views on life and everything in it, but that's just a fact I have to face. I just hope because of my views I am not judged by anyone on this site...

The other thing that I wish is that people, whether they understand or not, would be sincere. Reality is a false word, it's like perfection it does not exist. My reality is not the same as yours or anyone elses and I wish more people would see that. If they don't understand what's real to someone, the least they can do is just ignore that person, not try and make the person feel worse for what is real to them...

I'm drifting off point and probably do not make much sense right now, but anyways thank you for your kind reply and of course we're cool! I will be sure to check out your profile...

I hope you are well
Kris

Kris
I can't agree more when you said reality is a false word. I, personally have no reality, so that statement really hit home. Everyone has what they consider thier "reality" or constant. (I get whatever "reality" I have from outside sources) Yours deserves as much respect as anyone elses.
As far as your beliefs & mine, yes, they are different. That doesn't make either of us wrong.
Thank you for explaining more and I wish you peace.