[kasva]

all my life i was taught to be quiet.saying things...anything...was felt to me..dangerous.
crying or making noise was dangerous. now...for whatever reason.. my floodgates have opened. today was the worst...t...changed the rules for all her clients...people used to be able to call her for skills calls...not anymore except during office hours then she might be able to get back to us.i know it is good for her..she needs a life but the way she presented it, i took it as all my fault cried and cried.
paranoid lately or maybe very oversensitive...anyways in did chat i took someone elses questioning and "tone" and got paranoid..or over sensitive and asked what chip was on their shoulder...that was dumb and stupid.....wish i had not said that.
now i feel so wrong and like people here hate me.......ive felt the world hates me anyways....i just feel like i cant be in this world.....meaning i just need to stay in my apt. and have no contact with people so i wont make any mistakes....now i feel that way even coming on line...even on line i do things wrong.
i'm at such a loss. like im new to the world and i dont know the rules anywhere and ive got to be quiet ...not exist..like it was growing up...because its dangerous...just existing...even in 2009.
I Am Very Sorry To Anyone Who I made Tonight Hard for..id rather be helpful..not hurtful. kasva

[Hunny]

Kasva,

We have all said things we feel badly about. So much is happening for you right now. Please be gentle to yourself.

.

[Fuzzybear]

kasva,
I wasn't there. I agree with Hunny though, and as for being "taught" those things I can only say I relate
Take care of you

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Kasva))))

We all make mistakes hun. You are not the cause and no one hates you here. Lastnight was hard for many there. I know it was for us. We had to leave to pull ourself back together. Sometimes we just need to do self care. And what you felt lastnight we also felt. Do not be too hard on yourself.

If it would make you feel better write that person a PM and tell them you are sorry. All we can say is it was not just you. And what you were feeling did not make you a dumb or stupid. We do validate what you are feeling but you do not need to feel that way.

Sometimes we get scared and we go on the defence. That is when we need to step back and take time to listen to our heart. Then sometimes for us, we get really quiet and just try to breathe. Please do not feel you do not belong here. You do. And PC is a good place to come and share your feelings just as you did.

Please know we are here for you and that we care. You are okay and no one hates you. Just breathe and take care of you. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

[WePow]

Kasva, safe hugs to you! It sounds like you have been through a very difficult time. we understand that - really we do. we can not undo the past things we say or do. But we can learn internally from them and grow. It takes a lot of work for those of us who where so hurt as children to learn our own filters. I also tend to be hypersensitive to conversations. That is a part of PTSD. When a person is always on alert as a child, they learn the skill of listening with all senses so we don't get hurt. That act of always being on guard makes us react to things that we later might realize were not a danger.

PC is a great place to practice those honing those listening skills. I have many times typed up a reply and then counted to 10 before sending it. And many times I just hit backspace rather than enter. Which is a lot safer than in speaking when we really can't hit backspace.

Just learn from what happened and move forward with grace. Big safe hugs to you!

[Elysium]

Kasva,

I wasn't in chat, but I'd like to point out that what you are feeling about needing to stay in your apartment and that you can't be in this world or make mistakes....all of this is most likely old stuff.

Old programming from when you were younger and you were taught that it wasn't okay to make mistakes, or be heard, or cared for.

It sounds like whatever this person said in chat triggered those old feelings for you and you responded out of irritation because those old feelings came back.

You are human....we all are. You are entitled to make mistakes. You are entitle to be heard. You are entitled to feel and express your emotions. It is understandable that there will be a tiff from time to time between folks here. It's the same for any community/relationships. It's how we deal with those tiffs that matters, and you have taken a step to recognize how you reacted and you cleared the air with an apology. That's a healthy way to respond.

You are okay to be here....and in the world!! It just doesn't feel like it cause that's not what we were taught. I say we, because I was raised in an environment that ran under similar unspoken and spoken "rules".

Hope this helps. You are welcome here!!