schizophrenia or dissosiative?

hi everyone-

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia about a year ago. Im 18 yrs old.The diagnosis seemed to fit..up until recently, because i have been real confused after learing more about dissosiative disorders and personality disorders and such.

well, first of all. I have been having symptoms of schiz(or whatever the heck it is) since i was about 3 yrs old (it started out with hearing internal voices and seeing internal visions and having weird feelings-- like i was shrinking and the room was growing huge .

Things didn't get real bad until i was about 16. That;s when the symptoms really took hold. I started hearing the internal voices again (mumbling and talking in weird conversations..sometimes even talking in other languages) I also have some mild external hallucinations--like seeing shadows dash around out the corners of my eyes, seeing bugs on the walls or flying in the air, seeing objects move--like they are pulsing/breathing/changing shape/flowing, intense illusions,. And hearing mumbling voices coming from other rooms.

Then i have all these "depersonalization feelings" I know these can also be part os schizophrenia, but im so confused...
here's a short description:
-can;t tell where my body stops and the world starts--it all seems to flow together
-cant tell where my arms or legs or hands, etc. are. Or my body parts look alien and deformed and such
-my body feels all distorted and mixed up-like the way a picaso painting looks
- i constantly feel other people/creatures possessing/inhibiting my body-i feel them move inside of me and possess me and such
-my face changes when i look in the mirror-like sometimes i dont recognize myself
-sometimes, when i look at other people or objects, i recognize them as me or as my family members

other symptoms include paranoid delusions, such as:
believeing the president and government is spying on me, tracking me, spy cars follow me around. Lights give me signals that spies are near, devices have been installed along the road to track me and scan my brain and take pictures of me
The whole world is conspiring against me. I am an expariment and they are trying to hurt me and turn me into their robot.

i use to believe murderers were stalking me and my family, putting bombs outside my house, poisoning my food, hiding in my house, etc.

I also have the thought disruptions and problems that come with schiz, like problems analyzing what people are saying, trouble concentrating, mind goes blank constantly, uncontrollabe, unwanted thoughts, obsessions, etc.

and the negative symptoms, like flat emotions, low energy, poor hygiene, social withdrawl,no motivation/joy from life.

can these negative symptoms and thought problems be part of a dissosiative disorder?

other problems i've had include: severe depression (suicidal) self injury(been doing this since i was about 6 or 7) panic attacks (caused by my paranoia and fears) eating disorder (bulimia and anorexic tendancies)
..i was also physically, emotionally and verbally abused and neglected by my dad as a child...i always feel like maybe he did something to me that i cannot remember (some kind of sexual abuse)

My other problems is, is that i dont really want to get "better" the symptoms i have have been a part of me all my life. Im afraid of being normal and i use my "insanity" as a way of coping with and escaping from this world and i's reality. While some of this causes me a lot of problems, it also comforts me a great deal and is something i feel i cant give up.

I've never had another personality or anything like that. I;ve nver "left my body" and then not remembered what happened. I dont think i've had flashbacks, though some of my visions sometimes feel familiar like de ja vu , but they are too unreal and impossible to have been a flashback of anything that happened in this world.

im sorry this thread has gotten so long..thank you if you read this far. Im just wondering if anyone thinks i could also have some type of dissossiative disorder, or if my diagnosis of schizophrenia seems more accurate.

I dont know if anyone here knows much about personality disorders, but i wonder if i might have some type of it because i am so ressistant to the idea of getting better and because i for the most par, like my' illness'

-Becka

At the age of 18 maybe you defy definition as so many young people do. Theres so much overlap of syptoms and disorders and diseases that share symptoms that it would take a personal relationship with a clinician over some time to pigeon-hole what you "have" mostly and what are secondary symptoms and keep in mind there are as many ways to be mentally ill and mentally sound as there are human beings walking the earth. You dont need to medicate away your identity and personality but the atypical antipsychotics help many people with the painfull intrusive symptoms of disorders from autistic spectrum disorders to the schizophrenias.

This is a hard one. I myself was diagnosed w/ schizo-affective even though I had told the T I've been diagnosed w/ diss. since '91. Some T's don't believe in DID. Most people I've talked to w/ DID have been diagnosed at one point w/ schizo. Having a good T who can help you is the best bet. I'm DID but my T doesn't care for labels. She has us focus on where I'm at now, not on my diagnosis.
Love,
RhysMadison

I'm curious to know more about your relationship with your dad: How old you were when you saw him last; what happened during the time that he left; What mental/physical state he had at that particular time and in general.

I'm not a doctor nor am I experienced with mental disorders (but it does run in my family) but when reading your post, this is what came to MY mind:

Phobias/Anxieties: when your mind fears something due from a past negative experience they had. When understanding the root to their phobia, it can often melt away on it's own..

This is why I'm curious to know more about your dad. Do you think that maybe all of these "unknowns" stems from the unanswered question you have ABOUT your dad, whereas within time, your mind started obsessing over it and allowing it to control other areas of your life? You mentioned you had symptoms at age 3.

When I read some of your symptoms, I see your experience with your dad tied to almost all:

can;t tell where my body stops and the world starts--it all seems to flow together >> numbness, shock, PTSD, lack of ownership with your own self

-cant tell where my arms or legs or hands, etc. are. Or my body parts look alien and deformed and such >> being violated at such a young child; feeling as if your body does not belong to you - it belongs to your violators: the aliens (your dad?)

-my body feels all distorted and mixed up-like the way a picaso painting looks >> same here. Maybe you're detaching yourself from your body as your way of coping whatever it was that happened to you as a child, and then blocking that incident(s)

- i constantly feel other people/creatures possessing/inhibiting my body-i feel them move inside of me and possess me and such >> that's typical with victims of sexual/physical abuse; an imagination expanding from a situation(s) that has happened; not being able to comprehend what was done

-my face changes when i look in the mirror-like sometimes i dont recognize myself >> shame? Subconsciencely not wanting to see yourself

-sometimes, when i look at other people or objects, i recognize them as me or as my family members >> again, desensitized; replacing people with objects - without feelings/disconnection

The whole world is conspiring against me. I am an expariment and they are trying to hurt me and turn me into their robot. >> Trust issues; betrayal of trust from the higher beings: parents, teachers, governments; people who are in power of you (again, resulting from your dad?)

i use to believe murderers were stalking me and my family, putting bombs outside my house, poisoning my food, hiding in my house, etc. >> Lack of trust and safety within your own environment (where the abuse took place to begin with)

I also have the thought disruptions and problems that come with schiz, like problems analyzing what people are saying, trouble concentrating, mind goes blank constantly, uncontrollabe, unwanted thoughts, obsessions, etc. >> PTSD, Anxieties? Your mind trying to relate and make sense over something that has happened to you as a child?

and the negative symptoms, like flat emotions, low energy, poor hygiene, social withdrawl,no motivation/joy from life. >> Depression; Detachment stemming from trust issues and violation

My other problems is, is that i dont really want to get "better" the symptoms i have have been a part of me all my life. Im afraid of being normal and i use my "insanity" as a way of coping with and escaping from this world and i's reality. >> You've created yourself a cocoon as a way of coping with the trauma you dealt with as a child?

I may be completely off key here but it's a perspective I thought I'd share anyway. I'm curious to know what you think of this though...

Thanks you for the replies everyone. i think i'm going to ask to be tested/screened for a dissociative disorder once i find another psychiatrist

..to answer INaBox's questions--

my parents split up when i was about 2 or 3 months old, so i have no memory of them ever being together. They had joint custody of both me and my sister. We would go over to his place on weekends. The first episode of physical abuse i can remember was when i was 3 years old. (he choked me) Over the next few years, he was verbally abusive(made fun of me, called me names and such) and neglected us at times. Sometimes he would leave me and my sister in his appartment for hours when he went out. One time when he did this, my sister (who is about a year older than me and around the age of 3 or 4 and i was 2 or 3 when this happened) called my mom on the phone and told her we were left alone. From then on, whenever my dad went out and left us, he unhooked the phones and hid them.
When i was 8, there was another episode of physical abuse (he grabbed me by my hair and threw me) after this, my mom took him to court and we stopped visiting him for a while. Everything has been a real mess ever since the court got involved. My dad denied the abuse and neglect for the first 2 years and no one believed me, my sister or my mom when we told the truth. a couple years later, he finally admitted to it. We started visiting my dad again on and off. Sometimes things are better between us and then they get bad again and i stop talking to him for a while. I am still in contact with him today and have a fairlly good relationship

moving on...i was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and a language processing disorder when i was about 8 or 9. I still dont really understand why i was ever diagnosed with PTSD. I've never had flashbacks of the events that happened to me and i never feel like i am reliving them. I have memories of the things my dad did, but they are just memories.

so anyway, i started to hear the voices when i was about 3 or 4 (at least, thats the earliest i can remember hearing them) they weren't voices of my dad or anyone familiar and they happened out of no where. The voices were unfamiliar and fast and raspy and monsterous, but they didn't seem to have anything to do with what my dad did to me. Most of the time, it was hard to even make sense out of what they were saying.

over my childhood, i had problems in school. I was always different and "weird" to the other kids, so i had toruble making friends. I always had bad grades and had trouble doing the schoolwork. It always seemed very difficult for me and i had trouble with analyzing it and concentrating and all that.

Well, things didnt get real bad until i was 16. I got real depressed around this time--became suicidal and was self injuring a lot more. I dont know why i became so depressed..it must have just been a chemical thing.
Soon, my hallucinations and such started coming back and getting worse too. I started seeing things (externally and internally) and hearing voices again (mostly internal)
This is also around the time that all the depersonalization feelings and other weird body feelings started up. I had never had anything like this before this time. First it started with me having feelings of my hands and arms not being a part of me and looking deformed and such and floating away from me. After i got on antidepressants, things got a lot better and almost all of my psychotic symptoms disappeared for a while too. a few months later, the delusions and hallucinations started coming back mildly. It took about a year and a half for them to get where they are now are now. I am not depressed anymore and have not been for over a year and a half. But the psychosis and thought problems and negative symptoms continue to get worse. My bodily illusions and such came back only a bit differently. No i mostly have feelings like i am detached from myself and distorted and the feelings of being possessed/inhibited by other people and such.

I dont have any anxiety about what my dad did to me years ago. I rarely even think about it anymore. I am not afraid of my dad, though i still dont completly trust him , not because of the abuse, but because he is a dishonest, manipulative, immature, rude person and always goes back on his word. I feel like i recovered many years ago from the abuse he inflicted. I dont have any worries about it or anything.

also, dont know if this should be concidered, but schizophrenia runs in my family. My grandmother had it, my aunt had it, my uncle had it, and my othe raunt was a hypochondriac. My mom has clinical depression, and my dad has been diagnosed with clinical depression, but possibly has bipolar disorder.
And also, i have been on antipsychotics a few times and these made all my symptoms go away (the voices, visions, delusions,paranoia, bodily feelings and such) oh, but they did not help with my negative symptoms.

At the presant time, i am on antidepressants and i have hardly any anxiety or depressed mood or anything. Actually, my emotions are mostly very flat. I have not self injured for a long time or felt suicidal, but i still have these schizophrenia symptoms and they seem to be slowly getting a little worse.

-Becka

Ok. Well it was just a theory. I also know that certain medications can have adverse side-effects such as psychotic-like tendencies. Many doctors often misdiagnose this and prescribe anti-psychotic drugs instead of replacing the initial drug in the first place.

I'm not sure about all drugs but I know that Ritilan has psychotic-like side-effects. Maybe you can look at the medications that you're taking and see if maybe they are the cause of some of your problems.

If you were to ask me my opinion, it sounds to me like you have Schizophrenia and not Dissociative disorder.

I have no answer for you. I wish I could help. I am glad you are going for further testing. Not a bad step no matter what the problems turn out to be.

I am wishing you the best.

Take care and good luck.

place

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Ok. Well it was just a theory. I also know that certain medications can have adverse side-effects such as psychotic-like tendencies. Many doctors often misdiagnose this and prescribe anti-psychotic drugs instead of replacing the initial drug in the first place.

I'm not sure about all drugs but I know that Ritilan has psychotic-like side-effects. Maybe you can look at the medications that you're taking and see if maybe they are the cause of some of your problems.

If you were to ask me my opinion, it sounds to me like you have Schizophrenia and not Dissociative disorder.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for your help. I still dont know. maybe your theory is right. I think i am probably schizophrenic, but im still not sure, so im going to ask to be tested for dissociative disorders by my psych.

I've heard the same things about certain meds-that they can cause psychotic symptoms. I take Effexor and trazadone right now. I doubt that they are the cause or that they make it worse. Because my symptoms started long before i ever started meds. I actually started taking antidepressants when i was about 9 (trazadone and paxil) they didn't cause any extra psychotic symptoms. Once i got on the effexor, my mood improved and also, so did the psychotic symptoms-- for a while, that is--i think because the stress was gone and stress is one thing that increases my schiz symptoms. Well, it took about 3 or 4 months of being on the effexor before my schiz symptoms started to come back. And i hadn't changed the dose or anything. but who knows. From what i've heard, simple things can cause an increase in symptoms for someone who is already schiz...like drinking coffee, not getting enough sleep, etc.

-Becka

Thank you, place. Your very nice.
..i like your sig. I still havn't figured out how to get one of my own.

-Becka